A Break To Remember

Today at work, my work friend passed me on his way to his break and asked if I wanted to grab a coffee with him. It was about time for my break too, so I said yes. We walked through the mall to Cinnabon, where he bought me a coffee using the gift card I gave him.

It was really nice to spend my whole break with only him. Even though our break only lasted fifteen minutes (well, we may have stretched it to twenty), I rarely get any time alone with him to just talk and hang out.

During our break, my work friend talked about the first day that we met and about how good the coffee that I bought him a few weeks ago was. I was surprised that he kept both events in mind. I thought I was the only one crazy enough to remember such seemingly insignificant things.

By the way, this is my 100th post and my last post of 2007! Happy New Year!

I Know Him By Heart

I’ve had this song stuck in my head the last few days at work. I haven’t heard it in at least a few years, but I find myself humming it. The song is “I Know Him By Heart” by Vonda Shepard. It was featured on Ally McBeal many years ago. Whenever I hum/sing/hear it, I think about the man of my dreams who I will one day meet.

When Ally McBeal first aired, I was in high school and not out to myself yet. I used to love that show. I would watch Ally fall for so many romantic good-looking guys, and I would think (guiltily, of course) that I would meet a romantic guy too someday. Ten years later, I’m still waiting and searching, but the song helps to keep my hope alive.

Here are the lyrics:

There’s a secret path I follow
To a place no one can find
Where I meet my perfect someone
I’ve kept hidden in my mind
Where my heart makes my decisions
‘Till my dream becomes a vision
And the love I feel
Makes him real someday

‘Cause I know he’s out there somewhere
Just beyond my reach
Though I’ve never really touched him
Or ever heard him speak
Though we’ve never been together
We’ve never been apart
No we’ve never met
Haven’t found him yet
But I know him by heart

Am I living in an illusion?
Wanting something I can’t see
If I compromise, I’d be living lies
Pretending love’s not meant to be
‘Cause I know my heart’s worth saving
And I know that he’ll be waiting
So I’ll hold on and I’ll stay strong ’till then

‘Cause I know he’s out there somewhere
Just beyond my reach
Though I’ve never really touched him
Or ever heard him speak
Though we’ve never been together
We’ve never been apart

No we’ve never met
Haven’t found him yet
But I know him by heart
No we’ve never met
Haven’t found him yet
But I know him by heart

Cashier Training

I finally got trained on how to use the cash register! Part of my job on the sales floor is to back up the cashiers when they need help. One of Target’s goals is to have no checkout lines longer than two people (one being checked out and one waiting), so the cashiers need backup all the time. I was never able to offer my assistance for the last three weeks, but now I finally can!

My cashier training consisted of reading a booklet and practicing using the cash register with a fake ID card, credit card, gift card, and checks. The training wasn’t difficult (it was actually sort of fun), though I haven’t practiced with actual guests yet. I’ll be authorized to back up the cashiers starting on my next shift.

It’s a little strange that the leader-on-duty (LOD) would want me trained to back up cashiers if Target is going to “let me go” in a week. Who knows, maybe I’m not actually going to be “let go” that soon. Either way, now I can say I have experience as a cashier on my resume!

My Destiny

Usually around the middle of the week, the schedule for the next week is released for all of the team members to see when we need to work. This week, the schedule for two weeks from now was also released. Knowing that a few of my fellow team members were already called into the Human Resources office and were “let go,” I was anxious to see what my schedule was going to be. Surprisingly, I wasn’t assigned any hours.

I thought Target would want me to stay, since I show up for all of my shifts on time and I’m doing really well at what I do (even doing extra when necessary). I asked my team leader what the criteria for becoming permanent are, and he said there are three things, in order of importance: how often you’re on time to work, how well you do at your job, and how long you’ve been working at Target. I easily have the first two criteria covered, but I’ve only been working at Target for a few weeks. My work friend is staying; he’s been late a couple of times, but he’s amazing at his job and he’s been with Target since October.

My team leader said that I’m not “let go” until the Human Resources office calls me in, so maybe the schedule for two weeks from now isn’t set in stone yet (but I doubt that’s the case). He said that there were a lot of people he wanted to keep, but there just aren’t enough hours to go around after the holiday season is over.

The leaders-on-duty (LODs) are the ones who make the decisions on who stays and who leaves, so my team leader didn’t get final say. If I am actually “let go,” my team leader said that I can reapply when they hire again in March. He would make sure to be the one to interview me so that I would have a much higher chance of being rehired.

I’ve been having a hard time deciding how long I wanted to stay at Target. I love my job (even though it’s exhausting), and my fellow team members are great. I would have felt bad if they asked me to stay and I left after a month. I didn’t want to let them down.

In the end, the decision was made for me. I felt rejected at first, but I think everything will turn out for the best. After I finish my time with Target, I can finally return to studying for the next actuarial exam. It’s clear that my destiny does not lie with Target. Despite that, I think working at Target was one of the best experiences I’ve ever had.

Code Green

When I got to work today, my work friend was in the break room talking to our team leader about something. My work friend had big sunglasses on even though we were inside. When he saw me, he said hi and that he bought a coffee today using the gift card I gave him. Yay.

My work friend left a minute later; he wasn’t working today, so I was wondering why he was even at Target to begin with. I asked our team leader why my work friend had sunglasses on. He said that my work friend cut his eye area by hitting his head on a shelf last night (about an hour after I had gone home) while he was zoning in the toy department, and he had to get stitches.

I don’t know if the cut has affected his eyesight or if the cut was only near the eye. All I know is that a Code Green was called, which means a team member or a guest was physically injured badly enough to need assistance.

I hope my work friend comes in for work tomorrow so I can ask him how he is doing. During the brief time I saw him today, he seemed pretty upbeat, so that’s a good sign. I can’t believe I missed such a big event involving my work friend. I know there’s nothing I could have done, but I wish I could have been there for him.

Two Weeks Worth

I’ve been debating for a while about getting my work friend a Christmas gift. His birthday is only a few days after Christmas anyway, so I have even more of an excuse to get him something. I kept thinking that giving a gift was probably too forward of me, considering that I’ve only known him for a few weeks, but I decided to go for it anyway.

I bought him a $10 gift card at Cinnabon. He goes to Cinnabon every day to get cheap coffee using his team member discount, so I figured that a gift card there would be thoughtful and useful. I didn’t want to get too big of a gift card, but $10 will still buy two weeks worth of coffee.

I bought the gift card during my lunch break today, but I had to wait a few hours to give it to him so that he was alone (not because I “wanted to be alone with him,” but because I didn’t want other team members to get jealous or something). Not knowing what he would think, I felt pretty nervous before giving it to him. When I finally got the chance, I tried to play it off like it was nothing, quickly saying “Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday” and handing him the card.

He was really surprised (in a good way). He thanked me and seemed genuinely appreciative. After I clocked out for the night and went to say bye to him, he thanked me again and said he would buy me a coffee sometime.

Christmas Lounging

Usually when I stay at home all day, I get bored and antsy. But on Christmas, staying at home doing nothing is almost tradition.

Today is my only day off this week (my forty hour work week is stretched over six days with no overtime). Spending the day lounging and playing video games with my brother was a nice way to rest up after being exhausted for the last couple weeks.

The festivities yesterday, like every Christmas Eve, were extra tiring too. I didn’t end up going to bed until 4am, so the relaxing today was even more welcomed.

I hope everyone’s Christmas was as relaxing as mine. Merry Christmas!

The Christmas Feeling

The whole time I was at work today, it didn’t feel like Christmas. It felt like just another day at work. Only after I came home after my shift and my relatives came over for the party did Christmas really feel like it was here.

Last year, I gave up my Christmas at home for the first time ever in order to study for an exam. I stayed in Canada during the whole holiday season. As a result, the feeling of Christmas was missing. Sitting alone in my apartment wasn’t very festive.

This year, I was afraid that I had once again inadvertently sacrificed my Christmas by working at Target. I’m certainly more tired today than usual, and most of the Christmas season felt different (I didn’t listen to nearly enough Christmas songs). But at least, in the end, it still feels like Christmas.

Waning Attraction

I’m starting to get over the attraction to my work friend, I think. I noticed today that I’m always the one who tries to find him in the store so I can say hi to him. He never actively tries to find me. That realization means that the attraction is waning.

There are still residual feelings, though. I felt a little pain in my heart in realizing that I don’t mean anything to my work friend. Fortunately, the pain wasn’t blind. I’m trying to distance myself and trying not to care too much. The problem is that trying not to care means I care too much already.

My work friend and I come from different worlds. In normal circumstances (like if I wasn’t working at Target), there’s no reason why he and I would be friends. When I leave Target, it would probably be a stretch for us to stay friends. Logically, I shouldn’t invest so much into the friendship if I already know it will be short-lived.

The Price

Ever since I passed the first actuarial exam, I feel like I haven’t moved forward with any of my plans. I got a job at Target right away, and now I’m busy and tired all the time. Though I’m having fun at Target, other aspects of my life have come to a halt. I barely even have time to check my email and update this blog.

I already have all the study materials I need for the next actuarial exam. I had hoped to study on my time off from working at Target, but I’m so exhausted when I finish my shifts that I don’t want to do anything but relax. If my tiredness continues throughout the next few months, my chances of passing (or even taking) the next exam will be slim.

Romance has also been put on hold. I’m pretty sure my online dating guy isn’t interested in me, but we still email back and forth. Unfortunately, I’ve been so busy that I haven’t emailed him back in almost a week (which is a long time for us). Emailing with my online dating guy is basically my only interaction with any gay boys right now. I don’t have enough time or energy to find a boy. I feel like I’m not a very good gay.

An added problem at the moment is that my family’s annual Christmas party is only a few days away (my family celebrates on Christmas Eve). A lot of my relatives are expected to come, so I’m supposed to help clean the house and make it look presentable. Since my brother can’t lift heavy objects, I have to do the physical work, even after working all day.

As I’ve mentioned multiple times, I love working at Target. I always feel like I’m doing good work, and I love helping the guests find what they’re looking for. Sometimes life outside Target is so stressful that I’d prefer to be working over having a day off. But I can’t escape life forever. The price is too high.