Excluded

One of my friends from high school text messaged me about an hour ago asking if I was going to the housewarming/BBQ party at our mutual friend’s new house tonight. I was surprised by his question, because I didn’t know about the party. I wasn’t invited.

I hate feeling excluded. When I was younger, I often felt lonely and isolated, even when I was surrounded by friends. If my closest friends ever did things without including me, I felt unimportant and abandoned. I was afraid that my friends would become better friends with each other than with me.

Whenever I found out about an event that my close friends had (or were having) that I didn’t know about, the feelings of isolation and abandonment came rushing back. Even now, years later, I still take it personally when I’m not invited to things. Even if I’m too busy to go or I’m not that interested in the activity (like watching sports or going clubbing), I like to feel included in the group.

I understand how unreasonable it is for me to expect that I would be included in every social gathering or that I’d be invited to every party thrown by any one of my friends. My feelings can be irrational, but I can’t always help how I feel. There must be some deep-seeded psychological reason behind my paranoia. I thought I was over feeling like this, but apparently not.

Side note: Less than a month ago, I attended the wedding of my friend who is having the housewarming party tonight. Sigh.

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Posted in Friends, Me. Tags: , . 2 Comments »

2 Responses to “Excluded”

  1. Jonathan Says:

    Sorry to hear that.

    If it makes you feel any better… yesterday, my coworkers were talking about going out to eat. All day they kept talking about what they were going to order. Finally, at the end of the day, one of them invited me. Of course I said no; certainly if they all wanted me there, I would have been in on their plans from the start, as opposed to one person’s last minute pity inclusion.

    It’s not a big deal and I’m not all bent out of shape about it, but the desire to be with the group, which would be a matter of life and death for most hunter-gatherers, is powerful.

    In other news, I am wrestling with my decision to go back to grad school. I’ve been spoiled studying things because of my interest. Now to study something because a professor has instructed me to feels impossible! And all this time and money for a job that I don’t really want! It’s just a security blanket…

    And yet, I don’t like my current job; it will kill me if I stay, and so far as alternative day jobs go, even though it is far from my talent or even my interest, teaching just seems like the most interesting thing I can do.

    Yet I hate to put all this time, money, and effort into something that I might not even need. And on top of all that, a job, let alone success, is far from guaranteed just because I go back to school. The degree just makes the option possible.

    Yet as distraught as I am over career decisions, the most powerful emotion right now is loneliness. My friends are all busy with other things today.

    There’s my little life for ya…

  2. Amy Says:

    I know about the left out thing… we all feel that way sometimes. An sometimes it does work out that way. I remember one day pretty much exactly four years ago when I and a friend were talking about going for lunch, and you got upset you couldn’t come too. Sorry ’bout that, but you were right – there was something going on. And see how well that turned out? You can come to my housewarming. When I get a house.


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