The Same Friend I Knew

Things have been getting increasingly stressful at work. My boss and my big boss (the president of the company) were hounding me all last week about collecting past due invoices. With the economic downturn, money is getting very tight, so I understand that we need to be more vigilant in collecting on invoices before they are too old to collect, but there are better ways to communicate with me that don’t make me feel incompetent.

If my relationship with my boss was better (like it used to be), I wouldn’t necessarily mind the extra push they’re giving me. But with the way things are, any interaction with either my boss or my big boss makes me feel like all the work I do is meaningless and the handful of mistakes I make define my performance. My stress level was getting so high that I felt like I would be either fired or laid off at the end of the week (but I wasn’t). I think the breaking point is coming.

Fortunately, my weekend was pretty good. I spent all of Saturday with my brother and my best friend from elementary school (who I hadn’t seen in 15 years). We ate dim sum with my parents, watched Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (awesome), played video games on the Wii, and spent hours chatting about pretty much everything.

In many ways, it felt like nothing had changed. I don’t remember too many details about when we used to hang out, but there were certain mannerisms and aspects of my friend’s personality that reminded me of the friend I knew so many years ago. I thought, yes, this is the same guy. It was great.

Here Goes Nothing

I attended my grandfather’s 90th birthday dinner party on Saturday. All my aunts, uncles, and cousins (on my mom’s side) were there. Some of my relatives flew in from Taiwan specifically for the celebration. We booked a room at a nice Chinese restaurant and split our party across four large tables.

I sat at the “kids’ table” with all of my cousins. I’m considered one of the older cousins; most of them are either in high school or college. At some point during the dinner conversations, the topic of gay people came up (I really don’t know how that discussion started, I certainly didn’t initiate it). During discussions about gay people, I generally stay quiet and listen closely to what people say to gauge their comfortability with the topic. This was no exception.

One of my cousins asked the table if anyone was anti-gay. I didn’t hear anyone say they were. Then my sister said she wasn’t anti-gay, but “they should at least tell their family.” I felt my face immediately become flushed. She knows.

I never came out to my extended family, not even to my sister. There were so many times over the years when I desperately wanted to tell her but I never could bring myself to actually do it (I wrote a post about this almost two years ago). But after my sister made the comment on Saturday, I obsessed about it for the rest of the weekend. The time to tell her finally had come. I couldn’t wait to tell her the next time I saw her, and there was no way I would have the courage to call her on the phone. I had to send an email.

Yesterday morning, after two days of convincing myself that it was time, I wrote the email. I used the subject title “Here Goes Nothing.”

Hi (sister’s name),

I was always waiting for the perfect opportunity to tell you, but I don’t think such a moment exists for this, so here it goes: I’m gay.

After the brief discussion among the cousins about gay people and Prop 8 on Saturday, you said something (I forget the exact words) that made me feel like you already knew, but you wanted me to tell you. I guess I’m pretty obvious in a lot of ways.

I’m really sorry I never told you sooner. There were probably lots of times to tell you, but I always chickened out. Even now, my hands are frozen cold and I can’t think of what to write, but I’ve been dying to tell you. I’m sorry if an email feels impersonal, but I didn’t want to wait until the next time we see each other.

I told (brother’s name) a long time ago, but we haven’t really talked about it since. I wasn’t really ready to tell him when I did. I told (our mom) and (our dad) over the phone once, but they didn’t believe me; they said I was too young to know and I haven’t met the right girl. They act like it never happened. I brought it up again with (our dad) after discussing Prop 8 with him last October, but he’s definitely against gay marriage and against me marrying a man. He acts like that never happened either.

Obviously, I’m still the same (normalboy) you’ve always known, I’m just confirming what you already know. I’ve always wanted to be a closer brother to you; I hope this will help.

I need to press send before I chicken out again.

Love,
(normalboy)

I was freaking out both before and after I sent the email. I couldn’t relax until I heard back from my sister. I had already mustered the courage to tell her by email, so I decided to call her on my lunch break.

My sister hadn’t checked her email when I called her; she actually opened it while I was on the line. Right after she saw the key words, she said how incredibly happy she was that I told her. She was actually crying. She is “100% supportive” and reassured me that she was available to talk about anything, no matter what. I was so relieved that I couldn’t stop smiling.

She said that she had suspected for a while but never got the nerve to ask, fearing that she would offend me. I felt bad that I had waited so long to tell her, but she was just very glad that I had told my friends already. She didn’t want me to feel alone in my struggles.

I’ve always been afraid to come out to people who have known me since childhood (I assume their image of me is still of an innocent kid when sexuality wasn’t an issue), yet I came out to two close people in one week! I wonder when I started being so bold?

I have the best sister ever!

Not An Issue

This has been one of the best weeks I’ve had in a very long time. Ever since my best friend from elementary school emailed me Monday morning, I’ve been in a good mood. Every time I talk to him online (every day this week!) or even see his name in my email, I smile. I still can’t believe it.

I came out to him yesterday morning, over Yahoo! Messenger. We had gotten on the topic of family and kids, so I thought it wasn’t a far stretch to tell him that “I’m not straight” (I still don’t like saying “I’m gay”). He wasn’t really surprised (no one ever is, it seems).

I told him that I was afraid to tell him because I didn’t know how he’d react. Because we knew each other when we were kids, sexuality was never an issue back then. But my friend said that even now my being gay is still not an issue.

It was a great response. I feel comfortable talking to him about anything. I was initially afraid that we would basically be strangers after growing up separately for the last 15 years, but it almost feels like we haven’t lost any time at all.

Perspective

I spent a good portion of the morning talking to my long lost best friend from elementary school on Yahoo! Messenger (the one embedded in the email). It was absolutely surreal and amazing to catch up with him.

His life experiences are quite different from mine. He has traveled to many different countries and broken out of a conventional 9-to-5 working lifestyle. He’s doing what he loves and doesn’t worry about where life takes him.

I envy him in many ways, but he said that it’s all about perspective. Even though I envy his worldly travels and somewhat flexible schedule, he admires my educational background and (current) financial stability. I think there’s a lot I can learn from him.

I love that we turned out so differently yet can still connect the way good friends do, even though it’s been 15 years since I’ve seen him. It was surprisingly easy. We chatted on Yahoo! Messenger for over two hours already, but we decided we will talk over Skype tonight too (although I really hate webcams).

The dating/relationship issue hasn’t come up yet, so I still haven’t told him that I’m gay. He’ll probably be okay with it, but it’s always weird to tell childhood friends, especially after so many years with no contact. I would prefer to tell him through instant messaging (because I’m a chicken), but I have a feeling it might come up during a videoconference.

I know telling him shouldn’t be a big deal, but it still feels like it is. The fear of coming out never seems to end.

My First Best Friend

I received an email this morning from an old childhood friend from elementary school. We met when we were in first grade and became best friends very quickly, but we lost contact about 15 years ago (I think).

I’ve been searching for him online for years, but I never found him. My mom and I were actually talking about him just a couple weeks ago. From his email, apparently he’s been searching for me for a long time too. He finally found an old personal website that I used to have that I stopped updating about four years ago and got my email through that.

This is great! I love reconnecting with old friends. This friend especially. He was my first best friend.

Waiting For What Never Comes

I hate going so many days without writing something. The last few days (weeks, maybe even months) have been so mundane, I feel like there isn’t anything about which to write.

My weekend was uneventful; I spent the weekend with my parents walking around the same mall we always do. On workdays (like today), I struggle out of bed and somehow make it through the day, always feeling half-conscious, waiting for the end of the day. When I’m at home, I have the urge to do something productive yet end up sitting in front of my computer wasting time, watching Scrubs on DVD, or playing games on my iPod touch.

I need to break out of my routine. Every week, I’m half-expecting to be laid off, but my company might never let me go (as long as the company still exists). I’m waiting for what may never come. I’m just biding my time, waiting for opportunity to find me, even though it never will.

I’m frustrated at myself. Even if I get laid off, then what? I’d probably end up sitting at home doing nothing, lamenting that I have no future and still not doing anything about it. I know I need to act. I know nothing will change unless I make it happen. So why can’t I do anything?

Daily Walking

I’ve thoroughly convinced (or so I think) my parents that exercising is the easiest lifestyle change in my mom’s efforts to lower her cholesterol. Every night this week, right after we get home from work, my parents and I have gone out and walked around our neighborhood for a good 30-40 minutes; the route we take is at least two miles long. I was initially afraid that my parents would think the walk was too time consuming and give up after one day, but the routine seems to be sticking.

My mom’s plan is to see how her diet and new exercise regimen will affect her cholesterol. In a few months, she will get another blood test and see if she really does need to take medication or not. I don’t think walking every day is going to be enough, but it’s a start.

Cholesterol

My mom found out that she has high cholesterol. She was borderline before, but her latest test results were quite a bit higher than expected. I think she has a predisposition to it (which might mean I do too?); my dad eats the same sorts of food (and likes red meat more than my mom does) but his cholesterol levels are normal. My parents already generally eat healthier than the average American family, but my mom’s diet is clearly not enough to keep her LDL levels down.

My mom’s doctor recommended a low dose of medication (I don’t know which one yet, it doesn’t really matter at this point) to help, but my mom is very hesitant to take medication for fear that she’ll become dependent on a drug (she doesn’t want to be “addicted” for the rest of her life). She insists that her diet is good enough. I think she’s in denial a little bit. While I understand my mom’s reluctance to take medication, I don’t necessarily want her to rule out the possibility that she might need it either.

I think the biggest and easiest thing to change in my mom’s lifestyle is her exercise routine, or rather, the lack thereof. We usually walk around in our backyard after dinner for 15-20 minutes and stroll around the mall for a few hours on weekends, but that’s the extent of her cardio activity (I’m not sure how much five minutes of qi gong in the morning counts). Most of my mom’s evening (besides cooking dinner) is spent sitting on the couch watching Chinese soap operas or Taiwanese news/politics on TV.

Thus, because I’m the “mini-doctor” in the family (I’m not the doctor in the family, which will be my brother in two years, but I’ve always been interested in taking care of everyday health issues), I’m trying to learn more about how to deal with high cholesterol and come up with an exercise plan to which my parents can actually stick. If I’m going to help my mom get into shape, I may as well help my dad too. Hopefully I can get myself back into shape in the process.