7-Star Retirement

I have a lot of uncles and aunts. My mom is the oldest of six children, and my dad is eleventh of twelve. One of my uncles on my dad’s side (I basically call him “Uncle #8″ in Chinese) was passing through town yesterday, so my parents and I had dinner with him and his wife (my aunt).

My uncle is rich and recently retired. My aunt and he are going on a four month vacation around the world, traveling to 14 countries. One of the countries they’re going to visit is Dubai, where they plan on staying at the Burj Al Arab, a self proclaimed “7-star” hotel. One night (at the cheapest rate, probably a “crappy” view) costs around $1600. I love hotels, and the Burj Al Arab is the epitome of a luxury hotel. Just to get in the door to look around costs about $55! You can find more information (and pictures!) here.

I can’t even imagine that kind of life (or that kind of hotel!). My uncle put in many years of hard work, but he did very well for himself. I’m in no rush to be of retiring age, but I’m definitely getting antsy to move in the right direction to where I can at least retire comfortably someday. I have to start before I can finish.

Different

Vaguely continuing the topic from yesterday’s post, lately I’ve been thinking about the concepts of self confidence and self identity. My work crush is very confident with himself (that’s a huge understatement). The few gay guys I know (two of whom I met through work) are also comfortable with themselves. They all seem to know who they are.

Meanwhile, I feel like I don’t know who I am or who I’m supposed to be. There are so many days when I feel like I don’t fit in anywhere. For example, I have a master’s degree but I work as a peon at Target. I like my fellow team members, but I’m very different from them. I come from a different world.

In my (almost non-existent) personal life, I act too straight to identify with gay guys and I’m too gay to identify with straight guys. I don’t go clubbing or pick up random boys at bars. I don’t mack on the ladies or pal around with the fellas. I don’t dance, and I don’t watch sports.

If I’m in a one-on-one setting, I’m usually okay. I can find something to talk about and something with which to connect. But if there’s a larger social setting, then I’m at a loss. I stand back and watch the conversations in front of me, unable to offer anything of value. I don’t know enough. I haven’t experienced enough. I haven’t done anything.

Some might argue that being different is good. Different means unique, and I can express myself. But what’s the point in being unique if it keeps me from truly relating with other people?

Self Worth By Association

I’ve been feeling crappy again the last couple days. Part of the reason is that I had a lot of interaction at work with my work crush yesterday. I got paired up with him (actually, I requested to work with him) to zone a particular department. We got to take our breaks and lunch together.

At first, working with my crush was fun. It’s nice to talk to him and see him flash his smile. After a while, though, I remember that his mind is always on girls (he’s a total player). All I can ever hope to have from him is his friendship, and it’s hard to say whether that will last after I stop working at Target. But even if we are able to maintain contact after we stop working together, what kind of friendship will we have?

Ever since I was a kid, my self worth has been linked with the friendships I have. I feel better about myself if hot or popular people (the cool kids) are friends with me. Since I can’t be cool, hot, or popular in my own right, living vicariously through those who are is the next best thing.

If I’m associated with someone “important” (in other words, someone I have a crush on) then I feel important. If I’m not, then I feel worthless. I feel invisible, and the loneliness that has lingered with me for most of my life sets in again.

Yesterday, when it was just my work crush and me talking, I felt good. I was carefree and happy. But the instances when he was talking to one of his straight friends (with the straight guy banter only straight guys understand) or when he was on the phone with one of the many girls who is infatuated with him, I felt like a wallflower. I faded into the background, perhaps where I belong.

Who am I kidding? I’m friends (nominally) with my work crush, but I’ll never be good friends with him. He already has better work friends than me. At the moment, that realization makes me feel like crap. I’m sure these feelings will pass in time (they always do). I know my feelings are completely ridiculous and illogical; I’m not even sure this post makes any sense. One’s worth shouldn’t be based on the perceptions of others. Yet somehow I still feel this way.

The Adolescence of Breakfast

I just ate a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and then brewed my morning coffee.

Interesting juxtaposition, isn’t it?

 

Entrapment

I hate that I love this song.

This isn’t a music video (it doesn’t exist, I think), but it’s an easy way to get the song on here. The song is “See You Again” by Miley Cyrus (also known as Hannah Montana). I don’t really like her, but I liked the song before I knew she sang it. It’s entrapment!

The Store Which Must Not Be Named

Today marks the first day that I walked inside a Wal-Mart since I started working at Target. When I’m at work, I don’t use the rival store’s name; I either say “The W Store” or “The Store Which Must Not Be Named.” These days, I wouldn’t normally go inside Wal-Mart out of my own volition. My parents and I went out for dinner, and they wanted a place to walk off the meal. Wal-Mart was closer than Target, so who am I to argue?

I had been inside that particular Wal-Mart dozens of times before, but I never saw it with red and khaki colored eyes before. I couldn’t help but compare everything! First of all, as my parents and I were walking in the door, the cart attendant was pushing a long line of carts through the same door! It’s a big safety hazard to have so many carts blocking the entrance/exit. At Target, we have a separate entrance for carts. I think Wal-Mart does too, but theirs is narrower and clearly wasn’t being used. When the cart attendant pushed the carts in to connect with the carts already in the store, a cart from the front of the line rolled out and almost hit my mom!

As my parents and I were walking around, I noticed that there were very few signs to help navigate the customers through the store. Not only that, but the aisles were extremely long, so I couldn’t see what merchandise lay ahead at the end of the aisle. I was looking for the coffee (to compare prices), but I couldn’t tell which aisle it was in; the combination of long aisles with no signs made it impossible to figure out. I ended up choosing the wrong aisle, and I had to backtrack to find the coffee section.

Another thing I noticed is that the merchandise was stacked incredibly high. The one display that stood out to me was the tower of paper towels. Even though they’re just paper towels, I wouldn’t want them to topple on top of me. I was scared just looking at them. That sounds like another safety hazard to me.

With long (thin) aisles and everything stacked high, it’s difficult to tell where you are in the store. I could easily get lost in there. It’s a wonder that kids aren’t constantly separated from their parents. Probably the worst thing, though, is that the employees weren’t friendly at all. No one asked if we needed help. There were a couple times when I even felt like I was in their way.

In the end, Wal-Mart felt like a gigantic dollar store, except that I like dollar stores. I don’t see why Wal-Mart is considered competition for Target. My store has such a different (better, more friendly) vibe. I’ve always liked Target more than Wal-Mart, but now I can actually see why.

I made most of these comments to my parents while we were in Wal-Mart. They think Target should pay me for my shameless advertising.

Working Overtime

It’s time for a quick post (meaning I can’t agonize for hours over the quality), since I have to sleep early tonight. I just finished my usual closing shift, but I’m covering for an opening shift in the electronics department tomorrow morning. I really do spend more time at Target than I do at home.

Because I had to clock in for a few hours yesterday for the team leader assessment, coupled with my added electronics shift tomorrow, I’m schedule to run into a couple hours of overtime by the end of the week (meaning I’ll be working more than 40 hours this week). I don’t mind that, but Target does. Target usually doesn’t allow overtime unless it’s specifically been approved by an executive and/or the store team leader (especially since the economy is sucking and the store is cutting hours). Hopefully I won’t get in trouble over racking up some overtime. I might have to leave early tomorrow or Saturday or something.

Meanwhile, the schedule for two weeks from now was posted. I thought I would change to the price change team that week, but I’m still scheduled to work in my current capacity. Maybe the executves don’t all agree that I should change to the morning team. I’m going to have to investigate further.

Team Leader Assessment

Every so often (I’m not sure how often), Target has a market assessment that lets them know how many internal team members are ready to become team leaders (regular ones, not executive). They schedule a day where a few select team members from each store in a district gather at one Target for this assessment. Each team member is interviewed by three different human resources executives (not from our own store, of course, because of bias). Afterwards, the executives decide who is ready to be a team leader immediately and who still needs more development. That way, when a need for team leaders arises (anywhere in the district), the interviewing process for qualified candidates is already done.

I was told of this assessment a few weeks ago, but I didn’t hear anything about it again until a few days ago. Because I was scheduled to interview for an executive position, I was not originally selected to participate in the assessment. When word spread that I didn’t do so hot on my executive interview, my store team leader and human resources executive team leader decided to squeeze me into the schedule. Even though it was short notice, they gave me the opportunity to practice my interviewing skills and maybe (eventually) become a team leader in the process. There are only supposed to be three candidates per store, but my store ended up with four because of me.

Even though today was originally my day off, I went in to work in the morning (9am, not 6am) for the assessment. I got paid for participating. Before I knew it, I had three interviews, almost back to back. Afterwards, I had to take an hour long, multiple choice assessment test on the computer, much like the “written” part of an exam. The test asked a lot of questions about what makes a good manager and what characteristics described me. I had to answer as honestly as possible, even though I know some of what I answered wasn’t the best “manager” answer. Oh well, hopefully they’ll like me anyway.

Overall, all three of my interviews went a lot more smoothly than my executive interview. I was very excited to talk about Target. I still felt nervous, but not nearly as much as before. At least I felt more like myself in the interviews. I’m supposed to hear back within a week about how I did; either my store team leader or my human resources executive team leader will sit me down and discuss my assessment. Even though my particular store isn’t hiring new team leaders right now, I hope I did well.

After the assessment was over and I clocked out for the day, I walked around Target for a few hours, sort of like I usually do on my days off, except that I was wearing red and khaki. So when I was following around my work crush while he did his work, executives and guests could perceive it as me just slacking off from work. Eventually, one of the executives told me to stop distracting the working team members and just finish my shopping and go home. She said not to take it personally, but I was sad.

My Current Plan

My friend didn’t show up for our tutoring session, so I didn’t do any tutoring today. I remember making a plan last week to do it, but I guess she forgot or something. Oh well. At least thinking that I had to tutor today got me out of the house earlier.

Instead of tutoring, I ended up spending a few hours at Borders (our original meeting place) reading one of the textbooks for the actuarial exams. Since the next actuarial exam is many months away, I won’t study my hardest right now; I know how I study. If I study a lot now, I’ll get discouraged and lose momentum too early. My current plan is to read through and preview the material for a couple months first. That way, when it’s time to properly study, I’ll have a foundation already built from which to work more efficiently.

I’m also thinking about learning a computer programming language. Computer skills are becoming increasingly important in most professions, including the actuary field (from what my friend in actuary says). I learned how to use LaTeX back in college, but no one cares about that except mathematicians. I’m hoping to pick up a book on SQL and master it during the next few months before my studying intensifies.

After Borders, I went to Target to let the executives know that I’m accepting the price change position. A couple weeks from now, they’ll start scheduling me 6am shifts!

Outsmarting Myself

I still haven’t decided if I want to join the price change team, but I’m leaning toward taking the job. I’ve been frustrated a lot lately by the fact that I can’t motivate myself to be productive. If I stay at home all day, I end up playing my DS Lite or surfing the net all day without realizing it.

If I’m already out of the house, I’m more likely to sit down at Borders or Starbucks and do what I need to do. I would basically use the price change schedule to outsmart my lack of self-discipline. It’s easier to work with my limitations rather than try to change them, right?

I’m tutoring my friend from work again tomorrow morning. That should be a good excuse to get me out of bed and be productive. Speaking of tutoring, my mom found out that I wasn’t charging my friend anything for my services. She was so upset that she didn’t say anything. She sort of changed the subject and left the room. I don’t think she understands that there’s more to tutoring than just money.