Vaguely continuing the topic from yesterday’s post, lately I’ve been thinking about the concepts of self confidence and self identity. My work crush is very confident with himself (that’s a huge understatement). The few gay guys I know (two of whom I met through work) are also comfortable with themselves. They all seem to know who they are.
Meanwhile, I feel like I don’t know who I am or who I’m supposed to be. There are so many days when I feel like I don’t fit in anywhere. For example, I have a master’s degree but I work as a peon at Target. I like my fellow team members, but I’m very different from them. I come from a different world.
In my (almost non-existent) personal life, I act too straight to identify with gay guys and I’m too gay to identify with straight guys. I don’t go clubbing or pick up random boys at bars. I don’t mack on the ladies or pal around with the fellas. I don’t dance, and I don’t watch sports.
If I’m in a one-on-one setting, I’m usually okay. I can find something to talk about and something with which to connect. But if there’s a larger social setting, then I’m at a loss. I stand back and watch the conversations in front of me, unable to offer anything of value. I don’t know enough. I haven’t experienced enough. I haven’t done anything.
Some might argue that being different is good. Different means unique, and I can express myself. But what’s the point in being unique if it keeps me from truly relating with other people?