I attended my grandfather’s 90th birthday dinner party on Saturday. All my aunts, uncles, and cousins (on my mom’s side) were there. Some of my relatives flew in from Taiwan specifically for the celebration. We booked a room at a nice Chinese restaurant and split our party across four large tables.

I sat at the “kids’ table” with all of my cousins. I’m considered one of the older cousins; most of them are either in high school or college. At some point during the dinner conversations, the topic of gay people came up (I really don’t know how that discussion started, I certainly didn’t initiate it). During discussions about gay people, I generally stay quiet and listen closely to what people say to gauge their comfortability with the topic. This was no exception.

One of my cousins asked the table if anyone was anti-gay. I didn’t hear anyone say they were. Then my sister said she wasn’t anti-gay, but “they should at least tell their family.” I felt my face immediately become flushed. She knows.

I never came out to my extended family, not even to my sister. There were so many times over the years when I desperately wanted to tell her but I never could bring myself to actually do it (I wrote a post about this almost two years ago). But after my sister made the comment on Saturday, I obsessed about it for the rest of the weekend. The time to tell her finally had come. I couldn’t wait to tell her the next time I saw her, and there was no way I would have the courage to call her on the phone. I had to send an email.

Yesterday morning, after two days of convincing myself that it was time, I wrote the email. I used the subject title “Here Goes Nothing.”

Hi (sister’s name),

I was always waiting for the perfect opportunity to tell you, but I don’t think such a moment exists for this, so here it goes: I’m gay.

After the brief discussion among the cousins about gay people and Prop 8 on Saturday, you said something (I forget the exact words) that made me feel like you already knew, but you wanted me to tell you. I guess I’m pretty obvious in a lot of ways.

I’m really sorry I never told you sooner. There were probably lots of times to tell you, but I always chickened out. Even now, my hands are frozen cold and I can’t think of what to write, but I’ve been dying to tell you. I’m sorry if an email feels impersonal, but I didn’t want to wait until the next time we see each other.

I told (brother’s name) a long time ago, but we haven’t really talked about it since. I wasn’t really ready to tell him when I did. I told (our mom) and (our dad) over the phone once, but they didn’t believe me; they said I was too young to know and I haven’t met the right girl. They act like it never happened. I brought it up again with (our dad) after discussing Prop 8 with him last October, but he’s definitely against gay marriage and against me marrying a man. He acts like that never happened either.

Obviously, I’m still the same (normalboy) you’ve always known, I’m just confirming what you already know. I’ve always wanted to be a closer brother to you; I hope this will help.

I need to press send before I chicken out again.

Love,
(normalboy)

I was freaking out both before and after I sent the email. I couldn’t relax until I heard back from my sister. I had already mustered the courage to tell her by email, so I decided to call her on my lunch break.

My sister hadn’t checked her email when I called her; she actually opened it while I was on the line. Right after she saw the key words, she said how incredibly happy she was that I told her. She was actually crying. She is “100% supportive” and reassured me that she was available to talk about anything, no matter what. I was so relieved that I couldn’t stop smiling.

She said that she had suspected for a while but never got the nerve to ask, fearing that she would offend me. I felt bad that I had waited so long to tell her, but she was just very glad that I had told my friends already. She didn’t want me to feel alone in my struggles.

I’ve always been afraid to come out to people who have known me since childhood (I assume their image of me is still of an innocent kid when sexuality wasn’t an issue), yet I came out to two close people in one week! I wonder when I started being so bold?

I have the best sister ever!

This has been one of the best weeks I’ve had in a very long time. Ever since my best friend from elementary school emailed me Monday morning, I’ve been in a good mood. Every time I talk to him online (every day this week!) or even see his name in my email, I smile. I still can’t believe it.

I came out to him yesterday morning, over Yahoo! Messenger. We had gotten on the topic of family and kids, so I thought it wasn’t a far stretch to tell him that “I’m not straight” (I still don’t like saying “I’m gay”). He wasn’t really surprised (no one ever is, it seems).

I told him that I was afraid to tell him because I didn’t know how he’d react. Because we knew each other when we were kids, sexuality was never an issue back then. But my friend said that even now my being gay is still not an issue.

It was a great response. I feel comfortable talking to him about anything. I was initially afraid that we would basically be strangers after growing up separately for the last 15 years, but it almost feels like we haven’t lost any time at all.

I spent a good portion of the morning talking to my long lost best friend from elementary school on Yahoo! Messenger (the one embedded in the email). It was absolutely surreal and amazing to catch up with him.

His life experiences are quite different from mine. He has traveled to many different countries and broken out of a conventional 9-to-5 working lifestyle. He’s doing what he loves and doesn’t worry about where life takes him.

I envy him in many ways, but he said that it’s all about perspective. Even though I envy his worldly travels and somewhat flexible schedule, he admires my educational background and (current) financial stability. I think there’s a lot I can learn from him.

I love that we turned out so differently yet can still connect the way good friends do, even though it’s been 15 years since I’ve seen him. It was surprisingly easy. We chatted on Yahoo! Messenger for over two hours already, but we decided we will talk over Skype tonight too (although I really hate webcams).

The dating/relationship issue hasn’t come up yet, so I still haven’t told him that I’m gay. He’ll probably be okay with it, but it’s always weird to tell childhood friends, especially after so many years with no contact. I would prefer to tell him through instant messaging (because I’m a chicken), but I have a feeling it might come up during a videoconference.

I know telling him shouldn’t be a big deal, but it still feels like it is. The fear of coming out never seems to end.

There are some things in this world I hope I never have to deal with.

I’ve been following the blog called Debriefing The Boys for a long time (I referenced it almost two years ago). Every post he writes, whether it’s about coming out, dating, life, or even a book he recently read, is beautifully written. I wish I could write like him. Actually, his blog directly inspired me to start my own blog.

Unfortunately, as in life, not everything is happy. His most recent post, “The Worst Kind of News,” is about how he may or may not have been infected with HIV.

Thinking you might have HIV is a terrifying life-changing experience, no matter the outcome. Waiting for the test results must be one of the worst feelings in the world. I can’t imagine what Matt (the author) is going through.

I’ve heard stories and seen Queer As Folk, but I’ve always managed to stay somewhat sheltered from the threat of HIV; it has always been more of an abstract concept than a real risk. I have no idea how I would react to such news. I can barely even comprehend someone I know possibly getting HIV (and I only know Matt through the internet).

As a gay guy, I have a high risk of contracting HIV (or at least I would be if I was out dating or meeting other gay guys). I’m educated enough to know that HIV is “not a death sentence” (anymore) and it’s “not the end of the world,” but it can still change everything. I honestly don’t know what I would do. I hope I never have to find out.

My thoughts are with you, Matt. I hope for the best. Know that you have an entire online community who will support you no matter what.

A small rant: Why is it that just because I think all the guys in Star Trek are cute/hot means that’s the only reason why I liked the movie and why I want to see it again? I hate that assumption.

I’ve actually had to defend myself on this point before. Back during the boy band craze in the ’90s, I really liked (and still do like) the songs from Backstreet Boys, ‘N Sync, etc. Westlife is still one of my favorite groups. Yes, I admit to liking boy bands. But no matter how hard I try to convince otherwise, people always assume that I only like boy bands because I think the guys are cute. As if it’s unfathomable to actually like the music that boy bands produce.

Yes, I’m gay. Yes, I think the guys in movies are cute, but watching eye candy only goes so far. If a movie has a terrible story or bad acting, I wouldn’t be willing to spend my hard earned cash on watching it multiple times, even if it has a really hot guy in it. I can be shallow when I want to be, but I’m not that shallow.

Anyway, this rant has been brewing in my head for a couple days ever since I had a conversation with a friend about wanting to see Star Trek again. Honestly, I don’t have the intense urge to see a movie in theatres multiple times very often. The last time I had such an urge was back in 2003 for my favorite movie, The Return of the King. I watched it six times in theatres. That’s 21 hours of epic awesomeness.

I don’t think I’m willing to spend the money to see Star Trek quite so times in theatres (though I’m definitely buying it on Blu-ray when it comes out), but the fact that I’m even comparing it to The Return of the King at all shows how much I liked it. I hate when people think I’m so superficial that I would only like a movie because of the actors. I don’t deny that I think Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto, Anton Yelchin, and John Cho are all very good looking. But the triumph and tragedy in the story are what keep playing back in my head, not the faces of cute/hot actors.

Tomorrow is the eight year anniversary of the day I first came out. Usually on the day, my energy is just a little higher, I smile to myself a little more, and I try to celebrate in some small way. My uncle’s annual gathering to remember his late wife (my aunt) coincides with my anniversary this year, so I won’t be able to do anything particularly fun or gay tomorrow. Thus, I decided to have my small celebration today.

Continuing a tradition I started last year, I bought the very pink (very gay) venti passion tea lemonade (unsweetened of course) from Starbucks during my lunch hour. I only told two work friends about my anniversary: the (girl) friend I go to lunch with every day and my work crush. It was important for me to tell my two closest friends at work about it. They both were happy for me.

My lunch friend convinced me to spoil myself a little bit because it’s my anniversary, so I finally gave in and bought myself a Starbucks Gold card. For those outside the US, the Starbucks Gold card gives 10% off of all drinks and (regularly priced) merchandise. I’d been wanting one ever since they were first introduced late last year, but I felt I could never justify the $25 annual fee. I’m going to keep a log of how much I save by using this card, and we’ll see if it’s actually worth it. But in the meantime, I love getting new cards. I feel special.

I was in my car driving on the freeway on my way to work. That is what I was doing when I listened to President Barack Obama’s inaugurational oath and speech. I think this is one of those moments that I’ll always remember where I was and what I was doing when it happened, like September 11th (except happier).

On a typical day, I would have already been at work well before 9am and had no access to a TV or radio. But today, I had to run an errand for my company in which I had to drop off a government document to an LA Superior Courthouse, the closest one being 1.5 hours away from my office. I woke up an hour early so I could get to the courthouse when it opened (8:30am).

My timing was perfect. I finished my business and got back to my car just a few minutes before 9am. Since my trip to my office would take 1.5 hours, I got to listen to President Obama’s entire oath and speech as it happened (with perhaps a few seconds delay due to possible radio broadcasting delays).

A few times throughout President Obama’s speech, I felt a tingly feeling wash over me. I knew that this was an incredibly important moment in history. There were many things President Obama said during his speech that spoke to me, but one phrase in particular stood out to me:

We remain a young nation, but in the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things. The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness.

Right after he said that, I felt like he was talking to all the gay people and all those who voted yes to banning equal rights for gays. Doesn’t everyone deserve a chance to be happy?

Anyway. I can feel the hope and change in the air. I’m really glad I got to hear the speech today. I got home really late from work (like 11:30pm), so I’ll probably try to watch the inauguration on YouTube or my DVR tomorrow to get the visual effect too.

I went out with a couple of (girl) friends from work to West Hollywood on Saturday. One of my friends has been trying for weeks to get me to go out to meet guys, partly so I can get over my (straight) work crush.

Even though it’s been nearly eight years since I first came out, I still felt incredibly awkward and out of place in the gay club/bar environment. I basically freeze up; I don’t know what to do or say. I become a wallflower.

Part of my awkwardness might come from the fact that a loud club/bar really isn’t my scene. A larger part, though, is that I still don’t really feel comfortable being around gay people, which probably stems from still not accepting who I am (almost eight years after coming out).

On a day to day basis, I’m completely fine. I feel like a normal boy, and I don’t see my being gay as an issue. But when I’m put in a situation where my being gay is called to attention, I get shy and down on myself. I know that it’s okay to be gay, but I still don’t feel that way sometimes. I feel like it makes me “different.”

I was still feeling pretty down about it yesterday, so I sat down with my work crush during dinner (it was in the office this time, but still just the two of us) and told him about my weekend and how I felt about it. He thinks that I need to find more gay friends and eventually make a network of gay friends. As much as he tries to relate to how I feel, he can’t because he’s straight. He also thinks it’s important that I put myself out where others will see me, and maybe they’ll approach me instead of the other way around.

Anyway. After having talked about it with my work crush, these thoughts aren’t churning in my head as much, so I’m better now. But I’m sure I’ll get these feelings again when I’m back in a similar situation.

Yesterday, I attended an all-day celebration for my uncle’s 70th birthday. The festivities included an all-you-can-eat brunch (with free champagne!) at a nice (American) restaurant on a hill overlooking the city and a traditional 12-course Chinese banquet for dinner. My uncle is known by his friends and family as a very kind and generous philanthropist, so it’s an honor to be related to him (though only by law, not blood).

During the brunch, I sat across from a Chinese woman and a Caucasian woman who were obviously a couple (I later found out that the Chinese woman is a close family friend of my uncle’s). I immediately became fascinated by them. I generally have an interest in getting to know and understanding other gay people, especially gay couples. This couple was particularly interesting to me because they were so comfortable at a (traditional) Chinese family function.

I waited until the end of brunch to approach the Caucasian woman and get to know her a little. The couple are in their 40s (I think), so I’m sure their experiences of coming out and dealing with tolerance/intolerance in society must be very different from my own. I only talked to her briefly (I didn’t get a chance to talk to her more during the evening), but I felt it was important for me to talk to her.

I may not have received any sage advice from the couple, but seeing them at an event like this gave me hope that perhaps one day I will be comfortable with myself enough to bring my eventual boyfriend (God willing) to meet my family too.

The election truly was historic. I made sure to come home from work before the polls closed so that I could watch the election coverage as the results unfolded. I watched as the electoral votes from California were announced and Senator Barack Obama became President-elect Barack Obama. I listened attentively as John McCain delivered a very moving and gracious concession speech, and I eagerly awaited Barack Obama’s victory speech.

As I listened to Barack Obama’s speech, I kept thinking about how far this country has come in terms of racial discrimination yet how much widespread and accepted discrimination of gays there still is. There were many moments during the election coverage last night when I heard African-Americans feeling like they are no longer “second-class citizens.” Unfortunately, there does still exist a second-class of citizens. And I am one of them.

Even before the results of Proposition 8 were confirmed, I already knew that California would fail me (as much as I hoped otherwise). The unyielding determination of so many Americans to hinder the freedoms of one class of people is so strong that the passing of Proposition 8, I feel, was inevitable. I wasn’t at all surprised that all the anti-gay ballot initiatives around the nation were passed. As much as I’m glad that Barack Obama is going to be our next president, his victory for me is overshadowed by the sadness that so many people still feel so threatened by the “gay lifestyle.”

America was built on the idea that everyone has unalienable rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. No law in America should be able to take those away. As Chief Justice Earl Warren wrote, in the Loving v. Virginia decision in 1967 to allow interracial marriage:

The freedom to marry has long been recognized as one of the vital personal rights essential to the orderly pursuit of happiness by free men.

How is it that over 40 years later, the freedom to marry is still a “vital personal right” that can not only be hindered but even be revoked?

In researching the Loving v. Virginia case, I found out that Mildred Loving gave a public statement on June 12, 2007, the 40th anniversary of that momentous court case. Here is the conclusion:

My generation was bitterly divided over something that should have been so clear and right. The majority believed that what the judge said, that it was God’s plan to keep people apart, and that government should discriminate against people in love. But I have lived long enough now to see big changes. The older generation’s fears and prejudices have given way, and today’s young people realize that if someone loves someone, they have a right to marry.

Surrounded as I am now by wonderful children and grandchildren, not a day goes by that I don’t think of Richard and our love, our right to marry, and how much it meant to me to have that freedom to marry the person precious to me, even if others thought he was the “wrong kind of person” for me to marry. I believe all Americans, no matter their race, no matter their sex, no matter their sexual orientation, should have that same freedom to marry. Government has no business imposing some people’s religious beliefs over others. Especially if it denies people’s civil rights.

I am still not a political person, but I am proud that Richard’s and my name is on a court case that can help reinforce the love, the commitment, the fairness, and the family that so many people, black or white, young or old, gay or straight seek in life. I support the freedom to marry for all. That’s what Loving, and loving, are all about.

You can find the PDF of her statement here.

I only hope that I don’t have to wait 40 years to see my freedom restored.