Out of the Past

Ten years ago. I was 19.

I was at a summer math research program many states away from home. I fell in love (or what I thought was love) with another student in the program (let’s call him Guy). I didn’t know he was gay until there were only three weeks left in our program.

We had some fun together for a couple weeks. The long hugs and cuddling for a couple hours in the afternoon were the best. But Guy didn’t want a relationship. We went to school in different cities, and he was against long distance relationships (he had been cheated on in the past). I tried to convince him to try (I certainly wasn’t going to cheat on him) but it’s hard to argue logic with a math major. We reverted to being “just friends” for a while.

July 26, 2002. We both got a little drunk at a party (there was a lot of drinking that summer), and things heated up again. We ended up alone in his room. Here is an excerpt from something I wrote the next day, in an old journal I used to keep:

So I asked Guy if he liked me and he said he did. But I think when he’s sober, he likes me as a friend. When he’s drunk, he likes my body. Nowhere in there does he like me for me in a more romantic sense. I finally began to realize that as we were making out last night.

Guy wanted to take things a little further but my body and my mind were telling me not to. Like, my body refused to feel what was going on, and my mind was thinking about our relationship and how it could never work. So I wasn’t feeling sexual, and Guy was getting frustrated at me. I wanted to make Guy happy, but my body didn’t let me. He called me a 13 year old child and said that I’m not a man. He also said I’m not gay, because being gay means I want to have sex with men and all that stuff.

I thought I had buried this experience a long time ago, but the ten year anniversary of that summer somehow stirred up a lot of old feelings. I think a big reason why I still consider myself a boy and not a man stems from that night.

I started seeing a campus therapist last week. I think seeking counseling has been long overdue. It’s been good to talk through a lot of my feelings, both past and present. I hope I can finally move forward.


Belated Four Year Anniversary

September 28th was the four year anniversary of this blog. I’ve been unbelievably busy lately, seemingly more than ever before (but I always seem to say that).

Some landmarks from the last year:

I bought a MacBook Air.
I was so sick that I had to miss singing in choir concerts for the first time.
I spent Thanksgiving by myself.
I held my college friend’s baby when he was only a day old.
I was the best man at my high school bestie’s wedding.
I bought an iPhone.
I started doing research in statistics.
My brother became a doctor.

I haven’t mentioned this landmark anywhere, but it happened before September 28th: My advisor got me an office! I share it with seven other people, but at least I have a desk and chair that I can call my own! Unfortunately I’ve been staying there until past midnight for the last two weeks…

My list of landmarks seems to get shorter every year. The next year should be full of interesting decisions and possibly big changes. Stay tuned!

Three Years

It’s been three years since I started this blog! I posted infrequently for a few months, but I’m trying to post more often these days. I somehow have more time in graduate school than I did when I was taking undergraduate classes.

Some landmarks of the last year:

My sister got married.
My mom retired.
I became addicted to Lost.
I made six-hour long drives by myself.
I rejected an offer to a Ph.D. program with a full scholarship.
I was offered admission to a master’s program at a prestigious university.
My best friend from graduate school had twins.
I learned how to properly hold and comfort babies.
Two of my friends from graduate school got married.
I reconnected with a high school friend after ten years.
My best friend from high school chose me as his best man.
I moved away to graduate school.
I joined two choirs.

This list feels a bit short (my list from last year is here), and a lot of the landmarks had more to do with my friends and family rather than myself. School took up most of my landmark-making time this year. Still, it’s been a great year. A year ago, I never would have thought I’d be where I am now, in graduate school at Prestigious University. Life can be surprisingly amazing sometimes.

Rainbow Colored Graphs

I’m currently in my last week of the school term. I have a final on Friday and a take-home final over the weekend due Monday. One last push before Spring Break (during which I have to decide my destiny)! Because of my finals, I might not be posting anything for about a week, unless I feel inspired while taking a break from studying.

My ninth coming out anniversary is on Sunday (March 14). I probably won’t be able to do anything particularly fun (or gay) to celebrate. Maybe I’ll add some rainbow colors to the graphs on my take-home final!

Blog Turns Two

Today is the two-year anniversary of this blog! Since I’m big on birthdays, anniversaries, and other special dates, I like to use this day to reflect on the landmarks from the last year. My list from one year ago can be found here.

Landmarks, big and small (and huge):

I reconnected with my best friend from elementary school after nearly fifteen years.
I came out to my best friend from elementary school.
I came out to my sister.
I tried to come out to my dad, but it didn’t take.
I can no longer legally marry a boy (in California).
I went on dates (with boys!).
I started going on nightly walks with my parents.
I got a Starbucks Gold card.
I got an iPod touch (best purchase ever).
I got a Twitter account.
I went on my first out-of-town business trip.
I drove a big van (still four-wheeled) for the first time.
I made three-hour long drives by myself.
I transitioned into the accounting department at my company.
I went from being friends to strangers with my boss.
I quit my job.
I went back to school to study statistics.
One of my best friends from college lost his mom.

I feel like I’m leaving some key events out, but I can’t dwell on that right now. I have homework to do!

One Year Gone

A whole year has passed since I started working with my current company (the anniversary was yesterday, technically). I probably should be happier about it, but in many ways, I’m already planning my escape.

When things were good (and I felt important and competent), I deluded myself into thinking I possibly had a future with my company. After only a few months, I was given a lot of responsibilities (beyond my original position). All the managers trusted me and relied on me. I felt almost like a manager myself. I wanted to be a manager. I wanted to learn, and I was motivated to learn everything about everything.

Yet somehow it all fell away about a month ago. I admit I made mistakes (I always take responsibility for my mistakes, I hate passing blame), and the problems have all been resolved, but the work environment has irrevocably changed. My boss still doesn’t seem to trust me; she barely says two words to me unless it’s absolutely necessary. Without her trust, I no longer feel motivated to learn or even work.

As much as the situation sucks, it has given me an opportunity to take a step back and think about what I want out of my job and out of life. This job was always supposed to be a stepping stone to something better. Everything I’ve learned in the past year has given me the boost that I needed. Now it’s just a matter of finding my next step. To take that chance I’ve been considering.

Pink And Gold

Tomorrow is the eight year anniversary of the day I first came out. Usually on the day, my energy is just a little higher, I smile to myself a little more, and I try to celebrate in some small way. My uncle’s annual gathering to remember his late wife (my aunt) coincides with my anniversary this year, so I won’t be able to do anything particularly fun or gay tomorrow. Thus, I decided to have my small celebration today.

Continuing a tradition I started last year, I bought the very pink (very gay) venti passion tea lemonade (unsweetened of course) from Starbucks during my lunch hour. I only told two work friends about my anniversary: the (girl) friend I go to lunch with every day and my work crush. It was important for me to tell my two closest friends at work about it. They both were happy for me.

My lunch friend convinced me to spoil myself a little bit because it’s my anniversary, so I finally gave in and bought myself a Starbucks Gold card. For those outside the US, the Starbucks Gold card gives 10% off of all drinks and (regularly priced) merchandise. I’d been wanting one ever since they were first introduced late last year, but I felt I could never justify the $25 annual fee. I’m going to keep a log of how much I save by using this card, and we’ll see if it’s actually worth it. But in the meantime, I love getting new cards. I feel special.