A Real Risk

There are some things in this world I hope I never have to deal with.

I’ve been following the blog called Debriefing The Boys for a long time (I referenced it almost two years ago). Every post he writes, whether it’s about coming out, dating, life, or even a book he recently read, is beautifully written. I wish I could write like him. Actually, his blog directly inspired me to start my own blog.

Unfortunately, as in life, not everything is happy. His most recent post, “The Worst Kind of News,” is about how he may or may not have been infected with HIV.

Thinking you might have HIV is a terrifying life-changing experience, no matter the outcome. Waiting for the test results must be one of the worst feelings in the world. I can’t imagine what Matt (the author) is going through.

I’ve heard stories and seen Queer As Folk, but I’ve always managed to stay somewhat sheltered from the threat of HIV; it has always been more of an abstract concept than a real risk. I have no idea how I would react to such news. I can barely even comprehend someone I know possibly getting HIV (and I only know Matt through the internet).

As a gay guy, I have a high risk of contracting HIV (or at least I would be if I was out dating or meeting other gay guys). I’m educated enough to know that HIV is “not a death sentence” (anymore) and it’s “not the end of the world,” but it can still change everything. I honestly don’t know what I would do. I hope I never have to find out.

My thoughts are with you, Matt. I hope for the best. Know that you have an entire online community who will support you no matter what.

Thank You Love

I’m currently immensely addicted to the Taiwanese soap opera 花樣少年少女 (also commonly known as the Taiwanese version of Hana Kimi). I actually watched the entire series last week (15 episodes, each over an hour long), and I’ve been listening to the soundtrack every chance I get. The show is so amazing, largely because I like the idea of the person you secretly love protecting you against all odds and secretly loving you back. It’s such a romantic concept, and I’m a hopeless romantic. Also, I love the main actors (they’re popular Taiwanese singers). Just watching this series makes me want to brush up on my Mandarin and visit Taiwan again!

If anyone’s interested, you can download the entire series subtitled in English from here. Awesome!

There’s a great song on the soundtrack that has beautiful lyrics. Actually, this describes multiple songs on the soundtrack, but in this case I’m referring to the song 謝謝愛 (Thank You Love) by Garden Sister (花園精靈). These are the lyrics (from Chinese Music Blog):

雨下好亂　半個夜晚　你不在身邊怎麼　晚安
yu xia hao luan; ban ge ye wan ni bu zai shen bian zen me wan an
The rain is falling heavily into the middle of the night; I cannot sleep as you’re not by my side

天好藍　要和你一起看
tian hao lan yao he ni yi qi kan
I want to watch the clear blue sky with you

起風時由你來温暖
qi feng shi you ni lai wen nuan
You are the one who gives me warmth when a wind blows over

心事簡單　一句說完
xin shi jian dan yi ju shuo wan
feelings from my heart are so simple that a simple sentence says all

要我們永遠不會　分開
yao wo men yong yuan bu hui fen kai
wanting us to never separate

有眼淚　也因為你燦爛
you yan lei; ye yin wei ni can lan
tears are present but they glisten for you

你微笑因為我盛開
ni wei xiao yin wei wo sheng kai
Your smile is because of me

要謝謝愛讓你　在我身邊守護我的未來
yao xie xie ai, rang ni zai wo shen bian shou hu wo de wei lai
I thank love for letting you stay by me and guard my future

有多少美麗奇跡　你手心里全都記载　好期待
you duo shao mei li qi ji ni shou xin li quan dou ji zai, hao qi dai
how many beautiful miracles, in the palm of your hand is where they are kept

要謝謝愛讓我　學會寬容學會體諒　關懷
yao xie xie ai, rang wo xue hui kuan rong, xue hui ti liang guan huai
I thank you for letting me learn generosity, respect and care

像陽光陪着大海　是平靜還是澎湃　都是愛
xiang yang guang pei zhe da hai shi ping jing hai shi peng pai dou shi ai
similar to how the sun will accompany the sea, whether it is calm or rough, it is still love

Finally, here’s a YouTube link to let you hear the song. Enjoy!

Motivation

I tend to shy away from challenge. When things get tough, I give up pretty easily. My mom even told me so (and when your mom says it, it’s probably true). I joked that I would consider going to medical school (like my brother). She said I would never be able to handle it, because I would give up at the first sign of difficulty.

What my mom said is true, to a point. Math was always difficult to grasp, but I studied it because I was interested in it. It was worth it to me to spend so much time and energy understanding it, because it didn’t feel like work. But once I became discouraged and lost confidence in my ability, it felt like work. The payoff wasn’t worth the effort anymore.

My interest and motivation has always been highly influenced by my supervisor. For example, I never liked math until I had one incredible professor in college who brought the subject to life for me. In graduate school, my conflicts with my advisor directly resulted in my deciding not to continue pursuing a Ph.D. Now, my motivation to work has been all but erased by the awkward work environment created from the strained relationship with my boss.

This dependence on my supervisor has been both an advantage and a disadvantage. When relations are good, I’m happy and I work well (often seemingly independently motivated). When relations are bad, I’m discouraged and lose all drive; tasks that used to be interesting and challenging become laborious and cumbersome. As a result, lofty ideas and goals become unrealistic and impractical fantasies.

So here is my solution to my own shortcomings: go into business for myself. I’m too easily swayed by a supervisor, so why not become my own supervisor? In doing that, I would force myself to stay motivated, because there are no other alternatives. Sink or swim, basically.

Given my interests, skills, and background, the most practical business I’ve been considering is private tutoring. Having seen my company run from different perspectives (I’ve done sales and accounting, but I’ve also helped in production, shipping, quality assurance, and customer service), I think I have some idea on how to run my own small business (I might be eating these words later). I should be fine, especially if I get a lot of advice from Amy (I’m strongly considering partnering with you).

I still have a lot of reservations regarding making the leap into becoming self-employed (often considered a euphemism for unemployed). There is substantial risk involved, and I still have confidence issues, but maybe that’s exactly why I should do it.

One Year Gone

A whole year has passed since I started working with my current company (the anniversary was yesterday, technically). I probably should be happier about it, but in many ways, I’m already planning my escape.

When things were good (and I felt important and competent), I deluded myself into thinking I possibly had a future with my company. After only a few months, I was given a lot of responsibilities (beyond my original position). All the managers trusted me and relied on me. I felt almost like a manager myself. I wanted to be a manager. I wanted to learn, and I was motivated to learn everything about everything.

Yet somehow it all fell away about a month ago. I admit I made mistakes (I always take responsibility for my mistakes, I hate passing blame), and the problems have all been resolved, but the work environment has irrevocably changed. My boss still doesn’t seem to trust me; she barely says two words to me unless it’s absolutely necessary. Without her trust, I no longer feel motivated to learn or even work.

As much as the situation sucks, it has given me an opportunity to take a step back and think about what I want out of my job and out of life. This job was always supposed to be a stepping stone to something better. Everything I’ve learned in the past year has given me the boost that I needed. Now it’s just a matter of finding my next step. To take that chance I’ve been considering.

Fortune Cookie

I got a fortune cookie today with my lunch from Panda Express. The fortune said “Take that chance you’ve been considering.”

I don’t usually take advice from a cookie, but maybe this is a sign?

Trifecta

A couple days ago, my big sister from work messaged me asking if I wanted to see Star Trek with her and her boyfriend. She wanted to see it on IMAX, but I pointed her to this blog about how most theatres that advertise IMAX do not actually offer the “real” IMAX experience (the “IMAX” screen that I went to on Sunday was also not the “real” kind, though that didn’t detract from loving the movie).

Even though I have talking/thinking about seeing Star Trek a second time in theatres, I actually hesitated before saying I would go again. Financially speaking, seeing the same movie twice in theatres is a waste of money, since buying the movie on DVD or Blu-ray is about the same price as two movie tickets (I’m channeling my parents). I don’t often turn down a chance to hang out with my big sister from work, though, so I eventually said yes anyway. We decided to see it at an ArcLight theatre, since ArcLight offers a higher quality movie-going experience over the ordinary movie theatre (they even have assigned seating!).

We met up for all-you-can-eat sushi before the movie. My big sister’s boyfriend ordered way too much food, but I’m never one to let good sushi go to waste (especially since they charge for leftovers). The high quality of the sushi reminded me of the all-you-can-eat sushi restaurants I frequented in graduate school, except that this one only offered nigiri (fish on rice) and maki (rolls) sushi and no sashimi (just fish). I ate way too much (more than my big sister’s boyfriend, and he’s a lot bigger than me), but it was amazing.

It was an awesome night. Great food, great friends, great movie. Trifecta!

As a final note, Star Trek was just as good if not better the second time. The emotional parts still got to me, even though I knew they would happen. One of my high school friends might see it again over the weekend; I wonder if three times is too many?

I’m Not That Shallow

A small rant: Why is it that just because I think all the guys in Star Trek are cute/hot means that’s the only reason why I liked the movie and why I want to see it again? I hate that assumption.

I’ve actually had to defend myself on this point before. Back during the boy band craze in the ’90s, I really liked (and still do like) the songs from Backstreet Boys, ‘N Sync, etc. Westlife is still one of my favorite groups. Yes, I admit to liking boy bands. But no matter how hard I try to convince otherwise, people always assume that I only like boy bands because I think the guys are cute. As if it’s unfathomable to actually like the music that boy bands produce.

Yes, I’m gay. Yes, I think the guys in movies are cute, but watching eye candy only goes so far. If a movie has a terrible story or bad acting, I wouldn’t be willing to spend my hard earned cash on watching it multiple times, even if it has a really hot guy in it. I can be shallow when I want to be, but I’m not that shallow.

Anyway, this rant has been brewing in my head for a couple days ever since I had a conversation with a friend about wanting to see Star Trek again. Honestly, I don’t have the intense urge to see a movie in theatres multiple times very often. The last time I had such an urge was back in 2003 for my favorite movie, The Return of the King. I watched it six times in theatres. That’s 21 hours of epic awesomeness.

I don’t think I’m willing to spend the money to see Star Trek quite so times in theatres (though I’m definitely buying it on Blu-ray when it comes out), but the fact that I’m even comparing it to The Return of the King at all shows how much I liked it. I hate when people think I’m so superficial that I would only like a movie because of the actors. I don’t deny that I think Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto, Anton Yelchin, and John Cho are all very good looking. But the triumph and tragedy in the story are what keep playing back in my head, not the faces of cute/hot actors.

Star Trek

I had a great day today! I was originally going to attend a BBQ lunch at my big sister from work and her boyfriend’s apartment today, but it was pushed back to dinner. Since I had already made plans to see Star Trek in the evening, we decided to meet up for lunch anyway.

My big sister from work and her boyfriend have very refined tastes, so they always know the best places to eat. We ate at a small Japanese restaurant in Little Tokyo. Even though the restaurant is small, the line was very long; around 2pm, we still had to wait half an hour before we got a table. The wait was worth it, though. We each had a specialty ramen and pork bowl combination that was both delicious and enormous.

After lunch, we walked around some of the small shops in Little Tokyo. I love shopping. We eventually found a Yogurtland, so we had very yummy yogurt for dessert (that is much cheaper than Pinkberry). I was pretty full from the ramen and pork bowl, but who am I to refuse dessert?

By the time we headed back to my big sister from work and her boyfriend’s apartment, it was already almost time to meet up with my friends to see Star Trek on IMAX. I drove straight from the apartment to the movie theatre and met my friends in line (they had already bought my ticket to save the hassle). I was still full from lunch, so I ended up skipping dinner.

Star Trek was simply amazing. I’m still thinking about it. After I came home, I spent two hours reading about Star Trek on Wikipedia to compare and contrast the canon with the movie. This movie is definitely a fresh start for the franchise, and it might just turn me into a Trekkie.

No One’s Perfect

I finally had it out with my boss yesterday. We didn’t yell at each other, but the problem I had created from my mistake a month ago was brought out in the open. The issue is finally resolved.

However, the damage has already been done. I feel like my boss no longer trusts me. I used to be her go-to guy for little jobs/favors she needed done, but now she doesn’t ask me for anything. I prepare certain documents for her and she used to just sign them, but now she says she has to “look into it” and verify the information.

I’m very much a perfectionist. I always triple check my work (even when it’s done right the first time). I beat myself up over mistakes of any size. I always learn from them so I don’t make the same mistake twice. I do 99.5% of my job with no issues (I’m rounding). I’ve actually fixed many old accounting problems (including ones my boss made).

I’ve collected on invoices that were up to four years old. One invoice from one year ago was almost deemed “uncollectable” because of the run-around we were getting for so long. Three different people before me tried to collect on it; I received the physical check only a month and a half after I moved to accounting.

I’m very good at what I do (I’m not trying to brag, I’m just ranting/venting). But no one’s perfect, right? Everyone makes mistakes; that’s not just what we tell kids to make them feel better. In the grand scheme of things, the mistake I made wasn’t that big of a deal, but my boss seems to have lost all faith in me. I lost a friend in the process.

I understand that I made a mistake. I understand the need for my boss to be a little more cautious with me and my work. But I’ve already learned my lesson (big time). I haven’t made any egregious mistakes since. Can’t we just move on? Can’t we go back to normal?

Reverie Sound Revue

While I was living in Canada, I started listening to a Canadian band called Reverie Sound Revue (I may have met one of the band members). Their music was featured in a couple Canadian TV shows, including Radio Free Roscoe, a teen show that I was shamelessly watching in grad school. I have a copy of their EP from 2003 (though I got a hold of it in 2006), and it’s great!

You may have heard of them, you may not have. Either way, I like them, and they have a new long-awaited album coming out in June! Here is the music video to their single “An Anniversary Away.” Enjoy!

If you think this shameless plug for RSR sounds out of the blue, it’s because I got a Facebook message today about their new album. Yes, I’m part of their fan group on Facebook. Yay!