Studious

School is consuming all of my time and energy. On weekdays, I carpool with my parents, so I get dropped off on campus at around 9am. After my classes are done for the day, I spend a few hours in the library until my parents pick me up around 6pm. When I get home, I continue to study and do homework until around 12 or 1am. Lather, rinse, and repeat.

My weekends are also filled with studying (though I do take a little time off every now and then). Even though my homework assignments are due on Fridays, I like to get a jump start on the next week’s assignments over the weekend so I don’t fall behind.

I was a pretty good student when I went to college the first time, but I don’t think I was this studious before. My outlook on life is different now, and my motivation has changed. I’ve been out in the “real world,” so I understand what’s at stake. I’m not in school just to get good grades or get a degree (I’m not getting one right now anyway); I’m in school to learn the material so I can use it in the future.

It helps that my statistics classes are specifically designed to be applied in the practical world. My professors often express how important and universal statistics is, and we often analyze real data that my professors have used in their work. I don’t know how much the other students appreciate this, but the connections to real life fascinate me, and I stay motivated to learn more.

I think this all means I grew up a lot over the last couple years and I didn’t even realize it. Being lost wasn’t a total loss.

My Own Two Feet

After a few days with my friends in Las Vegas, talking to them and thinking about my future, I decided to accept the accounting position. While the end decision seems like the obvious choice, I didn’t make the choice easily.

Before I revealed my final decision, I had a talk with the operations manager (who will be my supervisor). She told me the initial salary, which, as I expected, is a substantial pay cut. But there is room to grow. Beyond the starting job description, I can take on more roles within the accounting department and maybe eventually manage the whole department so that the operations manager can focus on her myriad of other responsibilities. Even further than that, I could end up as the controller, controlling all the finances for the company. If I end up liking accounting and deciding to pursue it outside of my company, the growth potential is even greater.

When I told my boss my decision, he didn’t seem surprised or upset. I think he already knew what I would choose; he knows me pretty well. From here, he’s going to talk to the operations manager to see when exactly the transition will happen. He’s hoping to find a replacement for me before I make the move, but the operations manager is pretty anxious for someone to help her handle her accounting responsibilities (she really has too many things to do).

All the friends to whom I’ve talked to about this (including a few coworker friends) thought that changing to accounting was a good idea. I guess I made it well known that I wasn’t too happy with my sales job. However, when I told my parents over dinner, they seemed shocked that I would make such a decision. Because I’m “lucky” and “do well at sales,” they thought I should stay in sales because of the potential financial returns. My mom was especially upset by my low starting salary, exclaiming that with my master’s degree, the amount was absurd (I’m paraphrasing, but it’s an equivalent sentiment). I had to explain all my reasoning to them, but I still don’t think I convinced them.

In many ways, this change is important for me. Not only does this mean I get to leave sales behind, but I also feel like I’m standing on my own two feet. The fact that I made this decision based on what I think is best, knowing full well that my parents thought otherwise, is a big step for me. Even though I’ll be making less money for a while, I think I made the right choice.

Helpless

I’m not sure if this post is disconnected or really conveys what I’m feeling. Still, I needed to type it.

One of my very best friends is my roommate from college. We lived on the same floor in the dorms my freshman year, and we ended up living together throughout the whole rest of my college career. After we graduated, we maintained contact, but being in different cities (even different countries for a while) makes it difficult to keep our old connection. Email just isn’t the same as face to face conversation.

A few years ago, not long after we graduated, my friend’s mom suddenly got a brain tumor. She fought long and hard dealing with surgery and lots of chemo. It was a scary time. Everything happened so quickly, and my friend really wasn’t ready to lose him mom (though, really, who’s ever ready for that). I tried to offer my support and my ear, but there was really nothing I could do.

Luckily, his mom made it through the ordeal with flying colors. She recovered quite well. Everything seemed fine until about a month ago. My friend’s mom fell in her backyard and broke her hip. After surgery and staying in the hospital for a long time, she returned home, but she still had pain in her leg. Moreover, she had lost a lot of use of the left side of her body. My friend and his dad had to take care of her basically 24 hours a day.

Just yesterday, my friend and his family received the news that my friend’s mom’s brain tumor had returned, only deeper into her brain, so deep in fact that previous treatment methods would be mostly ineffectual.

 It had actually been about nine months since I last emailed my friend until this week. I tried to restart communication between us, because I really don’t like going for so long without talking to my best friend (I hate the idea of growing apart). But it seems that I have bad timing. When my friend sent me the email telling me all of the recent developments with his mom, I was at a loss for words.

Obviously, there’s nothing I can do or say that can really make things better for my friend or his mom. I originally had wanted to catch up with him on how he’s doing, but it all seems so trivial now. I certainly can’t just shoot the breeze or talk about how I’ve been.

As his (former?) best friend, I want to be there for him and give him a great big hug. He lives about 8 or 9 (driving) hours away from me though, so it’s difficult to be there for him in person. The only thing I can do at this point is offer my thoughts and deepest sympathies to him and his family and let him know that I’m always there for him if he needs me.

Knowing that my friend is going through so much makes me feel terrible that I can’t do anything to help him. I really wish I could do more. I feel so helpless, though I’m sure my friend and his family feel even moreso.

I absolutely hate it when I grow apart from my friends, especially since we were best friends. But when this ordeal is eventually resolved, I feel like my friend will have had to grow up much more quickly than me. I’m not sure how things can ever be the same. Things are so rough for him and his family, I can’t even imagine.

This whole situation has been weighing on my mind all day today. In the end, all the stress I have about sales, my financial situation, and my future are pretty unimportant in the grand scheme of things. The things that truly matter in life are your friends and family.

Growing Apart From Target

Working at Target today felt different. Now that I only work once a week, I miss a lot of what happens in the store when I’m not working. There are new interns training to be executives, and we’ve hired a few new people, but I haven’t met or been introduced to any of them.

One of the big reasons why I like working at Target so much is because I really feel like I’m part of a team. Lately, though, my team is changing, and it’s changing without me.

It’s like when you go away for college and all your high school friends stay behind and hang out together. They all grow up together, and when you come back, everything feels both familiar and completely different. You change and grow up, too, but in your own way.

It’s not a bad thing, of course. It’s just not the same as it was.

Practical Shopping

I got to work a little early today so I did a little shopping at Target. I’ve been noticing lately that I’m not very compelled to buy things as much anymore. I used to shop for video games, toys, and stationery (you’ve got to love office supplies), but they all don’t seem to have the same appeal that they used to. I walk past the departments, see cute things, and move on.

Part of it might be that I just don’t have the time or motivation to play with toys or video games that much anymore. I’ve bought many video games that I’ve half finished and even some that are still in their original shrink wrap. My Wii and Playstation 3 are mostly just collecting dust until I have friends over who want to play with them.

As for office supplies, I don’t have much use for fancy pens or cute journals at the moment. I do like the idea of using a pencil-and-paper journal to write down my thoughts, but I never feel motivated to write anything after typing in this blog. Since I constantly lose my pens at work, there’s no point in buying nice pens to use there.

Maybe now that I’m making money (as little as it is), I understand better that I can’t just waste money on things I never end up using just because they’re pretty or shiny.

Oh yeah, and I haven’t been buying any new clothes either. Since I don’t know how long I’m going to stay skinny, I don’t know if I should be buying clothes that fit my current size. I also have too many clothes in my closet as it is, though I only rotate three or four shirts on my days off anyway.

I hate that I’m becoming so practical (financially responsible?). It makes shopping less fun.

The Adolescence of Breakfast

I just ate a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and then brewed my morning coffee.

Interesting juxtaposition, isn’t it?

 

I Didn’t Rinse Long Enough

My bathroom has two sinks (I share my room with my brother, when he’s home). Since my parents’ sink in their bathroom isn’t working properly, they brush their teeth in my bathroom. We usually brush our teeth at different times, but tonight my mom and I were brushing our teeth around the same time.

After I used my mouthwash, my mom commented that I didn’t rinse for the full 60 seconds that the bottle of mouthwash recommends. I was pretty surprised that she would make a comment like that. First of all, I’m 25. I know how to take care of my own teeth. I don’t need my mom to time me when I brush my teeth or rinse my mouth with mouthwash.

Second, there’s no clock in my bathroom. How does she know exactly how long a minute is? I estimate the time myself, and my teeth are in really good shape. I don’t see how I’m going to ruin my teeth because I rinsed my mouth for 45 seconds instead of a full minute.

This isn’t a big deal at all, but I thought the comment was absurd. It’s instances like this that make me feel like a kid, stunted from growing up (and not in the good way, like Peter Pan). I really shouldn’t be living at home anymore.

Stuck As A Child

I’m thinking about quitting my job at Target. The whole time I was working last night, I kept thinking about how I’m stuck in a rut. I’m waiting for something to happen, but there isn’t anything to wait for.

As much fun as my job is, I can’t let it hold me back. I’m not focused on my studying, my social life is nonexistent, and I’m not actively searching for “real” jobs. I like the money I’m getting, but it’s only useful for small luxuries, not for paying bills. I’m want to live on my own again, and I need a (much) better paying job for that.

I should leave Target, but I’m also scared of moving forward. Living at home with a menial job is safe but ultimately keeping me away from becoming an adult. I definitely won’t feel like I’m “all grown up” until I can stand on my own two feet.

I felt like an adult when I lived on my own in college and graduate school, but it was all an illusion. That life was temporary, and my parents paid for a lot of my expenses. I couldn’t stay in school forever (unless I teach, haha).

I know I need to make the jump from child to adult soon, but it’s still absolutely terrifying.

Molten Chocolate Cake

I went to Chili’s (“I want my baby back ribs”) tonight with my parents. I used to go all the time in college, and my parents had never been there before, so I wanted to take them.

My parents weren’t so impressed with the ribs (my mom thought the habanero sauce on the ribs wasn’t hot at all), but I got to eat one of my favorite desserts, the molten chocolate cake. I used to get the molten chocolate cake every single time I went to Chili’s, probably one reason why I was 30+ pounds heavier in college.

While the molten chocolate cake was as amazing as ever, I don’t know if I would get it again for a while. I can’t help but think about the insane amount of sugar and number of calories in it. Even though I don’t have to worry about my weight, eating food at that level of unhealthiness just isn’t appealing anymore.

It’s sad, really. Consuming mass amounts of unhealthy food seems like something people do (and are proud of) when they’re younger, or at least it was true for me. Now that I’m getting older (mid-twenties!), I can’t throw caution to the wind and eat whatever I want anymore.

I’ve been 25 for a few months already, yet I’m just starting to realize how incredibly old I feel. The fact that I’m older than most of my fellow team members at Target doesn’t help.

Being Practical

I tutored my cousin today. It was pretty fun to explain some of the math that I’ve been learning these last couple months. Explaining math always makes me wonder if becoming an actuary is really for me, or if my heart is really in teaching.

I like teaching a lot. Getting to know my students and seeing them progress is very rewarding. When I taught a couple calculus classes in graduate school, I often spent more time preparing for teaching my class than I spent working on my own research. I’m pretty good at teaching too; my students gave me flattering evaluations.

After I finished my masters, I starting thinking about what’s most practical rather than what’s perhaps most fulfilling. Becoming an actuary is the most financially rewarding way to utilize my advanced math training (besides cheating at gambling or something). While teaching is great, I would make half the money that an actuary makes, probably less. If I want a chance at being financially secure and be able to provide for my eventual child (and maybe my parents in their old age), shouldn’t I choose a profession that will help me achieve those goals?

The actuary field is interesting too. Learning about how to use the math behind insurance and risk management has been really fun. Unfortunately, the road to becoming an actuary is very difficult and insanely competitive. This first exam for which I’m preparing is already pretty tough, but the rest of the exams are just as difficult, if not more so. I don’t know if I have what it takes to make it.

As I get older, I’m starting to think more like an adult. That is, I’m starting to consider long-term goals and thinking about what I need over what I want. It’s weird, realizing I’m not a kid anymore. Are being practical and being happy mutually exclusive?

No matter what, I have to just give it my all and study for my upcoming actuarial exam. After the exam, I can decide whether becoming an actuary is right for me. If I think too much about it now, I will screw up my chances of passing the exam and the decision will be made for me.

Oh, and speaking about my cousin, I tried not to say too much when she mentioned that Dumbledore is gay. It seemed like she didn’t think it made a big difference (which it really doesn’t). I wonder if she would think the same way if she knew I’m gay. Even if she would, I still won’t tell her for a while anyway, knowing how gossip spreads in my family.