I Never Learn

I’ve been feeling pretty crappy all day today. I think I might be starting to get sick, but that’s not why I feel bad. I tried to avoid admitting this situation to myself (which is why I haven’t said anything about this on this blog), but my feelings today made it pretty unequivocal.

For a few weeks now, I’ve vaguely liked this boy at work. He’s young (but legal), straight, extremely cute/hot, and a total ladies’ man. He was the first person at work to ask me if I was gay and subsequently was the first person at work to whom I came out. He’s pretty nice to me, in a strictly platonic (friendship between boys) sort of way.

Over the last couple months, we’ve become pretty good work friends. I’m fairly certain that our social circles would never meet outside of Target, but I like to think we’re friends. Unfortunately, the more time I spend with him, the more my feelings for him are developing into a crush.

At the same time (though it started earlier), I also developed a small attraction to one of my high school friends (he’s also straight, of course). Technically, he’s a friend of a high school friend, but we all went to the same high school. We didn’t hang out together very much until I moved home last August. I like to think we’ve become friends in our own right, but I find it difficult to have conversations with him. He’s really into watching sports of all kinds, but I know very little about them.

I also find it hard to talk to my high school friend because he’s incredibly cute. He’s more cute than hot, which is why I’m not calling him cute/hot, but he has really nice muscles (and abs), so he’s pretty hot too. I get intimidated by his attractiveness. Whenever I talk to him, I feel like my attraction to him shows (he knows I’m gay too, by the way), so I get really shy and awkward around him. If we’re in a group, I tend to avoid eye contact with him but take in glances when I can.

My high school friend was in Las Vegas with me this last weekend. Because I know in my head that my attraction to him will never be reciprocated, I got mildly depressed during parts of the trip. There were a couple times when I had to walk off by myself to clear my thoughts. Sometimes I felt better, but other times I didn’t.

So that was the setup for what’s been going on in my head all day. Neither crush will ever be reciprocated, and that recurring (almost incessant) thought made me want a comforting hug. Unfortunately, I really wanted a comforting hug from one of my crushes, which clearly will never happen. Knowing that just made everything all the more painful.

My work crush noticed that I looked a little depressed today at work, but I never got a chance to sit down and tell him why. I’m not sure if I should tell him why, though I don’t think he would start avoiding me or something. We’ll see how I feel tomorrow.

It’s amazing how much I don’t learn. Straight crush after straight crush, I never learn not to fall for straight boys.

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3 Responses to “I Never Learn”

  1. Amy Says:

    don’t tell him-it’ll make him uncomfortable, and you’re more work friends then friend friends. Feel free to tell him it’s about a guy, but let him infer that the object of your crush is a) not him and b) gay. It’s unfair, but straight guys often get awkward around gay men who go for straight ones. That is, until you know them really well.

    Anyways, I’m mentally sending a hug your way.

  2. tb Says:

    enjoy and treasure these friendships … other types will come.

  3. cristian Says:

    well i was bored and i read a few blogs but none got my attention. then i saw this one and could completely relate. I’m a junior in high school and basically falling for straight boys is the story of my life. My biggest was this guy named nick. I met him in 8th grade and he was really really funny. He really made me feel good when i was around him cuz he was very nice. I didn’t really feel feelings for him yet. it wasn’t until 9th grade when i began to miss him. He was held back in 8th grade so i went to high school alone. It wasn’t until i was in 10th grade that he went to high school. We didn’t talk much because we hardly saw each other and we sat with different people during lunch. Then I met this girl named elizabeth and me and her became really good friends and at one point I even fell in love with her (i am gay but its possible to fall in love with anyone) then one day she told me she really liked this boy nick and i was alarmed. She asked me for advice and i didn’t want to be a bad friend and tell her a lie. They had met in 8th grade. They had fallen in love but both were too shy. nothing happened in 10th grade. I however began to realize I was in love with him.11th grade rolled in and I talked to nick more and more and the more i talked the more i loved him but i felt very neglected by him. He hardly talked to me or payed attention to me and it made me very sad. Then by december, elizabeth and nick began to date and i wasn’t devastated but i felt extremely unhappy. She showed me a promise ring he had gotten her and i had to go cry in the restroom for a whole period and skipped class. I began to feel very frustrated and i really wanted to tell him. I told elizabeth one day and she told me it was ok and that I should tell nick. A week later I did over myspace (too scared to do it in person) he said it was ok and he knew because of the way i would look at him. He told me earlier before i had made my lazy confession that he thought he was bi in 8th grade. it shocked me a bit since he is very straight.anyways. so after i confessed it to him, a week later me and my friend elizabeth decided to get messed up on cough medicine and we were by my playground and she had told me that he would have given me a chance had i told him before him and elizabeth dated. Now we’re pretty good friends and he somehow seems to sympathize a lot for me and hugs me a lot and tells me he loves me a lot as a friend and takes me out for lunch and stuff but it feels like such a delusion. So i can relate to how you feel because I’ve had so many crushes on straight boys and i can’t help it because there has been no gay men or bi men to capture my heart like these boys have. Oh, the life of a gay man is to suffer a lot sometimes. but friends are really all you need.


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