I had lunch with one of my cousins today. She’s in college now, so I visited her on her college campus. Coincidentally, I have a friend who goes to graduate school at the same school (it’s the friend who is the center of my college social circle). When I met up with my friend after lunch, I told her that I haven’t come out to my cousin. She was surprised and feels that I should tell my cousin.
I don’t like taking risks. I like to plan everything and avoid conflict. I like stability. Coming out to people is always risky, and it’s even more risky when the people is family.
I first came out on March 14, 2001 (I’m good at remembering dates). Interestingly, the first person I came out to is the same friend I keep talking about (we’re pretty close). I told her in person. I then came out (mostly in person) to my college friends. With the exception of two (hardcore Christians), they all accepted me. I came out to my brother through instant messaging on June 1, 2001, and to my parents on the phone on March 6, 2002. You can tell that I don’t like confrontations since I was miles away from my family when I told them. While my brother is supportive, we haven’t talked about it much. My parents didn’t believe me, saying I’m too young to know (I was 19 at the time) and that I haven’t met the right girl. We haven’t mentioned it since.
I know for a fact that my aunt (the mom of the cousin with whom I had lunch) is homophobic. My younger male cousins are also homophobic, or at least they say “you’re gay” and “that’s so gay” a lot. I’m not sure what my college-aged cousin thinks, but I do know that information spreads quickly among my cousins. Thus, I have yet to come out to any of them.
Sometimes I feel compelled to tell them, and the whole scenario plays out in my head. But the more I think it over, the more I think about the possible consequences and I chicken out. It’s because of this that I haven’t even told my sister or many of my church friends from high school (back when I was a Christian, a whole other post in itself).
Even when I do come out to friends, I usually drop hints and let them figure it out. I don’t say the phrase “I’m gay” very often. I use different words because it’s still hard for me to say it, six and a half years later.
