As if things couldn’t get any worse, I found out today that the wife of my company’s president passed away last Friday. She was recently diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease (or something like it), but her passing was unrelated (I think) and very unexpected. Needless to say, the president wasn’t in today.
With two significant deaths for those close to me occurring this past weekend, I’ve noticed something about myself. While I certainly feel saddened by death, I honestly don’t remember ever crying when someone died. I often see others react strongly when a friend or relative dies, and I always feel for them, but I also wonder why I don’t react strongly with them.
When my friend was killed by his dad in 1997, I didn’t cry. I’ve still never cried for him. When one of my aunt’s died about ten years ago, I remember attending the memorial service. I was respectfully quiet, but I distinctly remember feeling nothing. I felt like I was supposed to be sad but I wasn’t. That I was supposed to cry but I didn’t.
Sometimes I wonder if I’ve bottled up my sad emotions for so long that I’m incapable of letting them show (or even really feeling them anymore). There are days when I want to be able to cry, but tears just won’t appear. Maybe it’s because I haven’t felt the pain of losing someone close enough. But I’m afraid that when that day eventually does come (hopefully not for a very very long time), I still won’t be able to express any emotion.
And yet I’m somehow able to tear up from sad movies. How is it that I feel more from movies than from real life?