My Own Two Feet

After a few days with my friends in Las Vegas, talking to them and thinking about my future, I decided to accept the accounting position. While the end decision seems like the obvious choice, I didn’t make the choice easily.

Before I revealed my final decision, I had a talk with the operations manager (who will be my supervisor). She told me the initial salary, which, as I expected, is a substantial pay cut. But there is room to grow. Beyond the starting job description, I can take on more roles within the accounting department and maybe eventually manage the whole department so that the operations manager can focus on her myriad of other responsibilities. Even further than that, I could end up as the controller, controlling all the finances for the company. If I end up liking accounting and deciding to pursue it outside of my company, the growth potential is even greater.

When I told my boss my decision, he didn’t seem surprised or upset. I think he already knew what I would choose; he knows me pretty well. From here, he’s going to talk to the operations manager to see when exactly the transition will happen. He’s hoping to find a replacement for me before I make the move, but the operations manager is pretty anxious for someone to help her handle her accounting responsibilities (she really has too many things to do).

All the friends to whom I’ve talked to about this (including a few coworker friends) thought that changing to accounting was a good idea. I guess I made it well known that I wasn’t too happy with my sales job. However, when I told my parents over dinner, they seemed shocked that I would make such a decision. Because I’m “lucky” and “do well at sales,” they thought I should stay in sales because of the potential financial returns. My mom was especially upset by my low starting salary, exclaiming that with my master’s degree, the amount was absurd (I’m paraphrasing, but it’s an equivalent sentiment). I had to explain all my reasoning to them, but I still don’t think I convinced them.

In many ways, this change is important for me. Not only does this mean I get to leave sales behind, but I also feel like I’m standing on my own two feet. The fact that I made this decision based on what I think is best, knowing full well that my parents thought otherwise, is a big step for me. Even though I’ll be making less money for a while, I think I made the right choice.

An Opening

Work today was business as usual, until my daily after-work meeting with my boss. After we finished discussing our regular topics, my boss told me that there is an opening in our accounting department and that I can take the job if I want it. Even though my boss prefers that I stay in sales, and he says I’m doing a good job, he also knows that I’m constantly stressed and frustrated by sales. He’s willing to let me go if accounting is what I would rather do.

The funny thing is, I had asked my boss multiple times over the last few months whether there was an opening in accounting. He always said no, and even if there was, he wouldn’t let me go (he relies on me, he thinks I can do well in sales, etc.). I always wanted to move to accounting (I think I’m better suited for it), but now that I have the opportunity, I don’t know if I want to take it.

The main (and possibly most important) reason I’m hesitant is the money. Since my pay structure is currently based on commission, my pay will almost certainly go down if I move to accounting. The pay is fixed, so there is no “unlimited potential” the way there is in sales. When I do my current job, I try not to think about money and how much I’m going to make in commission. But when there’s a chance that I won’t get as much money anymore, I have to really take it into consideration. After all, how am I going to live on my own and be financially indepedent (from my parents) if I don’t make enough to do so?

On the other hand, it sounds like the accounting department really needs someone who is technical, detail oriented, and reliable. All the managers think that I would do very well at the accounting job (it’s more like basic accounting/bookeeping than actual CPA type of accounting, so they’re also afraid I’ll end up being bored too). The operations manager (who supervises the accounting department right now) has been looking for a qualified person to fill the position for a while now, but she hasn’t found anyone suitable. I suppose that’s why they’re offering me the job.

In thinking about the best interest of the company, I think I should take the accounting offer. I think I have the skills to really help out my company and fix the problems with our accounting department. I also think that stepping down from sales will give someone more qualified for sales to take my place, thereby also benefitting the company from the sales department perspective as well. However, is doing what’s best for the company what’s best for me?

In A Rut

I’m in a rut. I keep thinking about how my current job is temporary and how I can’t possibly see myself doing it long term, yet I don’t do anything to get out of my situation. I drag myself to work every morning (some days, like Mondays, are worse than others) and somehow make it through the day, trying not to make a wrong move and have my friend/boss get mad at me. Then I go home, sit in front of my computer, and try to relax, usually watching episodes from a funny TV show on my computer (currently it’s Arrested Development).

I know I should be more proactive, but I’m always so drained at the end of the day. All I want to do after work is veg out. I really don’t know how people with actual lives (and relationships and kids) handle it all. Where does all their energy come from?

I was talking to my mom last night about this. She told me how my dad had put himself through graduate school, working full time during the day and going to school full time at night. He would sometimes (often) get his night’s rest by sleeping in a chair for a couple hours. My dad’s energy and discipline to work and study stemmed from the necessity for him to work and study. He had no support from his parents or his many (many) siblings, so he had to support himself and make it through.

I’ve been really lucky to be able to move back home after graduate school and have any financial support that my parents can offer. I try to pay for certain things with my own income, but my parents would prefer that I save as much as I can while I’m not paying rent. But maybe my luck is part of the reason as to why it’s so difficult to discipline myself to do anything productive.

I think I’m still waiting for an opportunity to fall in my lap so I can just take it, even though I know it doesn’t work that way. I have to break out of my routine of wasting time after work. Something needs to change. If I don’t, nothing will.

Possible Internship

Work has been really stressful all week. Every week feels more stressful than the last. I sometimes wonder if all jobs are meant to be this stressful. I get the impression that my friend/boss wants me to think that if I can’t master my sales job then I can’t master any (meaningful) job. It makes sense when he says it in his own way (a sign of a salesman), but I don’t know how much it’s true.

Meanwhile, my friend in the actuary field asked me today (by email) if I would be open to an actuarial internship in Portland. Not wanting to limit my opportunities, I said I wasn’t against it. Apparently, my friend has been talking about me to a manager at his company, and this manager seems interested in possibly taking me on as an intern in their Portland branch (my friend is in Seattle). Of course, if I do a good job, I would be hired to a salaried position.

My friend said he’d know more in a couple weeks. Wouldn’t it be great if I got an internship at his company? I don’t want to get my hopes up, but I really hope something comes out of this opportunity!

Not A Manager

I’ve been at my current job for three months now. In the beginning, it seemed like every day was a new opportunity for me not only to learn how to perform the tasks for my job but also to grow as a person. My friend/boss would always try to find ways to help me grow as much as possible. Lately, though, I feel like I’ve settled into a routine that doesn’t let me grow as much.

Not only that, but I’m constantly (or at least it feels like it) reminded that I’m not a manager. I only have access to the minimum amount of information that I need to do my job. If I ask for more responsibility or more information, my friend/boss asks why and says I don’t need it.

Sometimes, I’m okay with the way things are (for now). I’m not perfect at my job yet, so I guess I still need to get better at my job before I can ask for more. But other times, I feel like I’m not moving anywhere, and I’ve already hit the peak in terms of my advancement within the company.

Perhaps I’m jumping the gun a little bit. Maybe I shouldn’t expect to move up to a manager position in three months (even though my friend/boss did). But even if I am expecting too much, I’d at least like to feel like there’s the prospect of becoming a manager in the future.

Less Anxious Friday

This week went a lot better than I thought it would. First, my friend/boss was away on business for a couple days. Not feeling like he’s constantly watching over me relieved a lot of stress. Even after he returned, I haven’t been as anxious as I used to be. I’ve become more comfortable with my responsibilities, and I finally feel like I know what I’m doing (for the most part). I do still get a little anxious in the mornings, but it usually passes by lunchtime.

In other news, my friend in actuary said his company might be hiring in the next couple months, so he told me to send him my resume. It feels a little weird for me to be looking for a job while I’m still new at my current job, but I suppose I should be looking into opportunities whenever they come. After all, you can’t plan when life throws opportunities at you, right?

The biggest advice my friend in actuary gave me was to take the second exam in November rather than waiting until next year. With how much time and energy my job takes right now, I’m not sure if I will be prepared to take the exam by then (it’s early in the month this year). Even if I pass the exam, it will have been a year since I passed the first exam; I wonder how that looks to employers.

Anyway. I have more immediate things to deal with. I’m taking a weekend trip up to the Bay Area with my brother. Actually, he’s going to stay up there for most of the week, but I’m flying back on Sunday so I don’t miss any work. It should be fun, but I’m getting tired just thinking about it. Maybe I should plan my weekends to be less tiring than the work week.

A New Offer

Now that I’ve been at my new job for about two months, I’m fairly proficient at my assigned tasks. I’m currently still an assistant, though. I micromanage our accounts and do the grunt work for a lot of what my friend/boss needs. Recently, my friend/boss sat me down and told me that he has high hopes for me. He feels that I can do more than what I am doing. So today, he sat me down again and gave me a new offer.

Instead of being a sales assistant, I would be an actual salesperson. I would not only manage certain accounts we already have, but I would also bring in new accounts. I would have to cold call and build relationships with new companies so that they will sell our products. As an incentive, my salary would be reduced to the same hourly wage as what I had at Target, but I would receive commission based on the sales that my accounts do over the month.

My friend/boss knows that I go to work early and leave late. Since I don’t get paid overtime, he knows that I don’t do it for the money; I do it because I have a good work ethic and I always want to finish what needs to be done. As such, my friend/boss wants to be fair to me. His new incentives offer isn’t necessarily just a way to put pressure on me (though it undoubtedly will), but it’s also a way for me to be rewarded for the work that I do. Theoretically, the extra work that I do will be shown directly in the sales I draw and thus in the commission I receive.

In the end, this offer isn’t about the money. It’s about being a great learning experience and an opportunity to grow personally. My friend/boss obviously sees how self-conscious and nervous I am, which is exactly why he thinks this salesperson job will be great for me to overcome my self image and self-confidence issues.

I’m incredibly terrified to take on such a role. I really don’t know if I have what it takes to be successful at sales. I called my sister, who has been in sales for much of her adult life. She hated the idea of sales at first (she doesn’t necessarily like it now either, but that’s another story), but the more she did it, the easier it became. She sees the value in this opportunity as well. She told me how much her confidence level changed after being in sales.

I told her that I was afraid I would make mistakes and fail, and she said that now is the time for that. Mistakes and failure is how we learn. Because I don’t have very many responsibilities or obligations (like a house, a car, a family to support), now is the best time for me to make mistakes and figure out what I want to do. If I wait until I have a lot of responsibilities, I’ll be stuck in a dead end job wondering how I got there.

The last piece of advice my sister gave me was that even if I decide I’m not ready to be a salesperson right now, I shouldn’t shy away from it forever. She really does think that it helped her open up a lot. I guess we have a lot more in common than I thought.

I haven’t made a final decision yet, but I think I already know what I’ll decide. I don’t think I can do it, but that’s exactly why I should.

High Hopes

Most days after work, my friend/boss will sit me down and see how I’m doing. Sometimes it’s just a simple status report on what I’m working on, but sometimes, like today, it’s more of a developmental meeting.

My friend/boss has high hopes for me. He wants me to have more responsibilities, make more decisions, and move beyond my current capacity. He’s always looking for ways to help me grow and learn so that this job can be a valuable opportunity for me.

It’s great that my friend/boss has my best interests in mind, but I’m constantly afraid that I’m not going to do well at what he asks of me. I sometimes already feel overwhelmed by the work I do now, not because it’s difficult but because of the sheer amount that needs to be done. Having responsibilities which require deeper thinking will require even more time and energy, and I’m not sure if I can handle it.

Honestly, the biggest hindrance to my development is my confidence in myself. I often feel anxious and nervous when I think about the various things my friend/boss wants me to do, but I know that I would regret declining the chance.

Even though I’m incredibly hesitant to move forward (being comfortable where I am is safe), I’m still choosing to take on more responsibilities. I know this will be good for me in the long run.

Maybe It’s Time

At some point, I have to stop being scared of life. Stop being scared to take risks. Stop feeling sorry for myself.

My friend/boss is presenting me with opportunities to move up in the company, and I’m still reluctant to take on more responsibilities. But maybe it’s finally time to put my reservations aside and rise to the challenge, rather than always backing away.

How does someone change one’s self image? How does someone become more confident? All of the reasons why I’m resisting moving forward are in my head (I’m pretty sure).

Maybe it’s time to do something that’s good for me, despite myself.

A Stepping Stone

I really didn’t sleep very well last night. My brain wouldn’t turn off, so I felt like I had some amount of consciousness all night. I think I was really anxious about the possible sudden opportunity for which I was having an interview today.

I first met with my friend. He sat me down and explained his current needs and what he would want me to do, even though it would only be to get me familiarized with the company. I would basically be working directly under him, micromanaging certain accounts for him so that he doesn’t have to worry about the details.

My friend is very professional at work. He’s the only one (besides his boss) who wears a suit (without a tie, i.e. “business casual”). Everyone else wears something that ranges from jeans and a T-shirt to a button down shirt with dark khakis. He also puts his entire being into his work, often staying three or four hours later than everyone else. He works incredibly hard, but he’s also the sales and marketing manager after only working there a few months. I think I can learn a lot from him.

Outside of work, my friend has always been seemingly more confident and comfortable with himself. He’s almost the complete opposite of me. He knows exactly where he wants to go professionally, he has a steady boyfriend, and he’s totally sure of himself. Because he is so different from me, I think I can also learn a lot about myself from reconnecting with him.

On a complete sidenote, my friend unfortunately still remembers a lot of the embarrassing and awkward things I used to do and say when I was a teenager struggling with being gay. He remembers the conversation we had when I said I was “asexual” rather than defining myself as gay or straight. I think I’m less awkward now, but I can still get pretty awkward around gay boys (I’ve mentioned this before). Hopefully my friend can teach me to be less awkward too.

Anyway, after about an hour of talking to my friend, he took me to see his boss. His boss’s office is a huge mess, but his boss is also incredibly wise and smart. His boss has a Ph.D. in physics and asked me a lot of philosophical questions about life and time. If you were wondering, “time is the most important parameter of all,” whether you’re talking about life or physics. His argument for it was very wise (and funny).

The interview with my friend’s boss wasn’t anything like my Target interviews, probably because my friend already wanted to hire me. A lot of the questions were about math and why I liked it. He also asked what I wanted in life ten years from now. My friend’s boss talked about the circle of life, and how his role now was to help smart young people (like me) get started in their careers. I could definitely see that I could learn a lot from him, too.

I basically had a job from the moment I walked into the building. The difficult part is that they don’t even know what job they want to give me (I don’t think there was really a position open), and the reason for that is because I don’t know what I can do or want to do. My friend knows that I’m (vaguely) studying for the actuary exams, so it’s also hard to say how long I would stay with his company.

My friend and his boss are willing to offer me 1.5 times what I make at Target (so still not that much), but it’s because I would be starting as my friend’s assistant until I can figure out what my strengths are and what position within the company I can really excel at. Once I have figured those things out, then we can renegotiate my deal and move to a different position. I haven’t found out about benefits yet, but I assume there will be some.

In the end, the skills and experience I can gain from this computer company would be more useful and applicable to a professional career than the skills I’m gaining at Target. What’s interesting is that my friend and his boss know that this job is just a stepping stone. I can use the skills I gain from their company to get an even better job down the line that is better suited to what I can do and what I want (whatever that is).

I guess this means I’m giving my two weeks notice to Target tomorrow. Because I have some consecutive days off from Target next week, though, I might start working for my new company on Monday.

It’s going to be interesting leaving Target. I still love my job and all the people with whom I work, but there’s no future there. Meanwhile, this new job is being built by constantly thinking about the future. My future. It’s hard not to pass up such an opportunity.

Even still, I’m nervous. Whatever responsibilities they throw at me, they’re going to be challenging. They have high expectations because I’m “smart” (and I really don’t think I am). I feel like I haven’t used my brain (in an intellectual sense) in a very long time, so I hope I can get used to using it again.