Anxious Sundays

The last couple Sundays, I’ve been feeling very anxious. I stress myself out thinking about the work week, and then I can’t concentrate on anything else I’m doing. The weekend is far less relaxing when I’m stressed out.

Last weekend, I saw The Dark Knight with some friends. During the whole movie, I was thinking about all the pressure I feel at my job. I kept thinking about what I want in life and whether this sales job will help me get there (wherever there is). As a result, I didn’t enjoy the movie quite as much as everyone else. I heard from multiple friends that The Dark Knight is the best movie ever. I just thought it was okay, and I think it’s because I was distracted while I watched it.

This weekend was more low key. I didn’t go anywhere or see anyone. I mostly stayed at home, trying to relax. But when I woke up on Sunday, I immediately felt anxious knowing that the next day I would have work. Luckily, I found that watching a couple episodes of Ned and Stacey on my computer helped calm me down temporarily.

I keep telling myself that this is part of life. Any path I take won’t be easy. There will always be challenges, always be pressures. Part of becoming an adult is facing these challenges and learning to deal with them.

Anyway. Because I’ve been feeling anxious frequently the last few weeks, I haven’t had coffee very often. I don’t think coffee makes me jittery, but I don’t want to risk feeling even more anxious. It’s been almost a week and a half since I had a drop of coffee. It’s sad, too, since I love the taste of coffee. Maybe I should switch to decaf.

My First Cold Call

The training to become a salesperson has started. My friend/boss is pushing me to take more responsibility for what happens to my accounts. Rather than just implementing the deals and promotions he tells me to do, I have to be proactive in making the deals and promotions because the volume I move in my accounts reflects my performance.

The scariest part of all, of course, is cold calling. Earlier in the week, I tried my first cold call with my friend/boss sitting next to me. I froze. I got to a voicemail message and hung up because I didn’t know what to say. Bad move. My friend/boss had to call back and leave a proper message.

Today, rather than waiting for my friend/boss to sit down and watch me, I decided I would make my first “real” cold call. I figured that calling before overthinking and psyching myself out was the best way to go. I ended up talking to the purchasing department and getting a name and email! I sent out an email a few hours later detailing certain products I think would be good, and I said I would follow up in a few days.

It wasn’t quite as scary as I thought it would be, but I also may have just been lucky. Because I’m still learning and still trying to get over my fears, I only made one cold call today. Pretty soon I’ll be expected to make numerous calls per day. We’ll see then how well I do. But for now, I’m proud of myself for making at least one “successful” cold call.

To Become A Salesperson

In one of our after work meetings, I told my friend/boss that I accept his offer. I’m now in training to become a salesperson. The change becomes official on August 1.

This is going to be one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. There has to be a tremendous change in myself in order to become successful at this job. I have to become confident and decisive, two things which I am unequivocally not.

How does someone change his personality?

A New Offer

Now that I’ve been at my new job for about two months, I’m fairly proficient at my assigned tasks. I’m currently still an assistant, though. I micromanage our accounts and do the grunt work for a lot of what my friend/boss needs. Recently, my friend/boss sat me down and told me that he has high hopes for me. He feels that I can do more than what I am doing. So today, he sat me down again and gave me a new offer.

Instead of being a sales assistant, I would be an actual salesperson. I would not only manage certain accounts we already have, but I would also bring in new accounts. I would have to cold call and build relationships with new companies so that they will sell our products. As an incentive, my salary would be reduced to the same hourly wage as what I had at Target, but I would receive commission based on the sales that my accounts do over the month.

My friend/boss knows that I go to work early and leave late. Since I don’t get paid overtime, he knows that I don’t do it for the money; I do it because I have a good work ethic and I always want to finish what needs to be done. As such, my friend/boss wants to be fair to me. His new incentives offer isn’t necessarily just a way to put pressure on me (though it undoubtedly will), but it’s also a way for me to be rewarded for the work that I do. Theoretically, the extra work that I do will be shown directly in the sales I draw and thus in the commission I receive.

In the end, this offer isn’t about the money. It’s about being a great learning experience and an opportunity to grow personally. My friend/boss obviously sees how self-conscious and nervous I am, which is exactly why he thinks this salesperson job will be great for me to overcome my self image and self-confidence issues.

I’m incredibly terrified to take on such a role. I really don’t know if I have what it takes to be successful at sales. I called my sister, who has been in sales for much of her adult life. She hated the idea of sales at first (she doesn’t necessarily like it now either, but that’s another story), but the more she did it, the easier it became. She sees the value in this opportunity as well. She told me how much her confidence level changed after being in sales.

I told her that I was afraid I would make mistakes and fail, and she said that now is the time for that. Mistakes and failure is how we learn. Because I don’t have very many responsibilities or obligations (like a house, a car, a family to support), now is the best time for me to make mistakes and figure out what I want to do. If I wait until I have a lot of responsibilities, I’ll be stuck in a dead end job wondering how I got there.

The last piece of advice my sister gave me was that even if I decide I’m not ready to be a salesperson right now, I shouldn’t shy away from it forever. She really does think that it helped her open up a lot. I guess we have a lot more in common than I thought.

I haven’t made a final decision yet, but I think I already know what I’ll decide. I don’t think I can do it, but that’s exactly why I should.

Shiny New Condo

My brother and I visited my sister again over the weekend. It’s been rare for all three of us to have the time (especially since my brother is only home for the summer), so we’re trying to hang out as much as possible.

The weekend was pretty low key. We played Rock Band on the Wii, visited cute baby chihuahuas at a pet store, and saw Hancock at the movie theatre. Toward the end of the weekend, we met up with my sister’s boyfriend and visited the new condo he just bought.

His condo, like my sister’s condo, is three stories. I love the layout of that kind of condo, where the living room and kitchen are on the second floor and the master bedroom is on the top floor. I also just like new homes in general. Everything is clean and shiny, and the lack of clutter and furniture make the rooms seem extra spacious.

We went to Home Depot so that my sister’s boyfriend could get ideas on some small improvements he wants to make to his new place. I don’t usually like going to Home Depot. I’m not a handyman, and I don’t know much about tools or home improvement, so I’m often bored when I go there.

This time, though, I had a lot of fun. I looked at all the different sinks, toilets, and refrigerators, thinking about what I would use if I had a new condo. It made me really want to buy a house.

Unfortunately, my current job won’t allow me to afford to buy a house for a very long time (if ever). If I want a new house with shiny new fixtures, I can’t just settle for where I am. Of course, I’ve only been at my new job for two months, but I really should be thinking hard about what lies beyond this job.

High Hopes

Most days after work, my friend/boss will sit me down and see how I’m doing. Sometimes it’s just a simple status report on what I’m working on, but sometimes, like today, it’s more of a developmental meeting.

My friend/boss has high hopes for me. He wants me to have more responsibilities, make more decisions, and move beyond my current capacity. He’s always looking for ways to help me grow and learn so that this job can be a valuable opportunity for me.

It’s great that my friend/boss has my best interests in mind, but I’m constantly afraid that I’m not going to do well at what he asks of me. I sometimes already feel overwhelmed by the work I do now, not because it’s difficult but because of the sheer amount that needs to be done. Having responsibilities which require deeper thinking will require even more time and energy, and I’m not sure if I can handle it.

Honestly, the biggest hindrance to my development is my confidence in myself. I often feel anxious and nervous when I think about the various things my friend/boss wants me to do, but I know that I would regret declining the chance.

Even though I’m incredibly hesitant to move forward (being comfortable where I am is safe), I’m still choosing to take on more responsibilities. I know this will be good for me in the long run.

Different Extremes

My friend/boss and I have similar backgrounds. We’re both Chinese, we both struggled with Christianity in high school, and we’re both gay. And yet, our personalities are completely different.

When faced with the same obstacles (mostly stemming from being gay), we reacted differently. He became outspoken, confident, and self-assured. Instead of letting people make him feel bad or guilty about being gay, he grew strong and stopped caring what other people thought. He went out, met boys, and lived life. His confidence helps him excel in business.

I, on the other hand, became reserved, insecure, and self-conscious. I let the guilt of being gay consume me. I always felt distant and inferior to other people. Normal people. Even now, at work, I feel inferior to both clients and coworkers. I’m afraid to make phone calls to clients. I always read over my emails multiple times to make sure I don’t sound like an idiot, and even then I’m sure I still come across as one.

It’s interesting how different we are. Being gay shaped who we are, but we went to different extremes. His extreme was probably the better one. After all, he is the boss.

Voluntary Termination

I finally quit my job at Target. It was a very difficult decision, but I think it’s for the best.

My main reason for leaving is because it’s not fair to my fellow team members to continue working there. I can’t offer the reliability and dependability that Target expects out of me and that I expect out of myself. I called out last weekend, and I had plans to call out this weekend too. It’s better to just part ways so that they can hire/schedule people who will actually show up for work.

After I handed in my “voluntary termination” request form this morning, I’ve been thinking about my decision all day. I don’t think I was 100% ready to quit, but it had to be done. Even though it’s good for me, I felt sad to know that I’m no longer a Target team member.

Happy Canada Day

It’s already the end of the day, but I wanted to wish all the Canadians out there a Happy Canada Day! It was just another day here, but having lived in Canada for a few years, I like to reflect on Canadian holidays. All day, I thought about my friends in Canada and what they were doing for the holiday. I miss them.

In the back of my mind, I keep thinking about planning a trip up to visit, but it just doesn’t seem plausible at the moment. It’s hard to get away from work, and the meager salary I get doesn’t make a vacation very practical.

We’ll see if I can scrounge up the money somehow. I could try to make time to visit during an American holiday. Thanksgiving comes to mind, especially since I spent the last four (American) Thanksgivings in Canada. I do like keeping tradition.

This Friday is Independence Day (the Fourth of July) here in “the States.” I wish I could take both American and Canadian holidays off!