A couple weeks ago, I wrote a post where I mentioned how I still find it difficult to say the phrase “I’m gay.” I recently read a related post called “The Most Terrifying Question” at a blog called Debriefing The Boys. NOTE: The blog is a mature site intended for adults only, and some material is NSFW (not safe for work). In case you are under 18, or choose not to see the rest of that blog, I have cut-and-pasted the post here (with permission from the blog’s author):
When I was in the closet, I was absolutely terrified that somebody would ask me whether I was gay.
First, it would have meant they suspected, which would have meant my secret wasn’t safe. As I’ve told you, I used to think about whether I would kill to keep the secret. So it was a big deal to me.
Second, it would force me to make the decision whether to lie. The longer we’re in the closet, the easier it becomes to lie, I guess. For me, it wasn’t very long between when I decided the answer was yes and when I decided I was willing to tell the truth. So I never became comfortable with lying.
But this weekend I heard a great coming out story. My friend invited his mom to dinner, but he couldn’t get the words out. He just spluttered and sweated; they talked about everything but what he wanted to talk about. And finally, as the check was coming, his mom said “Honey, I know why you invited me here. It’s ok, and I love you.” And that was it! He never even had to say it.
So now that I think about it, it might have been nice to have been asked. Perhaps not by some drunk asshole in a bar. Or not even by a good friend, if the question was offhanded. But if a parent or a friend I really loved and trusted had sat me down and seriously asked the question in a safe and supportive way, it might have made it easier to say it. After all, it’s easier to say “Yes” than to say “I’m gay.”
Depending what stage of my life I was in when the question was asked, I might still have lied. But if the situation had been loving and supportive, I might have at least said “Well, no, I don’t think I’m gay, but….” and then told my story. If somebody had asked, and encouraged me to talk about it, I might have found out I was gay a lot earlier.
Anyway, what do you think? Were you ever asked?
I agree with the author – that really is the most terrifying question. In 7th grade, one of my friends asked me. I flat out said no, even though I already knew the real answer. I don’t think anyone since then has directly asked me.
Even though most of my friends now know that I’m gay, saying “I’m gay” is still a phrase I rarely ever say out loud. Maybe a close friend asking would have helped me to accept my own answer.
