Emotionally Tied

I’ve been going crazy the last couple days. Once I obsess about something (like, for example, worrying about my work crush), it takes hold of me and doesn’t let go until there’s a resolution. I was pensive and preoccupied all of yesterday, even while I was watching Watchmen with a few friends (which reminds me of when I was stressing out about my sales job while watching The Dark Knight). As a side comment: The more I think about Watchmen, the more I appreciate the story, but I don’t think I really understood the message while I was watching the movie.

Anyway. I didn’t find out about why my work crush had to miss dinner until halfway through today. My work crush’s cat, which technically still belongs to his ex-girlfriend, has been having health problems, so the ex-girlfriend dropped by to help take care of the cat. By the way, the cat is very cute and apparently only friendly to me. My work crush’s relationship with his ex-girlfriend is “complicated,” which I guess is the reason why her presence prevented him from going to a prearranged dinner with his friends. He wouldn’t give me more details about what makes the situation complicated, but just knowing what happened lets me relax quite a bit. My entire mood changed after I talked to him.

It’s amazing how emotionally tied I am to someone who can’t possibly care for me as much as I do for him (I’ve actually gotten this emotionally tied to every strong crush I’ve had). For example, I’m sure that he didn’t give me a second thought for the rest of the weekend after he hung up the phone with me on Saturday, whereas I was dwelling on him all weekend and drove the extra 35 mile roundtrip for the chance to see him and figure out why he bailed on us. And of course it was because of a girl, which isn’t good for my psyche either.

It’s frustrating. He’s a great friend to me. Whenever I have something to vent about, I go to him and he listens. We’ve had two-hour long conversations in the office parking lot at night before going home. And yet, I’ll never be the same kind of friend to him. Yeah, I’ve talked to him about some of his worries too (I did that tonight, actually), but it’s not the same. I never feel like I’ll ever be the good friend to him that I want to be.

I have it bad. I’m starting to sound irrational to myself. I thought I was better for a while, but I’m really crushing hard (that may already have been evidenced in my previous post). This isn’t good. I need to keep my distance again.

Posted in Boys, Friends, Me. Tags: , . 4 Comments »

4 Responses to “Emotionally Tied”

  1. Jonathan Says:

    You have no idea how sympathetic I am to this. 😛

    But just enjoy his friendship and keep dating other people.

  2. fullbodytransplant Says:

    Check out the real ending from the comic book. It is much squishier:


    Good times.

  3. Amy Says:

    you’re right… I think you need an activity where you could meet available (gay!) men. How about a scrapbooking class? (I’m not being stereotypical, I just know you like scrapbooking). Or go to West Hollywood… I think that’s the gay area? Or find a support group… I’m sure there are groups of people dealing with exactly what you deal with. Once you widen your gay circle, you’ll eventually meet a guy who can return your feelings.

  4. Jake Says:

    Ahh… crushing. It kills us inside, but it gives us a thrill in our lives too. When I’m not crushing on someone, my life isn’t all that interesting… I’m 15 and gay (not out) in high school and it’s depressing to know that the probability of my crushes having mutual feelings are much less because they first of all have to be gay, which is hard to find, and then second of all they have to be interested in me, even harder to find. *sigh* I was 90% sure my crush was gay and he is perfect. Cute/hot (reference to another post :P), smart, popular… But then he now has a girlfriend!! I don’t know if there’s still a chance if he’s gay. They’ve been together a couple months now and I’ve been crushing on him for a little over a year… How was your high school crushing experience?? Haha, sorry for rambling on…

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