A New Target

Okay, a quick update today. I have to sleep early tonight because I’m going to a different Target early in the morning. The Target where I’m working tomorrow is a new store opening in a couple months, and I’m helping set it up! Only a handful of team members were chosen from my Target, so I feel pretty honored to be going.

The scary thing about this new Target is that it’s 40+ miles away from my Target, and I have to drive on the freeway almost the whole way. So, tomorrow morning will be the first time I ever drive on the freeway by myself. Yes, I’m old for such a milestone, and it probably won’t be a big deal, but it’s still a first for me.

Because of traffic and having to get there bright and early, I have to leave my house at 6am. I’m a night owl, so 6am is excruciatingly early. We’ll see how it goes.

In other news, I found out that there is an executive team leader (ETL) position that is well suited for math majors. The position is ETL of Operations. The current ETL of Operations (who has a bachelor’s in applied math) said she uses math all the time. She briefly explained what she does, most of which I can’t remember now, but it sounded really interesting and something I can totally do.

The ETL of Operations and the daytime LOD (different from the LOD for the closing shift) said I should show them my resume and they could help me out! Maybe my excitement for a math related ETL job will motivate me to actually use their help!

Stuck As A Child

I’m thinking about quitting my job at Target. The whole time I was working last night, I kept thinking about how I’m stuck in a rut. I’m waiting for something to happen, but there isn’t anything to wait for.

As much fun as my job is, I can’t let it hold me back. I’m not focused on my studying, my social life is nonexistent, and I’m not actively searching for “real” jobs. I like the money I’m getting, but it’s only useful for small luxuries, not for paying bills. I’m want to live on my own again, and I need a (much) better paying job for that.

I should leave Target, but I’m also scared of moving forward. Living at home with a menial job is safe but ultimately keeping me away from becoming an adult. I definitely won’t feel like I’m “all grown up” until I can stand on my own two feet.

I felt like an adult when I lived on my own in college and graduate school, but it was all an illusion. That life was temporary, and my parents paid for a lot of my expenses. I couldn’t stay in school forever (unless I teach, haha).

I know I need to make the jump from child to adult soon, but it’s still absolutely terrifying.

Jimmy Hopkins

After yesterday’s brief awkward conversation at Borders, I relaxed by playing (and finally beating) Bully on Playstation 2. Bully is one of my favorite video games. The graphics and storyline are great, and the voice acting is hilarious. The gameplay is amazing too.

The story revolves around a teen boy named Jimmy Hopkins who is dropped off at boarding school when his sleazy mom marries a new man and goes on a very long honeymoon cruise. As the new kid, Jimmy tries to make a name for himself and, in the process, makes peace with all of the stereotypical high school factions (nerds, bullies, preppies, jocks, and greasers).

One small feature of the game is that Jimmy can kiss girls. Sometimes it’s even part of the storyline. Not only is kissing fun (and funny to watch), it also refills Jimmy’s health meter. While completely optional and not part of the story, Jimmy can kiss certain boys too. Most video games don’t include that!

The fact that Jimmy can kiss boys isn’t why I like Bully, but it’s definitely a plus. Nothing picks me up like seeing boys kiss each other. It’s hot. Here’s a video that came from an article at gaygamer.net:

Yay for boys virtually kissing boys!

Boys Make Me Awkward

I went to Borders today to study (I’m not allowed to study at Target on my day off). As I was leaving, I ran into the cute boy who works at Borders. I was walking downstairs as he was walking upstairs. This is how it went:

Cute Boy: (smiles) Hi.
Me: (smiles) Hi.
Cute Boy: (continuing to smile) How are you doing?
Me: Good, how are you?
Cute Boy: (behind me by now) Great, great. Really tired.
Me: Ohh… (trailing off)

After the encounter, I kicked myself (metaphorically) for not asking further questions or inviting him for coffee. This was the longest “conversation” I’ve had with him (besides our first meeting), so I should have tried to be more friendly and less awkward. Though in my defense, I was a little surprised that the dialogue went beyond the initial hi’s.

I’m so frustrated at myself for being incredibly awkward every single time I’m around cute gay boys. I have to find a way to work on that.

Cheesecake

My parents recently bought a whole cheesecake at Costco. Each slice has 500 calories, most of which is fat (the rest is sugar). My parents and I each had a slice for breakfast. I love cheesecake, but I felt pretty guilty after eating it.

Besides the guilt, my parents really shouldn’t be eating that much cheesecake. I have no idea why my parents bought it (I swear I had nothing to do with it). If I was there when they bought it, I would have tried to dissuade them. My parents are usually pretty good about keeping things healthy, but their indulgences should still be more controlled.

My parents aren’t that young anymore. They should be more careful about what they’re eating, and I should be paying more attention. Next time, I’m going to suggest that we split one slice of cheesecake instead of eating a whole slice each.

Career Advice From Mom

My brother called me tonight before work. He’s frustrated by the stresses of medical school, so much so that he’s considering quitting. He doesn’t feel like he’s absorbing anything from his long hours of studying. During his breaks, he reads online about people who quit medical school. He keeps thinking about the long, difficult path ahead of him, which only makes his studying more stressful and unproductive.

There isn’t a whole lot I can do to help him. All I can do is support him and try to lift his spirits. I told him that he can’t focus on how difficult the medical path will be. If he dwells on his doubts, they will affect his studying, and his choice of staying or dropping out will already be made.

That advice is actually from my mom. The actuary path is filled with constant studying for exams, and I don’t know if that’s really the path I want to take. I had doubts when I was studying for the first actuarial exam. My mom told me that if I have doubts while I’m studying, I won’t do my best on the exam. I will have already given up.

My mom also told (my brother and) me that every career path has its own challenges and difficulties. No path is easy. I’m trying to keep that in mind while I’m thinking about what I should do for the rest of my life.

Wasted Talent

I’ve been working a lot of extra shifts at Target lately. I don’t really mind. In fact, I like when I work more. My parents, however, don’t like that I work at Target. They think that work takes time away from studying (though honestly, I study less on my days off).

My dad never wanted me to work at Target. When I said I wanted a job during the holidays, he wanted me to work at a bank as a teller or some other financially related job applicable to being an actuary.

My mom knows that this job is temporary and good for “pocket money,” but she doesn’t like the fact that it’s physical labor and doesn’t use my brain. Besides that, she said it’s a disgrace that I have a master’s degree and make the low wage I’m getting.

My parents also don’t like the idea of me being an executive team leader (ETL) at Target. There are two reasons. First, the growth potential (professionally and financially) from the actuary path far exceeds that of the ETL path. Because there are nine actuarial exams, and a promotion from each one, the growth is built into the field. Meanwhile, the highest position at Target is (probably) the store team leader, which isn’t that different from being an ordinary executive.

The other reason is that being an ETL doesn’t require a master’s degree in math. Apparently, getting a master’s degree means I’m supposed to use my specialty in my future career. Being an ETL would be “wasting my talents.”

I’m not sure what to do or think. Am I going to decline the ETL path because my parents don’t like it? Am I only choosing the actuary path because my parents prefer it? I know that my parents can’t rule my life. I have to do what ultimately makes me happy, but I can’t ignore what my parents think either.

My Own Life

It’s been raining the last few days. Rain always reminds me of where I went to graduate school, since it practically rained constantly there. I miss graduate school. I don’t miss the studying that much, but I miss the people and the life I had. I saw my friends every day and lived on my own.

I finished my degree and moved home nearly six months ago. Things move so slowly now. I thought after I passed the exam (and after the holidays), I would get a job quickly and get my life moving again. Instead, time is flying by and I’m not moving forward.

Something has to change. I can’t stay isolated from friends and live at home for too much longer. I want my own life back.

Executive Team Leaders

More and more team members at work are finding out that I have a master’s degree in math. My work friend (who isn’t my only work friend anymore) found out today, and most of the executive team leaders (ETLs) know now too.

The ETLs are the people in charge, sort of like the team leaders of the team leaders. The LODs are ETLs, but the converse isn’t necessarily true (yay math). To qualify to be an ETL, you have to have a bachelor’s degree and some leadership experience. Some of my team members (including my team leader and my LOD) think I should apply to be an ETL (since I’m certainly qualified).

As I’ve mentioned numerous times before, I like Target a lot. My LOD thinks I’m crazy for liking Target so much. Most of my team members stay away from Target on their days off, but I’m there all the time. Having a job that offers good money, great benefits, and great managerial experience at a place I love is a fantastic opportunity. I have a pretty good chance, too, since all the ETLs know me. They know I do good work, am reliable, and have an unnatural enthusiasm for Target.

I’m unsure, however, of whether I should apply. The ETL position certainly won’t use my math background, and I don’t know the potential for professional growth. Being an ETL would be totally different from being an actuary or a teacher. It’s a completely new path to consider.

A New Place To Study

I studied today! I went to Target early and sat in the break room to study. There aren’t too many people who work the day shift nowadays, so the break room was pretty quiet.

Studying at Target isn’t that different from studying at Starbucks, but I don’t have to worry about being late to work (not like I’ve ever been late anyway). I might try this routine every day, although it might be weird on days when I’m not working.

I felt productive while I was studying, but I’m far behind schedule. I’m just beginning. There is a lot more material I need to cover. I seriously have no idea how I was so motivated to study for the first exam.

Speaking of the first exam, I found out today that I did very well on it, much better than I expected. Employers don’t care how well I did on the exam (they just care that I passed), but it means that my method of studying worked. Hopefully I’ll  do well on the next exam too.