Vaguely continuing the topic from yesterday’s post, lately I’ve been thinking about the concepts of self confidence and self identity. My work crush is very confident with himself (that’s a huge understatement). The few gay guys I know (two of whom I met through work) are also comfortable with themselves. They all seem to know who they are.

Meanwhile, I feel like I don’t know who I am or who I’m supposed to be. There are so many days when I feel like I don’t fit in anywhere. For example, I have a master’s degree but I work as a peon at Target. I like my fellow team members, but I’m very different from them. I come from a different world.

In my (almost non-existent) personal life, I act too straight to identify with gay guys and I’m too gay to identify with straight guys. I don’t go clubbing or pick up random boys at bars. I don’t mack on the ladies or pal around with the fellas. I don’t dance, and I don’t watch sports.

If I’m in a one-on-one setting, I’m usually okay. I can find something to talk about and something with which to connect. But if there’s a larger social setting, then I’m at a loss. I stand back and watch the conversations in front of me, unable to offer anything of value. I don’t know enough. I haven’t experienced enough. I haven’t done anything.

Some might argue that being different is good. Different means unique, and I can express myself. But what’s the point in being unique if it keeps me from truly relating with other people?


2 Responses to “Different”

  1. Lisa Says:

    So here’s a thought: right now you’re not immersing yourself in studying right now, and you’re not in a job that keeps you insanely busy. Get yourself out there, and find yourself. Find interests, go do stuff (even if it’s by yourself!) find a mentor, find groups with which you share commonalities. I daresay, you’re a well-educated, gay, Asian American. You may be having trouble relating to the people in your life now because they have little in ways of a shared history with you. It may be a little challenging to find your comfortable social niche, but that doesn’t mean it’s not worth the effort to look for it.

    Start someplace like http://www.meetup.com – you would probably be surprised how many groups exist that you might find interesting. Maybe look for an LGBT support group – it seems many of your identity/confidence issues are arising out of your orientation.

    And for goodness sake, stop spending your free time trailing this guy you have a crush on around at work. You’re never going to feel like you ‘belong’ anywhere if you spend countless hours inserting yourself into a situation that will just continue to make you miserable.


  2. normalboy Says:

    It’s true, following around my work crush is completely masochistic. It’s enjoyable while I’m there, but it’s definitely not good in the long term.

    Thanks for your input, Lisa! I’ll certainly be checking out that website.

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