One of my friends from high school text messaged me about an hour ago asking if I was going to the housewarming/BBQ party at our mutual friend’s new house tonight. I was surprised by his question, because I didn’t know about the party. I wasn’t invited.
I hate feeling excluded. When I was younger, I often felt lonely and isolated, even when I was surrounded by friends. If my closest friends ever did things without including me, I felt unimportant and abandoned. I was afraid that my friends would become better friends with each other than with me.
Whenever I found out about an event that my close friends had (or were having) that I didn’t know about, the feelings of isolation and abandonment came rushing back. Even now, years later, I still take it personally when I’m not invited to things. Even if I’m too busy to go or I’m not that interested in the activity (like watching sports or going clubbing), I like to feel included in the group.
I understand how unreasonable it is for me to expect that I would be included in every social gathering or that I’d be invited to every party thrown by any one of my friends. My feelings can be irrational, but I can’t always help how I feel. There must be some deep-seeded psychological reason behind my paranoia. I thought I was over feeling like this, but apparently not.
Side note: Less than a month ago, I attended the wedding of my friend who is having the housewarming party tonight. Sigh.