Maybe It’s Time

At some point, I have to stop being scared of life. Stop being scared to take risks. Stop feeling sorry for myself.

My friend/boss is presenting me with opportunities to move up in the company, and I’m still reluctant to take on more responsibilities. But maybe it’s finally time to put my reservations aside and rise to the challenge, rather than always backing away.

How does someone change one’s self image? How does someone become more confident? All of the reasons why I’m resisting moving forward are in my head (I’m pretty sure).

Maybe it’s time to do something that’s good for me, despite myself.

November Is Closer Than I Think

I’m feeling a little better. My thoughts weren’t as overpowering today. My work crush didn’t ask me about yesterday, so I didn’t bring it up either. I still had some moments when I felt that familiar sinking feeling in my heart, but it was manageable.

In other news, I (finally) applied to a couple actuarial associate positions at a reputable health insurance company. I have a friend who works for the company already, so maybe adding his name as a referral will help me get noticed.

I guess I should (finally) go back to studying for the actuarial exams. I missed the deadline to register for the May exam, so I’ll have to prepare for November. I’m going to have a really hard time staying motivated for so many months. Thinking I have a lot of time is going to make me procrastinate more than usual, even though I know the time will fly by.

Although, if I’m still working at my current job in November, I might go crazy. That’s probably motivation enough, actually.

Belated

I just realized I missed two of my friends’ birthdays within the last week. I used to be really good at remember dates and birthdays. I might still remember the date, but I won’t remember on the actual day in question. I hate saying “happy belated birthday.”

This frustrates me a lot. My friends used to ask me when other people’s birthdays are. Now that I’m working and losing all track of time, the days are flying by without me realizing. It’s almost the middle of March!

Sometimes I think my brain is slowing from not using it as much as I once did. I still remember what my master’s thesis is about, but dates and memories that I used to remember very well are fading. Maybe I should start playing sudoku or something.

Working On My Days Off

My LOD at Target called me this morning asking me if I could work tonight. At first she wanted me to work the closing shift, and then she called me again an hour later to ask if I would start earlier to work a full eight hours. I said yes, of course.

Halfway through work today, my team leader asked if I could work tomorrow night as well. I didn’t give him a definite answer, but we all know I’m going to say yes. I don’t usually say no to working more. I like working. My team members are great and I have fun doing what I do.

Last week when I had three days off in a row, I felt very unproductive. I ate too much (and felt fat), played too many video games, and didn’t study at all. On days when I work, I give myself a list of things I need to do before work. I definitely need some structure to my days so that I don’t waste all my time away.

It seems like my favorite thing to do on my days off is to work. If only I had the same work ethic in graduate school!

Studying Time

My studying isn’t going well. Because I work the evening shift at Target, I end up sleeping pretty late (like 3am) and then get up late the next morning. I loaf around, take my time drinking my morning coffee, and don’t really get ready for the day until the middle of the afternoon. As a result, I don’t study much before going to work (if I even get the motivation to study at all).

I didn’t get a chance to study today. By the time I was ready to go study for a couple hours before work, a friend unexpectedly dropped by to play video games. While it was fun to hang out (I don’t see many people these days), I’m wasting a lot of valuable time.

The next actuarial exam is in May, so I technically have a few months to study, but I keep getting surprised by how fast time is flying these days. How is it the middle of January already? While I’ve heard the next exam is easier than the first, I can’t underestimate it.

Today was my sixth consecutive day of work, and I have the next three days off. I already know my friends want to hang out this weekend (I rarely get the weekend off), but I’m feeling pretty guilty about not studying enough. My problem with time management is really frustrating me. I really want to make good on my New Year’s resolution.

Just A Matter Of Time

I had lunch with some friends today. They all seem to think that I’m going to get a great actuary job soon and that I’ll be making more money than any one of them. I don’t have that much faith in myself. There’s a lot that I need to do and learn before I can make it anywhere in the actuary profession. I’m not even sure if I have what it takes to do it all. The amount of work and studying required is incredibly daunting.

There are days when I feel like it’s just a matter of time before things fall into place and I get my dream job, making enough money to sustain myself and my future hypothetical child. Then there are days when I feel like I will never get my act in gear and I will end up living with my parents while working at Target for the rest of my life. I’m really afraid that I will take the path of least resistance and stick with whatever is easiest. The actuary profession is certainly one of the paths of most resistance. Only time will tell which path I choose.

While life is happening, nothing moves quickly enough. I want to be out of my rut, in a secure job, living on my own, and buy whatever I want (within reason). One year from now, all of that will hopefully be true, but I can’t wait for it to happen. I’m sure, though, that one year from now I will be wishing that my days were more like they are now and wishing things didn’t move so quickly. Time is really frustrating sometimes.

I do feel like I’m moving forward though, no matter how slowly. After trying to do some Christmas shopping (it’s really difficult when I don’t really know my relatives all that well), I went to Borders and worked on my cover letters, one for actuary jobs and one for teaching. I really do get more work done when I leave the house. I plan on polishing the cover letters tonight. Hopefully I can get some friends to look them over soon so I can send off applications early next week.

It’s Only Been Four Months

The whole plane flight felt surreal. But once I got off the plane and was walking toward customs, I started smiling to myself because I was so excited. I couldn’t believe I was back.

I never realized how much I missed this city and how much I missed Canada. I could almost taste Tim Hortons coffee today when I saw the logo while walking through the airport. I’m totally going to Tim Hortons while I’m here.

On the cab ride to my friend’s apartment (where I’m staying), the city was overcast and rainy, but it looked peaceful and beautiful to me. While I lived here, a day like this would have just seemed dreary and depressing. It’s amazing what time away can do for perspective.

Seeing some of the places around where I used to live, not much has changed. I guess I only left four months ago. Four months seems like an eternity when I’m gone, but now that I’m back it feels like nothing.

Bad Timing

The way things are going, my first date/meeting with my online dating guy is less than a week away. The closer I get to meeting my online dating guy, the more I think about how I’m going to explain the situation to my parents. Should I hide the fact that I’m going to go on a date with a boy, or should I tell them the truth?

The other problem is that I only have a little more than a month (including a ten day trip/vacation) until my actuarial exam, so it’s hard to justify any kind of distraction from studying. I was trying to study today, but I couldn’t concentrate. My excitement for my date is coupled with the stress of coming out, and that combination is very distracting.

My dad tells me (often) how worried he is about my exam. I took most of this last week off to recover from my wisdom teeth extraction, so I really should be spending every extra minute studying. I’m already freaking out about the exam; my dad just adds to the pressure.

This time before my exam is crucial. I shouldn’t be thinking about boys (one particular boy). And yet, I can’t help what I feel.

Mini Mr. Coffee

I can’t believe it’s Friday. The joy of Fridays is lost on me. Because of my constant studying and my lack of a job, I lose track of time. Once I realize it’s Friday, I get worried because another week has gone by and I feel like I haven’t learned anything. It’s already October 12th, and my exam is on December 1st. I hope I’m prepared by then, because I really don’t feel ready now. I do tend to overreact when I’m stressed though, so who knows.

I did my typical Starbucks/gym routine today. Nothing too exciting there. My parents and I went to Hometown Buffet for dinner. We had these great coupons for 50% off, but the Hometown Buffet near us doesn’t accept them anymore, even though there’s no expiration date! What a gyp! We ended up paying full price ($10.99 per person). I love going to Hometown Buffet, but we haven’t gone in a long time. It’s not the highest quality food, but the variety is great. Considering I’m trying to lose weight, I didn’t stuff myself the way I did when I was “fat.” I limited myself on the desserts. I only got one small square of Oreo cheesecake, and I didn’t even finish it. A few years ago, I would get four or five desserts and devour them without a second thought. Even still, I’m probably going to go to the gym this weekend or work out extra hard on Monday.

After dinner, we walked around Wal-Mart to work off some of the meal we just ate. I ended up buying the cute programmable 4-cup coffee maker from Mr. Coffee that I was researching a few days ago. It’s really cute! It’s a miniature version of the 12-cup coffee makers. If the 12-cup coffee makers were Dr. Evil, this one would be Mini Me. I’m going to make my first programmed cup of coffee tomorrow morning! It’s amazing how excited I can get from a coffee maker!