I don’t think blogging was meant to be done every day. That’s probably why most other blogs on the web are far more interesting than mine. I’m trying to post something every day, hopefully either interesting or meaningful, or both. It keeps me motivated to keep up with the site, helps me vent thoughts and feelings, and lets me practice my writing skills.
Despite all the reasons to post daily, it’s hard to come up with interesting things about which to write, since I’m not doing anything fun or exciting these days. I spend my days at Starbucks studying, and then I sometimes go to the gym. I guess exercising is the most fun I have.
I’ve been to the gym three times this week, which is my general goal for the average week. Because I’m trying to lose some weight (or at least my belly fat), I’m shooting for four times a week until I’m “satisfied” with how my body/abs look. I wonder if that stereotype of gay guys being perfectly trim and health conscious is making me work just that much harder.
That thought brings up an interesting subject. I sometimes feel like I don’t know how to “be” or “act” gay because I’ve had so few gay people in my life. It’s like I’m somehow less gay because I’ve been influenced by so many straight people. Whenever I’m put in a position where I’m around gay boys, I definitely feel uncomfortable. I don’t know what to do. Am I supposed to do or say something that will make it known to them that I’m also gay? Is there a secret handshake or password I don’t know about? Maybe I’m missing some secret club meetings?
My (homophobic) aunt once told a story to my parents and me about this guy she knew who turned out to be gay. She said that all of a sudden he had limp wrists (she made gestures) and was talking with a lisp. I don’t know if she was exaggerating or not. As for me, I’m pretty sure I didn’t start showing “gay characteristics” once I started coming out.
It’s hard to say though whether I’ve become “more gay” over the last six and a half years. Sometimes if I’m out shopping, or I just finished watching an episode of Ugly Betty (best show ever), I “feel” a little more gay or I can feel myself talking faster and saying “fabulous” more often. Does that mean acting gay really is just acting?
When I’m with my friends, I tend to speak more freely than when I’m with my parents, but I guess that’s understandable for anyone. I feel like I’m suppressing “gayness” when I talk to my family, even if I’m not thinking about it. I try not to talk about relationships, marriage, or having children around my parents. Even talking about my friends’ relationships can feel awkward, even though I only talk about straight relationships, because in the back of my mind (and my parents’ minds too I gather) there’s the question of my (lack of) relationships.
Funny how these posts never turn out the way I think they will when I start them. And as a complete side note, my blog hits have increased quite a bit, mostly because of last week’s post about swimming. Apparently I’m not the only one who likes swimmers’ bodies…