My Officemate/Roommate

My new office is in the environmental science department (which is the department that actually funds my research, even though my affiliation is with statistics). One of my officemates is a new Ph.D. student in environmental science who has the same advisor as me (i.e., he’s part of my “research group,” in a broad sense). He’s originally from (a Scandinavian country), and he just arrived less than three weeks ago, so he hasn’t yet found a permanent place to live for the year. He was sleeping on the floor of a friend on campus, so I offered my place as an alternative (with my roommate’s permission, of course). I don’t have an extra bed, but I have lots of space and a couch (which is technically in the living room aka my roommate’s room). He took me up on my offer late last week, and he’s been staying with me for the last four nights (tonight will make five). He sleeps in my room, using the couch cushions as a bed on the floor.

Quick side story. My old roommate from last year graduated and moved out at the end of the summer, so a new student fresh from undergrad took his place (he’s so young!). He’s a lot cleaner than my old roommate, so I never have to worry about a powerful stench coming from my kitchen anymore. He actually does his dishes right after using them, which is the same way I was taught to do dishes. We get along pretty well too. We’ve gone grocery shopping together twice in the last three weeks, and I sometimes chat with him after I get home late from my office. It’s been good living with my new roommate.

Anyway, back to my officemate, who I guess is currently my officemate/roommate. It’s been a lot of fun having my officemate stay with me. I get a lot of opportunities to get to know him. He a tall, blond, athletic straight guy. He’s exactly my type of guy, except for the straight part. More importantly, he’s a really nice guy. His two best friends are gay, and he even let one of them stay with him rent-free for a year. He also plays the saxophone and used to be on his college rowing team. I could probably gush about him more, but I trying really hard not to crush on him. It doesn’t help that he sleeps in his underwear…

Since my officemate is so new,  the department hasn’t made him an office key yet, so he relies on me (or our other officemates) to open the door for him. I like that he relies on me for both opening the office door and for a place to stay. It somehow makes me feel valued or important on some small level. The shallow/self-deprecating side of me thinks I like to be needed by good looking people because it somehow makes me feel better about myself.

Regardless, I like having a friend around. I’ve been in my office so much lately that I don’t see my other friends very much. I spend most of my time with my advisor (I’m turning into his right-hand man), so it’s great that there’s someone else around I can talk to.

Shopping Therapy

I’ve been a bit down lately, as you may have been able to tell from my previous post. I’m trying to get over my work crush, but I was still thinking about my work crush all day (I did resist going to work today though).

My mom even noticed that I wasn’t myself. I was driving my parents to the mall this afternoon, and my mom asked if everything was okay because I didn’t seem very happy (I was being quiet and emotionless). I didn’t want to get into what was really weighing on my mind, so I just said I was tired. I don’t think my mom believed me, so I tried to be a little more responsive once we got to the mall.

At first I only intended to accompany my parents on a typical stroll around the mall. But when I saw a “Sale” sign at the Gap, I decided to see if there was anything interesting to buy. I’ve been meaning to buy another pair of jeans anyway.

It’s been a long time since I went shopping for new clothes (a few months at least, which is long for me). In the process of trying on a shirt and a pair of jeans from the sale racks, I forgot about being pensive. I started shopping for more shirts, and my mood lightened. After I left the Gap, I felt a lot better. I love shopping, and it’s even more fun when I spend money doing it. I ended up with three shirts and a pair of jeans.

By the way, the jeans I bought are awesome. They were super cheap and waist 29! My skinny jeans used to be waist 30, and the jeans I bought today are not even that tight! I love finding good jeans.

My shopping therapy might be a temporary fix for my crush, but at least it helps.

Dear Work Crush

Dear Work Crush,

I miss you. I miss talking to you after work. We used to have dinner together and you’d tell me about your day. We used to talk for hours sometimes. But now you always leave earlier. You leave in a rush, and you never stay for dinner anymore. I’ve seen you a total of ten minutes all week. Even when I tried to talk to you last night, you didn’t tell me anything. I hate not knowing what’s going on.

Lately I don’t even feel like I’m your friend anymore. I’m just a coworker to you. Maybe this is how “work friends” are supposed to act. You don’t have to tell me about your life outside of work. You don’t have to be my friend if you don’t want to. I just thought that we had a pretty good friendship going. And not just because I have a crush on you.

I still stay late at work. I used to stay after hours solely so I had a chance to talk to you when you weren’t stressing out about the day. You’re different during the day. Now I stay even after you leave, wondering what I’m still doing there. Yes, I like my job now, but part of the  reason of staying behind was always to spend some time with you. The few times I’ve been on Saturdays were mostly to see you.

I’m obviously expecting too much from you. You’re constantly in the back of my mind. Any time I see (your car model) on the road, I think of you. When I pull into our parking lot in the mornings and see your car, I think of you. Whenever I walk around the building, I hope that I’ll see you. But I know you don’t think the same way. Of course not. I know. I get it.

I’m obsessed and irrational, but I needed to get this out. My heart has been getting that familiar sinking feeling all the time lately. Maybe this will help. I clearly need to move on. This crush has gone on far too long.

If I can’t be honest here, where can I be?

Emotionally Tied

I’ve been going crazy the last couple days. Once I obsess about something (like, for example, worrying about my work crush), it takes hold of me and doesn’t let go until there’s a resolution. I was pensive and preoccupied all of yesterday, even while I was watching Watchmen with a few friends (which reminds me of when I was stressing out about my sales job while watching The Dark Knight). As a side comment: The more I think about Watchmen, the more I appreciate the story, but I don’t think I really understood the message while I was watching the movie.

Anyway. I didn’t find out about why my work crush had to miss dinner until halfway through today. My work crush’s cat, which technically still belongs to his ex-girlfriend, has been having health problems, so the ex-girlfriend dropped by to help take care of the cat. By the way, the cat is very cute and apparently only friendly to me. My work crush’s relationship with his ex-girlfriend is “complicated,” which I guess is the reason why her presence prevented him from going to a prearranged dinner with his friends. He wouldn’t give me more details about what makes the situation complicated, but just knowing what happened lets me relax quite a bit. My entire mood changed after I talked to him.

It’s amazing how emotionally tied I am to someone who can’t possibly care for me as much as I do for him (I’ve actually gotten this emotionally tied to every strong crush I’ve had). For example, I’m sure that he didn’t give me a second thought for the rest of the weekend after he hung up the phone with me on Saturday, whereas I was dwelling on him all weekend and drove the extra 35 mile roundtrip for the chance to see him and figure out why he bailed on us. And of course it was because of a girl, which isn’t good for my psyche either.

It’s frustrating. He’s a great friend to me. Whenever I have something to vent about, I go to him and he listens. We’ve had two-hour long conversations in the office parking lot at night before going home. And yet, I’ll never be the same kind of friend to him. Yeah, I’ve talked to him about some of his worries too (I did that tonight, actually), but it’s not the same. I never feel like I’ll ever be the good friend to him that I want to be.

I have it bad. I’m starting to sound irrational to myself. I thought I was better for a while, but I’m really crushing hard (that may already have been evidenced in my previous post). This isn’t good. I need to keep my distance again.

Fondue Night

My (new) boss and I get along very well. Our personalities and work ethics are very similar (we’re both too reliable for our own good and stay at the office way too late). A lot of times during the day, we’ll talk to each other over the cubicle wall between us. It’s pretty funny, though I wonder what the accounts payable (AP) person thinks (since she never joins in on our conversations).

We also have similar taste in food. My boss used to be the person in charge of getting food for all the people who stay late (until I took that task over to free her up a little), so she has a large collection of menus of nearby (and not-so-nearby) restaurants on her desk. Last week, she showed me a menu for The Melting Pot, a restaurant that specializes in all sorts of fondue (cheese, meat, and chocolate). Because my boss, my work crush, and I are the three people who stay the latest in the office on a regular basis, we decided to have a fondue night with just the three of us.

My boss and my work crush usually go to the office on weekends, but I’ve only gone in once before today. Earlier in the week, I felt that I had some tedious work that I needed to do (clean up some of the numbers that past accounting people didn’t fix) that I couldn’t do during the week, so I volunteered to go to work today and we could go to The Melting Pot tonight. My boss and my work crush both agreed to the plan, and my boss even made a reservation.

Last night, my boss texted me asking if she could invite some of her friends who were also interested in fondue. I didn’t mind, since my work crush was still going (not because he’s my crush but because I’d have a friend to talk to too). Even though I wanted it to just be the three of us, my boss liked the idea of more people (the more the merrier), so who am I to argue?

In the afternoon, my work crush said he’d leave for a bit but he would be back in time to go with my boss and me to dinner. But about five minutes before we were to leave, my work crush called my boss and said that he couldn’t join us tonight. Needless to say, I was disappointed. I called my work crush and asked him what was up, but all he said was that he had something he needed to do. I told him that I thought it’d be weird if it was just me and my boss and her friends, but he just said that I’d still have fun. I asked if I could ask for more details; he hesitated and said “maybe another time.”

My boss and I took separate cars halfway and met up at a parking lot closer to our houses to take one car to the restaurant. We live near each other, and we’re both about 25 minutes away from the office, whereas my work crush lives two minutes away from work. By taking one car from there, we wouldn’t be leaving a car at the office and have to backtrack so much at the end of the night.

There ended up being five of us at the restaurant: my boss, my boss’s sister (who also works with us), two of my boss’s friends, and me. It wasn’t as awkward as I thought it might be, but I still would have liked to have my work crush there. The dinner was amazing. We all had the four-course dinner, which included everything: cheese fondue, salad, meat fondue, and chocolate fondue. The quality was fantastic, and the atmosphere was very classy. I love eating at fancy places (although it was quite expensive).

As great as dinner was, I couldn’t stop thinking about my work crush. I was worried. I try not to overthink or overreact to the situation, but I kept playing the phone call I had with him in my head. All throughout dinner, I was thinking about visiting my work crush afterwards, even though I knew that it’s a terrible idea. By the time we finished dinner and my boss dropped me off at my car, it was about 10:40pm.

If I did the right thing and just went home, I wouldn’t be typing this right now (because it would be boring). I got to my work crush’s apartment around 11pm. I walked around for a couple minutes thinking about how crazy I am, and then I walked up and knocked on his door.

No answer. I knocked again, still no answer. His car was there, so I knew he was home, but he was probably asleep already. I contemplated very hard about ringing the doorbell or calling his phone, but I decided against it. I walked away, came back, and knocked again (to no answer). After a couple more minutes of thinking (and being crazy) I finally gave up and drove home. I got home close to 11:40pm. I probably could have gotten home before 11pm if I went straight home.

I’m insane!

Crossing Boundaries

My transition to accounting has begun. I’m still officially in sales, but I’ve been shown a few things and been given a couple accounting responsibilities already. My sales replacement is starting next Wednesday. After I properly train him (not sure how long that will take), I will officially move out of sales and into the accounting department full time.

Meanwhile, I’ve been working really late all week (the earliest I went home was still after 8pm); I haven’t even had dinner with my parents once. My mom apparently started getting flu-like symptons on Thursday, and I didn’t even know about it until this morning!

I’m never “required” to stay past 5:30pm every day, but I’ve probably only left work that early maybe twice since I started my job. Usually my end-of-the-day meetings with my boss/friend don’t even start until after 6pm.

Earlier in the week, my work crush warned me about not setting boundaries with work. He doesn’t want work to become my life (like it has for him). I’m the only non-manager to stay so late. Sometimes, I feel that if I want to become a manager, I need to put in the extra time and effort. But honestly, I shouldn’t have to stay late to do that.

Oh, and I talked to my boss/friend a few days ago in a strictly non-work related conversation (it’s been months since we did that), and I told him that I liked my work crush (it’s a long story as to why I felt the urge to talk to him about it on that particular day). He said he knew a long time ago, probably only a few weeks after I started working there. Apparently I’ve very readable.

There are days when I stay later just because I want to chat with my work crush, but I’ve decided (for now) to try and limit the amount of time I spend doing that. My boss/friend always stresses the need to separate emotions from work, and he’s right (as he often is). Crushing on a straight guy is bad news in general, but crushing on a straight coworker is even more complicated.

A Close Friend At Work

Usually when I stay late in the office, my company will buy dinner for me and whoever else stays late. Tonight, my work crush (he’s straight) and I both decided to leave earlier (he usually stays later than I do), so we both declined the offer to stay for dinner. But then we got caught up talking to another coworker. Actually, I mostly just listened in; the conversation didn’t involve me much, but I like staying if my work crush is there.

Anyway, it was getting late (after 8pm), so my parents called me and assumed I wasn’t going to be home for dinner (I’m supposed to call earlier if I’m not going to be home but I didn’t want to miss the conversation). When it was finally time to leave, I asked my work crush if he wanted to get something to eat (if he doesn’t eat at the office, he’ll usually skip dinner and just go home). Perhaps because I passingly mentioned that I’d have to get food by myself, I convinced him to have dinner with me.

A quick sidenote. My work crush is a pretty important manager and has to stay at the office during lunchtime, so I will go out and bring him back lunch almost every day. He’ll periodically give me cash for it, but I’m not very strict with the accounting (not an indication of my accounting skills) mostly because he’s my friend.

Anyway. We went to a nearby Japanese restaurant. For some reason, my work crush wanted me to decide what he should order. Because I get him lunch every day, I already choose what he eats for lunch, so it’s funny that I had to choose what he ate for dinner too.

I love talking to my work crush, but I rarely have large chunks of time during the day to talk. I often talk to him at the end of the day, but we still mostly talk about work. Tonight, we talked about work, but also about high school, life, the future, my lack of any long term relationships (he knows I’m gay), etc. It was a great conversation (and a good dinner too). We ended up sitting and talking until the restaurant closed. Oh, and he paid for my dinner because I always do him the favor of buying him lunch.

When I drove my work crush back to the office where his car was, he said “thanks for forcing me to go to dinner.” Needless to say, I had a great night. Not necessarily because he’s my work crush (the crush part is waning, I think), but because I like making close friends with whom I can discuss anything. And he’s definitely the kind of person I could see being a close friend for a long time.

Self Worth By Association

I’ve been feeling crappy again the last couple days. Part of the reason is that I had a lot of interaction at work with my work crush yesterday. I got paired up with him (actually, I requested to work with him) to zone a particular department. We got to take our breaks and lunch together.

At first, working with my crush was fun. It’s nice to talk to him and see him flash his smile. After a while, though, I remember that his mind is always on girls (he’s a total player). All I can ever hope to have from him is his friendship, and it’s hard to say whether that will last after I stop working at Target. But even if we are able to maintain contact after we stop working together, what kind of friendship will we have?

Ever since I was a kid, my self worth has been linked with the friendships I have. I feel better about myself if hot or popular people (the cool kids) are friends with me. Since I can’t be cool, hot, or popular in my own right, living vicariously through those who are is the next best thing.

If I’m associated with someone “important” (in other words, someone I have a crush on) then I feel important. If I’m not, then I feel worthless. I feel invisible, and the loneliness that has lingered with me for most of my life sets in again.

Yesterday, when it was just my work crush and me talking, I felt good. I was carefree and happy. But the instances when he was talking to one of his straight friends (with the straight guy banter only straight guys understand) or when he was on the phone with one of the many girls who is infatuated with him, I felt like a wallflower. I faded into the background, perhaps where I belong.

Who am I kidding? I’m friends (nominally) with my work crush, but I’ll never be good friends with him. He already has better work friends than me. At the moment, that realization makes me feel like crap. I’m sure these feelings will pass in time (they always do). I know my feelings are completely ridiculous and illogical; I’m not even sure this post makes any sense. One’s worth shouldn’t be based on the perceptions of others. Yet somehow I still feel this way.

The Suit, The Hair, And The Donut

I ran some errands today in preparation for my interview tomorrrow. I recently bought a suit so I would have something to wear when interviewing for jobs, but I didn’t get a chance to get the pants hemmed until today (I didn’t think I would be needing the suit so quickly). I got the suit at a considerable discount because I went with a friend who bought four suits during a special sale. Actually, the deal included a dress shirt, tie, belt, and socks! Even at a discount, I hesitated briefly before buying it; after all, an inexpensive suit is still expensive to someone who makes what I make.

Anyway, I dropped off my pants at a nearby dry cleaners. While I waited for my pants to be hemmed, I went to the bank to deposit my paycheck (yay), and then went to Target to see if the executive team leader would said she would help me prepare for my interview was there. She wasn’t. Instead, I ended up spending three hours at Target, mostly chatting with my work crush while he worked. Most days when I visit and he’s working, I follow him around and talk to him. He doesn’t mind; he likes talking about himself (in a cute and totally narcissistic way).

After I picked up my pants from the dry cleaners, I got a (long overdue) haircut at my usual barber shop. Next to the barber shop is a 24 hour donut shop. I can’t even tell you how much I love donuts. In high school, my classmates would call me Donut King because I would bring donuts to class. I would sell enough donuts to break even and then eat the profits. Even one of my team leaders at Target called me Donut King once because I split a bag of Hostess donuts with him (and inhaled 12 of them in ten minutes).

I couldn’t resist buying a donut (chocolate twist, yum) from the donut shop. It reminded me of going to Tim Hortons with my friends in graduate school. Donuts are easily one of my favorite foods. It’s unfortunate that they’re so unhealthy.

Tonight, I finally learned how to tie a tie. I followed the steps from Tie-a-Tie.net to make a half Windsor knot (the full one is too complicated for me), and I tied a near perfect tie after only three tries! I highly recommend the website!

Now that I have the suit, the hair, and the donut, I should be presentable for tomorrow’s interview. Wish me luck!

I Never Learn

I’ve been feeling pretty crappy all day today. I think I might be starting to get sick, but that’s not why I feel bad. I tried to avoid admitting this situation to myself (which is why I haven’t said anything about this on this blog), but my feelings today made it pretty unequivocal.

For a few weeks now, I’ve vaguely liked this boy at work. He’s young (but legal), straight, extremely cute/hot, and a total ladies’ man. He was the first person at work to ask me if I was gay and subsequently was the first person at work to whom I came out. He’s pretty nice to me, in a strictly platonic (friendship between boys) sort of way.

Over the last couple months, we’ve become pretty good work friends. I’m fairly certain that our social circles would never meet outside of Target, but I like to think we’re friends. Unfortunately, the more time I spend with him, the more my feelings for him are developing into a crush.

At the same time (though it started earlier), I also developed a small attraction to one of my high school friends (he’s also straight, of course). Technically, he’s a friend of a high school friend, but we all went to the same high school. We didn’t hang out together very much until I moved home last August. I like to think we’ve become friends in our own right, but I find it difficult to have conversations with him. He’s really into watching sports of all kinds, but I know very little about them.

I also find it hard to talk to my high school friend because he’s incredibly cute. He’s more cute than hot, which is why I’m not calling him cute/hot, but he has really nice muscles (and abs), so he’s pretty hot too. I get intimidated by his attractiveness. Whenever I talk to him, I feel like my attraction to him shows (he knows I’m gay too, by the way), so I get really shy and awkward around him. If we’re in a group, I tend to avoid eye contact with him but take in glances when I can.

My high school friend was in Las Vegas with me this last weekend. Because I know in my head that my attraction to him will never be reciprocated, I got mildly depressed during parts of the trip. There were a couple times when I had to walk off by myself to clear my thoughts. Sometimes I felt better, but other times I didn’t.

So that was the setup for what’s been going on in my head all day. Neither crush will ever be reciprocated, and that recurring (almost incessant) thought made me want a comforting hug. Unfortunately, I really wanted a comforting hug from one of my crushes, which clearly will never happen. Knowing that just made everything all the more painful.

My work crush noticed that I looked a little depressed today at work, but I never got a chance to sit down and tell him why. I’m not sure if I should tell him why, though I don’t think he would start avoiding me or something. We’ll see how I feel tomorrow.

It’s amazing how much I don’t learn. Straight crush after straight crush, I never learn not to fall for straight boys.