Self Worth By Association

I’ve been feeling crappy again the last couple days. Part of the reason is that I had a lot of interaction at work with my work crush yesterday. I got paired up with him (actually, I requested to work with him) to zone a particular department. We got to take our breaks and lunch together.

At first, working with my crush was fun. It’s nice to talk to him and see him flash his smile. After a while, though, I remember that his mind is always on girls (he’s a total player). All I can ever hope to have from him is his friendship, and it’s hard to say whether that will last after I stop working at Target. But even if we are able to maintain contact after we stop working together, what kind of friendship will we have?

Ever since I was a kid, my self worth has been linked with the friendships I have. I feel better about myself if hot or popular people (the cool kids) are friends with me. Since I can’t be cool, hot, or popular in my own right, living vicariously through those who are is the next best thing.

If I’m associated with someone “important” (in other words, someone I have a crush on) then I feel important. If I’m not, then I feel worthless. I feel invisible, and the loneliness that has lingered with me for most of my life sets in again.

Yesterday, when it was just my work crush and me talking, I felt good. I was carefree and happy. But the instances when he was talking to one of his straight friends (with the straight guy banter only straight guys understand) or when he was on the phone with one of the many girls who is infatuated with him, I felt like a wallflower. I faded into the background, perhaps where I belong.

Who am I kidding? I’m friends (nominally) with my work crush, but I’ll never be good friends with him. He already has better work friends than me. At the moment, that realization makes me feel like crap. I’m sure these feelings will pass in time (they always do). I know my feelings are completely ridiculous and illogical; I’m not even sure this post makes any sense. One’s worth shouldn’t be based on the perceptions of others. Yet somehow I still feel this way.


2 Responses to “Self Worth By Association”

  1. will Says:

    hey i just happened across your blog and i have the same problem crushing on straight boys all the time. nice to see i’m not alone.

  2. Julian Says:

    Just like Will said above, I have the exact same problem at work. In fact what you said about yourself and nature of this torture is exactly how I am and feel.

    I have been depressed lately since my crush. My self worth is eating away by this depression at noticeable speeds. It is draining my soul by the minute and I understand it is best to let go; but I can’t. My crush isn’t popular, in fact he is almost opposite of popular, I think he is also a 30 year old virgin. I cant quit him because of “what if”, this slim chance, this hope is overcoming all my logic, all the negative signs he’s been giving off mean nothing to me. I have my self so convinced that there is a chance, even when he is mathematically impossible for me from the signs I have gathered.

    So just now I was feeling down, I google-ed for gay crush and this is what I found. It makes me feel better to know there are other people in the same situation. And I understand how tough it is on us, it makes us feel lonely. More so when I cant tell any of my friends here since I am not out at work. (All I know are people from work here, my first semi-new job) I choose to write here mostly because I’m so loaded with this pain that I needed to release; sorry that this is very selfish of me…

    They always say time will water down my crush, someone else will take my heart away. At the rate my life is right, it might take years! I can not avoid him, I work with him closely… and just like your case, I can never be closer friend with him since he has better friends with 8 years history. He pays the least attention to me when we hang out with other co-workers. All the small things he does, every slightest of neglect towards me, kills me inside, I physically feel it.

    Words can not do justice on how I feel when I’m around him. No one else made me feel so happy yet the next day so insignificant, unwanted, and alone. I am caught in an oscillating extremes of hope and defeat. And I think they can tell something is weird with me from my mood changes.

    I feel a bit better now, sorry for the long rely lol. My crush made me understand myself alot more, and it has to you I’m sure. Whatever happens, happy or sad ending, this episode will make us stronger, more experienced when it happens again.

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