I’m getting to know some of the students in my classes. Word seems to have spread that I know what I’m doing (I stay up to date on the course material and try to do my homework well in advance), because many of my classmates have been asking me for help whenever they have questions. I’ve become the go-to guy for verifying answers and helping to solve homework problems (I’ve usually solved them on my own already).

One of my classes involves group work, so our class was split into groups of three. We sit with our group members during lectures and do in-class exercises together. A couple days ago, we were working in our groups, and four people from separate groups asked me questions to see how I was doing the exercise. They have their own groups with whom to compare answers, yet they all came to me. It’s amusing.

There are a few classmates who are in two of my classes who ask me for help in both. One classmate in particular initially asked to “work on homework together,” but because I do my homework early, I ended up just tutoring her. I feel like a TA for my own classes!

I used to be the go-to guy at my old work and at Target too. I think there’s a trend here…

I tend to shy away from challenge. When things get tough, I give up pretty easily. My mom even told me so (and when your mom says it, it’s probably true). I joked that I would consider going to medical school (like my brother). She said I would never be able to handle it, because I would give up at the first sign of difficulty.

What my mom said is true, to a point. Math was always difficult to grasp, but I studied it because I was interested in it. It was worth it to me to spend so much time and energy understanding it, because it didn’t feel like work. But once I became discouraged and lost confidence in my ability, it felt like work. The payoff wasn’t worth the effort anymore.

My interest and motivation has always been highly influenced by my supervisor. For example, I never liked math until I had one incredible professor in college who brought the subject to life for me. In graduate school, my conflicts with my advisor directly resulted in my deciding not to continue pursuing a Ph.D. Now, my motivation to work has been all but erased by the awkward work environment created from the strained relationship with my boss.

This dependence on my supervisor has been both an advantage and a disadvantage. When relations are good, I’m happy and I work well (often seemingly independently motivated). When relations are bad, I’m discouraged and lose all drive; tasks that used to be interesting and challenging become laborious and cumbersome. As a result, lofty ideas and goals become unrealistic and impractical fantasies.

So here is my solution to my own shortcomings: go into business for myself. I’m too easily swayed by a supervisor, so why not become my own supervisor? In doing that, I would force myself to stay motivated, because there are no other alternatives. Sink or swim, basically.

Given my interests, skills, and background, the most practical business I’ve been considering is private tutoring. Having seen my company run from different perspectives (I’ve done sales and accounting, but I’ve also helped in production, shipping, quality assurance, and customer service), I think I have some idea on how to run my own small business (I might be eating these words later). I should be fine, especially if I get a lot of advice from Amy (I’m strongly considering partnering with you).

I still have a lot of reservations regarding making the leap into becoming self-employed (often considered a euphemism for unemployed). There is substantial risk involved, and I still have confidence issues, but maybe that’s exactly why I should do it.

I still haven’t decided if I want to join the price change team, but I’m leaning toward taking the job. I’ve been frustrated a lot lately by the fact that I can’t motivate myself to be productive. If I stay at home all day, I end up playing my DS Lite or surfing the net all day without realizing it.

If I’m already out of the house, I’m more likely to sit down at Borders or Starbucks and do what I need to do. I would basically use the price change schedule to outsmart my lack of self-discipline. It’s easier to work with my limitations rather than try to change them, right?

I’m tutoring my friend from work again tomorrow morning. That should be a good excuse to get me out of bed and be productive. Speaking of tutoring, my mom found out that I wasn’t charging my friend anything for my services. She was so upset that she didn’t say anything. She sort of changed the subject and left the room. I don’t think she understands that there’s more to tutoring than just money.

I don’t want to talk about my interview until I know how I did. I’m not really superstitious, but I don’t want to jinx myself. The store team leader said he would meet with my store team leader and the district team leader tomorrow and let me know ”what the next step is” early next week.

Meanwhile, one of my friends at work needs help in math. She’s taking the GED exam next week. I helped her a little bit during her break at work, and we’re meeting tomorrow to have a proper tutoring session. I’m not going to charge her for my services, though. I don’t like to charge friends, and I’m pretty sure she’s not expecting (or able) to pay me.

Tutoring, whether paid or unpaid, is always a good learning experience for me. I like tutoring, and I’m just glad to be able to help.

I’m feeling much better today. Vitamin C and nine hours of sleep really help. I did my full eight-hour shift without feeling dizzy or sick at all. Everything went pretty smoothly all day, and I’m not even tired after work.

Meanwhile, things on the executive front are not progressing. I haven’t heard a word about my interviews or whether my store team leader (STL) has even sent my resume to the other STL yet or not.

As I wait (somewhat patiently) for the ETL path to open, I’m questioning whether I jumped into the retail/executive/management path too quickly. I wonder whether I’ve already stayed too long at Target as it is. This post from a couple months ago comes to mind.

Now that I’m out of school, I feel like every little thing I do is affecting my future (ha, as if school didn’t affect it). There’s no reset button, no do-overs. There’s only one take in the TV show that is my life. In every decision I make, I have to think about my life and where I want to be a few years from now.

After talking to my parents, they had different things to say. My dad thinks that if the ETL position works out, it can open up the management world for me. I can work at Target for a couple years, get an MBA, and move on to bigger and better things. Eventually, I could even make my pipe dream of hotel management a reality.

My mom, on the other hand, would prefer that I take an office job, or “a job where I sit,” as opposed to running around all day like I am now. She’s not as enthusiastic about me working for Target, especially since I put so much into my work and get little (money) in return. She worries that I’m going to lose too much weight and get an ulcer.

If the ETL/management path didn’t pan out, I still have time to study for the second actuarial exam. I could take the exam in November rather than May. Another option is to tutor full time. Tutoring sounds very appealing to me, since I would be managing my own hours and (theoretically) making a lot more money. However, being self-employed isn’t that different on a resume from being unemployed, unless I report to the government that I run a private tutoring business and pay taxes (which sucks).

A few years from now, I certainly don’t want to be living at home. I want to be financially able to cover my expenses and regularly put money away for savings. I don’t have to be rich by any means, but I would like the flexibility (with money and time) to visit old friends and/or travel to Europe. I would love regular hours and be able to leave my work at work.

Anyway, I think this post is losing its focus. I’m not sure if following a path (retail/management) that looks interesting and exciting now is something I’m going to regret somewhere down the line. Certainly retail/management will never give me regular hours. I can’t just think about what makes me happy now. I have to look ahead.

One of my team leaders at Target is taking a math course at a nearby community college. He knows I have a master’s degree in math, so he asked me to tutor him tonight.

We met up at a Barnes and Noble, and we stayed there for three and a half hours. That’s a long time for a tutoring session, but he needed the help. The math he’s learning is not very advanced (I think I learned it in junior high), but it still takes practice and concentration to learn.

Tutoring my team leader got me thinking about tutoring as a career. Not to brag, but I surprised myself with how patient I was with him. I really enjoy tutoring, and I’m far more patient with my students than many other tutors.

Private tutoring can easily add up to a lot of money as well. For the record, though, I didn’t tutor my team leader for the money. I actually undercharged him quite a bit. I usually give a discount to friends.

The problem with tutoring is that the number of hours I work would be uncertain. Since I’m not affiliated with any school, no one would know me at first. It would be hard to build a reputation and bring in tutees. After a while, I guess, I would get referrals and build a little business out of it.

In the end, tutoring seems more like a second job than a primary one. But since my schedule at Target changes every week, it would be hard to tutor regularly while still keeping my current job. I think I’m going to wait for the store team leader to get back to me about the ETL position and go from there.

I tutored my cousin today. It was pretty fun to explain some of the math that I’ve been learning these last couple months. Explaining math always makes me wonder if becoming an actuary is really for me, or if my heart is really in teaching.

I like teaching a lot. Getting to know my students and seeing them progress is very rewarding. When I taught a couple calculus classes in graduate school, I often spent more time preparing for teaching my class than I spent working on my own research. I’m pretty good at teaching too; my students gave me flattering evaluations.

After I finished my masters, I starting thinking about what’s most practical rather than what’s perhaps most fulfilling. Becoming an actuary is the most financially rewarding way to utilize my advanced math training (besides cheating at gambling or something). While teaching is great, I would make half the money that an actuary makes, probably less. If I want a chance at being financially secure and be able to provide for my eventual child (and maybe my parents in their old age), shouldn’t I choose a profession that will help me achieve those goals?

The actuary field is interesting too. Learning about how to use the math behind insurance and risk management has been really fun. Unfortunately, the road to becoming an actuary is very difficult and insanely competitive. This first exam for which I’m preparing is already pretty tough, but the rest of the exams are just as difficult, if not more so. I don’t know if I have what it takes to make it.

As I get older, I’m starting to think more like an adult. That is, I’m starting to consider long-term goals and thinking about what I need over what I want. It’s weird, realizing I’m not a kid anymore. Are being practical and being happy mutually exclusive?

No matter what, I have to just give it my all and study for my upcoming actuarial exam. After the exam, I can decide whether becoming an actuary is right for me. If I think too much about it now, I will screw up my chances of passing the exam and the decision will be made for me.

Oh, and speaking about my cousin, I tried not to say too much when she mentioned that Dumbledore is gay. It seemed like she didn’t think it made a big difference (which it really doesn’t). I wonder if she would think the same way if she knew I’m gay. Even if she would, I still won’t tell her for a while anyway, knowing how gossip spreads in my family.