In A Rut

I’m in a rut. I keep thinking about how my current job is temporary and how I can’t possibly see myself doing it long term, yet I don’t do anything to get out of my situation. I drag myself to work every morning (some days, like Mondays, are worse than others) and somehow make it through the day, trying not to make a wrong move and have my friend/boss get mad at me. Then I go home, sit in front of my computer, and try to relax, usually watching episodes from a funny TV show on my computer (currently it’s Arrested Development).

I know I should be more proactive, but I’m always so drained at the end of the day. All I want to do after work is veg out. I really don’t know how people with actual lives (and relationships and kids) handle it all. Where does all their energy come from?

I was talking to my mom last night about this. She told me how my dad had put himself through graduate school, working full time during the day and going to school full time at night. He would sometimes (often) get his night’s rest by sleeping in a chair for a couple hours. My dad’s energy and discipline to work and study stemmed from the necessity for him to work and study. He had no support from his parents or his many (many) siblings, so he had to support himself and make it through.

I’ve been really lucky to be able to move back home after graduate school and have any financial support that my parents can offer. I try to pay for certain things with my own income, but my parents would prefer that I save as much as I can while I’m not paying rent. But maybe my luck is part of the reason as to why it’s so difficult to discipline myself to do anything productive.

I think I’m still waiting for an opportunity to fall in my lap so I can just take it, even though I know it doesn’t work that way. I have to break out of my routine of wasting time after work. Something needs to change. If I don’t, nothing will.

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