This Is It

Classes on Friday felt a little (very) overwhelming, maybe because I haven’t been in school for a couple years (and haven’t taken undergraduate classes for longer). Moreover, the classes were overfull, so it seemed unlikely that I would even be able to enroll (concurrent enrollment students are lowest priority because we’re not official university students). It wasn’t until the next day (yesterday) that one of the professors confirmed that I would be able to enroll in two of the three classes I’m trying to take.

You would think that being able to enroll in my courses is a good thing, but I’m ambivalent. On one hand, yes, I didn’t want to leave/quit my job without knowing for sure that I would be able to enroll immediately. On the other hand, I had to decide whether I wanted to finally leave the dead-end but easy and comfortable job I had for a path that is terrifyingly uncertain.

Needless to say, I’ve been agonizing over this all weekend. I’ve been wanting to leave my job for months, yet when the time came, I was hesitant. Honestly, I haven’t completely made up my mind on pursuing the long and arduous statistics path. But the only way I will know if this path is right for me is to try. If I continued to wait until I’m 100% sure of what I want to do, I’d never do anything. So my only option at this point is to just go for it. No looking back, no regrets.

Today, I finally summoned up the courage to tell my boss. I met her in the office (yes, on a Sunday) and basically told her that I was going back to school full-time, effective immediately. My boss reacted so much better than I was expecting. She was very understanding. The news was sudden, but she said school is very important; the company wouldn’t want to get in the way of that. We made small talk about school (how hard it would be to get back into it, but I should be fine because I’m still young), education, and how things have changed over the years (tuition, class sizes, etc.). We were chatting the way we were before our falling out back in April.

I’m going to go to the office on Tuesday to show my boss and the other accounting person how to do my job (it’s really not difficult). I won’t be able to stay the whole day because of a discussion section at school in the afternoon, but Tuesday might be my last day at the office. I told my boss I would still be available for questions or help later on, but we both agreed that going to school and working at the same time is very difficult.

When I told my friends at work, they were all very happy for me. My old boss/friend said he always knew I wasn’t going to stay, he was just waiting for me to make a move (he’s always one step ahead of me). My ex-work crush (or is it my work ex-crush? I guess now he’s my ex-work ex-crush!) is the only one from work with whom I was discussing this decision before any other coworkers, and he was always supportive. He told me to go for it with no hard feelings about leaving. At the end of the day, I have to do what’s best for the most important person in my life (which is me!).

I called up my big sister from work, and she was also very excited about my news. The sad thing is, she’s going to go back to working for our company indefinitely, starting tomorrow! We just missed each other! I’ve already scheduled to have lunch with her on Tuesday when I go to work one last time. We’ll probably have frozen yogurt.

So here I am, getting ready for bed before my first full week back in school. Everything is suddenly different. Everything has changed. I’m terrified on so many levels. But this is it. I’ve taken my life to this point, and there’s no going back now.

Statistics

It all started two years ago.

I had just earned my master’s degree in mathematics, and I was still figuring out what I wanted to do with my life. I spent three solid months studying for the first actuarial exam. Even though I passed the exam, I wasn’t really sure that the actuary path is what I wanted. I soon became sidetracked by Target (and eventually started working for my current company), so I dropped studying for the second exam.

Throughout college and graduate school, I shied away from studying applied math. I didn’t do applied math. I was a purist. It wasn’t until I studied for the first actuarial exam (on probability) that I discovered how interesting applied math could be.

Since then, I’ve noticed statistics (the discrete application of probability) arise in all sorts of situations, conversations, and problems. Nearly every industry has some need for statistics, so there definitely seems to be a demand for statisticians.

So this is the path, for now. I actually took the day off from work today to check out a local university to see if I can take certain undergraduate courses through their concurrent enrollment program. The classes seem to be (beyond) full, but there’s a chance I could get in if I go to the first day of classes and get approval from the course instructors. If I can take undergraduate prerequisites now, I should be able to apply to graduate school for admission in Fall 2010.

My decision to pursue this statistics path/idea was tentatively made less than a week ago, so I’m still wrapping my head around everything. I keep having pangs of fear and hesitation (like “I can’t believe I’m going back to school,” “what the heck am I doing,” and “do I even have what it takes to get a degree in statistics”), but the few friends I’ve told so far are supportive, which helps a lot.

The first day of classes is this Friday, so I’d have to take another day off from work (two days in one week). If everything goes well, I’m not sure if I can keep my job; I’d basically have to take off three days a week. Breaking the news to my boss and big boss will be difficult but ultimately necessary.

My Two Sisters

I spent the weekend with my sister in Irvine. We haven’t spent much time together since I came out to her, which is why I made it a point to go visit her by myself. As expected, my sister treated me no differently than she always has (which is good). Occasionally over the weekend, my sexuality was brought up, but it was never uncomfortable. She asked me about my recent dates and whether I’ve had my first kiss yet (a valid question, since I’ve never had a boyfriend), and we talked about how much we both like Paul Rudd and Bradley Cooper (and other cute/hot actors)! The weekend was great!

On a separate topic, my sister mentioned that she’s considering going to nursing school. She is currently in sales and hates her job, even more than I hate mine (from what I’ve heard, her boss is worse). She wants to go back to school because she wants a “career,” not just a “job.” My sister has her condo’s mortgage to pay, so quitting her job and going back to school full time (even for a few months) would definitely be a challenge, especially since she’s planning on either being a mom or mom-to-be in a year from now (she’s getting married in three months). Still, if nursing is the career she wants to pursue, I think she should go for it. It’s never too late.

Interestingly, my big sister from work had a similar conversation with me last week. She has decided to go to culinary school starting next month! She wanted to go ten years ago, but she took the safe route of holding onto a secure job with our company instead (which is what her mom wanted). Now that she doesn’t work for us (besides these three weeks she’s been back) and she doesn’t have the financial burdens from when she was younger (she lives with her lawyer boyfriend and has no kids), there’s no reason for her not to pursue her dream career.

Even though their situations are different, my two sisters (my real sister and my big sister from work) both hate their jobs and want to make bold changes in their careers. I’m about ten years younger than both of them (they are one year apart from each other), but I’m at a somewhat parallel stage in my life. I don’t want to work for ten years at a job I hate before ultimately deciding to make a change and do something that I should have done now. The time for change is coming.

A Real Risk

There are some things in this world I hope I never have to deal with.

I’ve been following the blog called Debriefing The Boys for a long time (I referenced it almost two years ago). Every post he writes, whether it’s about coming out, dating, life, or even a book he recently read, is beautifully written. I wish I could write like him. Actually, his blog directly inspired me to start my own blog.

Unfortunately, as in life, not everything is happy. His most recent post, “The Worst Kind of News,” is about how he may or may not have been infected with HIV.

Thinking you might have HIV is a terrifying life-changing experience, no matter the outcome. Waiting for the test results must be one of the worst feelings in the world. I can’t imagine what Matt (the author) is going through.

I’ve heard stories and seen Queer As Folk, but I’ve always managed to stay somewhat sheltered from the threat of HIV; it has always been more of an abstract concept than a real risk. I have no idea how I would react to such news. I can barely even comprehend someone I know possibly getting HIV (and I only know Matt through the internet).

As a gay guy, I have a high risk of contracting HIV (or at least I would be if I was out dating or meeting other gay guys). I’m educated enough to know that HIV is “not a death sentence” (anymore) and it’s “not the end of the world,” but it can still change everything. I honestly don’t know what I would do. I hope I never have to find out.

My thoughts are with you, Matt. I hope for the best. Know that you have an entire online community who will support you no matter what.

One Year Gone

A whole year has passed since I started working with my current company (the anniversary was yesterday, technically). I probably should be happier about it, but in many ways, I’m already planning my escape.

When things were good (and I felt important and competent), I deluded myself into thinking I possibly had a future with my company. After only a few months, I was given a lot of responsibilities (beyond my original position). All the managers trusted me and relied on me. I felt almost like a manager myself. I wanted to be a manager. I wanted to learn, and I was motivated to learn everything about everything.

Yet somehow it all fell away about a month ago. I admit I made mistakes (I always take responsibility for my mistakes, I hate passing blame), and the problems have all been resolved, but the work environment has irrevocably changed. My boss still doesn’t seem to trust me; she barely says two words to me unless it’s absolutely necessary. Without her trust, I no longer feel motivated to learn or even work.

As much as the situation sucks, it has given me an opportunity to take a step back and think about what I want out of my job and out of life. This job was always supposed to be a stepping stone to something better. Everything I’ve learned in the past year has given me the boost that I needed. Now it’s just a matter of finding my next step. To take that chance I’ve been considering.

I Want My Big Sister Back

My big sister at work (not my real sister) came back for a visit today. She left the company toward the end of February, and this was the first time she’s been back. I was really glad to see her, of course; I became very close to her in the last few months she was working with me (I don’t just call anyone my big sister). At the same time, though, seeing her made me realize how much I missed her and how much things at work have changed since she left.

I’ve really been quite unhappy with my work situation lately. Not my job, per se, but more from the working environment. My boss still mostly ignores me, and she sounds annoyed when I do talk to her. I barely say two words to my old work crush, to whom I used to spend hours talking after work. The situation has gone on for so long now that I’m not as bothered by it anymore, but occasionally I’ll still feel awkward, especially when my boss and my work crush are being talkative and cheery to each other right in front of me.

When my big sister was still working at our company, things were good. Everything is different now. Seeing my big sister made me think about the old times. The good times. I wish she still worked with me. I want my big sister back.

Luckily, I still have my best friend at work (formerly my “lunch friend”) to keep me sane throughout the day. I would go crazy if I felt like absolutely no one liked me.

A Final Meeting

My last day in sales was pretty uneventful. There was nothing that really felt out of the ordinary until the end of the day when I moved my personal affects to my new cubicle on the other side of the (small) building. When I was sorting through my desk, I went through some of the old papers that were on my desk and reminisced a little about the time I spent in the sales team.

Before I left the office, I sat down for a talk with my boss/friend. I felt like I should end my time as his employee with a final meeting (we actually haven’t had much need for a meeting in quite a while). It was really nice. I’m glad that I’m able to talk to him and have a conversation, rather than when he used to yell at me and had a feeling of dread every morning.

In the end, we both agreed that accounting is a good move for me. My boss/friend said that I learned just about as much as I can in my current role in the sales team, and I will get a completely different perspective on the company and on business from the accounting department. After all, my time with this company is all about gaining experience and growing personally as well as professionally. Let’s see how accounting helps me grow too.

One More Week In Sales

The countdown is on. The official date of my move to accounting is February 17th (next Tuesday), so I only have one more week of being in sales. Most of my responsibilities have been transferred away now; I mostly just make sure the little things are done and done properly. My boss/friend will be away toward the end of the week, so I’ll be watching the sales team during that time too.

In addition, my boss/friend, my replacement, and I all took a trip down to my biggest client’s office today to tell them that I will no longer be managing their account and that my replacement would be taking over. My primary contact played it off during the meeting like it wasn’t a big deal, but when I got back to the office, he messaged me online (and called me later) to express how upset he was (in a completely macho manly way) that I was leaving and didn’t tell him sooner (as if it would make a difference). I never really thought he liked me all that much (he always got along better with my boss/friend), so it was interesting (and nice) to see his reaction.

I can feel the end coming. I’m both excited about moving to accounting and sentimental about leaving sales. Yes, I never felt entirely comfortable/suited/adequate in sales, but I think I gained a lot from working in it. Hopefully I will gain a lot from my accounting job as well.

All Deserve A Chance

I was in my car driving on the freeway on my way to work. That is what I was doing when I listened to President Barack Obama’s inaugurational oath and speech. I think this is one of those moments that I’ll always remember where I was and what I was doing when it happened, like September 11th (except happier).

On a typical day, I would have already been at work well before 9am and had no access to a TV or radio. But today, I had to run an errand for my company in which I had to drop off a government document to an LA Superior Courthouse, the closest one being 1.5 hours away from my office. I woke up an hour early so I could get to the courthouse when it opened (8:30am).

My timing was perfect. I finished my business and got back to my car just a few minutes before 9am. Since my trip to my office would take 1.5 hours, I got to listen to President Obama’s entire oath and speech as it happened (with perhaps a few seconds delay due to possible radio broadcasting delays).

A few times throughout President Obama’s speech, I felt a tingly feeling wash over me. I knew that this was an incredibly important moment in history. There were many things President Obama said during his speech that spoke to me, but one phrase in particular stood out to me:

We remain a young nation, but in the words of Scripture, the time has come to set aside childish things. The time has come to reaffirm our enduring spirit; to choose our better history; to carry forward that precious gift, that noble idea, passed on from generation to generation: the God-given promise that all are equal, all are free and all deserve a chance to pursue their full measure of happiness.

Right after he said that, I felt like he was talking to all the gay people and all those who voted yes to banning equal rights for gays. Doesn’t everyone deserve a chance to be happy?

Anyway. I can feel the hope and change in the air. I’m really glad I got to hear the speech today. I got home really late from work (like 11:30pm), so I’ll probably try to watch the inauguration on YouTube or my DVR tomorrow to get the visual effect too.

My Own Two Feet

After a few days with my friends in Las Vegas, talking to them and thinking about my future, I decided to accept the accounting position. While the end decision seems like the obvious choice, I didn’t make the choice easily.

Before I revealed my final decision, I had a talk with the operations manager (who will be my supervisor). She told me the initial salary, which, as I expected, is a substantial pay cut. But there is room to grow. Beyond the starting job description, I can take on more roles within the accounting department and maybe eventually manage the whole department so that the operations manager can focus on her myriad of other responsibilities. Even further than that, I could end up as the controller, controlling all the finances for the company. If I end up liking accounting and deciding to pursue it outside of my company, the growth potential is even greater.

When I told my boss my decision, he didn’t seem surprised or upset. I think he already knew what I would choose; he knows me pretty well. From here, he’s going to talk to the operations manager to see when exactly the transition will happen. He’s hoping to find a replacement for me before I make the move, but the operations manager is pretty anxious for someone to help her handle her accounting responsibilities (she really has too many things to do).

All the friends to whom I’ve talked to about this (including a few coworker friends) thought that changing to accounting was a good idea. I guess I made it well known that I wasn’t too happy with my sales job. However, when I told my parents over dinner, they seemed shocked that I would make such a decision. Because I’m “lucky” and “do well at sales,” they thought I should stay in sales because of the potential financial returns. My mom was especially upset by my low starting salary, exclaiming that with my master’s degree, the amount was absurd (I’m paraphrasing, but it’s an equivalent sentiment). I had to explain all my reasoning to them, but I still don’t think I convinced them.

In many ways, this change is important for me. Not only does this mean I get to leave sales behind, but I also feel like I’m standing on my own two feet. The fact that I made this decision based on what I think is best, knowing full well that my parents thought otherwise, is a big step for me. Even though I’ll be making less money for a while, I think I made the right choice.