I’ve been feeling crappy again the last couple days. Part of the reason is that I had a lot of interaction at work with my work crush yesterday. I got paired up with him (actually, I requested to work with him) to zone a particular department. We got to take our breaks and lunch together.
At first, working with my crush was fun. It’s nice to talk to him and see him flash his smile. After a while, though, I remember that his mind is always on girls (he’s a total player). All I can ever hope to have from him is his friendship, and it’s hard to say whether that will last after I stop working at Target. But even if we are able to maintain contact after we stop working together, what kind of friendship will we have?
Ever since I was a kid, my self worth has been linked with the friendships I have. I feel better about myself if hot or popular people (the cool kids) are friends with me. Since I can’t be cool, hot, or popular in my own right, living vicariously through those who are is the next best thing.
If I’m associated with someone “important” (in other words, someone I have a crush on) then I feel important. If I’m not, then I feel worthless. I feel invisible, and the loneliness that has lingered with me for most of my life sets in again.
Yesterday, when it was just my work crush and me talking, I felt good. I was carefree and happy. But the instances when he was talking to one of his straight friends (with the straight guy banter only straight guys understand) or when he was on the phone with one of the many girls who is infatuated with him, I felt like a wallflower. I faded into the background, perhaps where I belong.
Who am I kidding? I’m friends (nominally) with my work crush, but I’ll never be good friends with him. He already has better work friends than me. At the moment, that realization makes me feel like crap. I’m sure these feelings will pass in time (they always do). I know my feelings are completely ridiculous and illogical; I’m not even sure this post makes any sense. One’s worth shouldn’t be based on the perceptions of others. Yet somehow I still feel this way.