Halloween Stress

My studying isn’t going very well. I can’t seem to do a lot of the practice exam questions. Some are more complicated than I think, but others are easier than I think. I’m really worried that I won’t be ready for the exam, which makes me overthink the questions even more.

The gym was good though. I went back to my regular routine. Today was the first time I went back into the steam room since my wisdom teeth extraction (I can’t believe I’m still talking about that). I didn’t want to attempt the steam room on Monday since I was too tired, so it was nice to go back today. It was nice to sweat out some of the stress from studying.

In other news, my online dating guy and I had tentatively set our first meeting/date to be Friday, but he had to reschedule. We’re still going to meet, but I don’t know when yet. I’ve been trying not to get my hopes up over this date/meeting. All weekend I was thinking about the meeting/date and worrying about whether to tell my parents about it or not. But eventually, I calmed down and decided to keep things quiet until I know for sure if there’s more to this online dating guy than just a first date/meeting. There’s no reason to cause a ruckus over a first date, especially with someone I’ve never met.

My parents are pretty funny. They make a point not to do anything for Halloween. They make sure not to turn on the porch light and try not to have any lights visible from the front of the house so the trick or treaters won’t know anyone is home. I think my dad finds trick or treaters annoying. I don’t do anything for Halloween either, but I still find it amusing that my parents would go out of their way not to celebrate Halloween.

Being Practical

I tutored my cousin today. It was pretty fun to explain some of the math that I’ve been learning these last couple months. Explaining math always makes me wonder if becoming an actuary is really for me, or if my heart is really in teaching.

I like teaching a lot. Getting to know my students and seeing them progress is very rewarding. When I taught a couple calculus classes in graduate school, I often spent more time preparing for teaching my class than I spent working on my own research. I’m pretty good at teaching too; my students gave me flattering evaluations.

After I finished my masters, I starting thinking about what’s most practical rather than what’s perhaps most fulfilling. Becoming an actuary is the most financially rewarding way to utilize my advanced math training (besides cheating at gambling or something). While teaching is great, I would make half the money that an actuary makes, probably less. If I want a chance at being financially secure and be able to provide for my eventual child (and maybe my parents in their old age), shouldn’t I choose a profession that will help me achieve those goals?

The actuary field is interesting too. Learning about how to use the math behind insurance and risk management has been really fun. Unfortunately, the road to becoming an actuary is very difficult and insanely competitive. This first exam for which I’m preparing is already pretty tough, but the rest of the exams are just as difficult, if not more so. I don’t know if I have what it takes to make it.

As I get older, I’m starting to think more like an adult. That is, I’m starting to consider long-term goals and thinking about what I need over what I want. It’s weird, realizing I’m not a kid anymore. Are being practical and being happy mutually exclusive?

No matter what, I have to just give it my all and study for my upcoming actuarial exam. After the exam, I can decide whether becoming an actuary is right for me. If I think too much about it now, I will screw up my chances of passing the exam and the decision will be made for me.

Oh, and speaking about my cousin, I tried not to say too much when she mentioned that Dumbledore is gay. It seemed like she didn’t think it made a big difference (which it really doesn’t). I wonder if she would think the same way if she knew I’m gay. Even if she would, I still won’t tell her for a while anyway, knowing how gossip spreads in my family.

Returning To Normal

I went back to the gym for the first time since my wisdom teeth were pulled. It’s only been a little over a week, but I became tired more quickly than usual. I’ll have to ease myself back into exercising. One good thing, though, is that I lost weight! I’ve been eating much less this last week, so I ended up losing four pounds! The challenge now is revving up my exercise, and maybe also my food intake, while still maintaining the lower weight.

I still can’t eat quite normally yet, but I’m getting there. My teeth are still a bit sensitive, even though my wounds are healed and there’s no more blood. I’m still eating somewhat softer foods and taking smaller bites, but I’m off the ice cream and pudding diet. Food still gets trapped in the gaping holes, too, so I have to rinse out my mouth a few times after I eat anything. I’ll probably have to continue doing that for a few more weeks.

Besides going back to the gym, I also went back to Starbucks to study for my exam. It’s pretty hard getting back into studying at the same level, much like exercising. I still remember all the formulas I need, but the practice exam questions seemed more difficult than usual. Hopefully things will return to normal (or better than normal) soon.

Ten Years Later

This is the story of a friend of mine.

I met this friend in 1st grade. We were classmates, and we shared many of the same friends. Even though I had transferred schools in 4th grade, we remained friends. The two of us, along with a mutual friend, used to go trick or treating together for a number of years. We went to the same junior high, but by that time I was already developing a new set of friends. We began drifting apart.

October 28, 1997. We were 15 years old, and the two of us had gone to different high schools. I hadn’t seen my friend in probably two years. In my biology class, the kid next to me told the class about what he heard happened to my friend. Apparently it was all over the newspapers.

My friend’s father shot his mother in front of him. My friend tried to run, but his father shot him as well. My friend’s father then went up to his room, burned some money (I think it’s a Chinese thing), and killed himself.

I could hardly believe the story. It’s always a little surreal when a friend dies, especially in such a way. It didn’t really start to sink in until I went home and saw a newspaper with his picture next to the story. I guess the whole incident actually happened on October 27th, but I usually think about it on the 28th because that’s the day that I found out.

Ten years have passed. To this day, I have never cried over the loss of my friend. I’m not sure why. But the last time I ever went trick or treating was with him, and that’s why I still don’t do anything for Halloween. Maybe that’s how I cope with his loss. It’s interesting that he died so close to Halloween; this time of the year always reminds me of him.

Bad Timing

The way things are going, my first date/meeting with my online dating guy is less than a week away. The closer I get to meeting my online dating guy, the more I think about how I’m going to explain the situation to my parents. Should I hide the fact that I’m going to go on a date with a boy, or should I tell them the truth?

The other problem is that I only have a little more than a month (including a ten day trip/vacation) until my actuarial exam, so it’s hard to justify any kind of distraction from studying. I was trying to study today, but I couldn’t concentrate. My excitement for my date is coupled with the stress of coming out, and that combination is very distracting.

My dad tells me (often) how worried he is about my exam. I took most of this last week off to recover from my wisdom teeth extraction, so I really should be spending every extra minute studying. I’m already freaking out about the exam; my dad just adds to the pressure.

This time before my exam is crucial. I shouldn’t be thinking about boys (one particular boy). And yet, I can’t help what I feel.

Sooner Or Later

My online dating guy wants to meet. I’ve never had a date while I was living at home before (the stranger from the mall excluded), so explaining a boy at my front door who my parents have never heard of has never been an issue. My parents not believing that I’m gay has been fairly easy on all of us because of my lack of dating and relationships. As long as I’m single with no prospects, I can still be “straight.” But what if my online dating guy ends up becoming more serious? The charade can’t last forever.

My coming out to them (properly) seems pretty inevitable. I want to have a decent job and be living at my own place when I come out to them, but I may not get what I want. If things go well with this online dating guy (hypothetically of course), I might have to come out much sooner than I was expecting. Scary on so many levels.

My parents only want me to be happy, right? I wonder if that’s enough to overcome family pride.

You’d think my parents would know by now. I used to help my grandmother pick out clothes when I was two years old, and my mom still asks me for fashion advice. Now that I’m also interested in cosmetology, my mom also asks me for skincare advice. That’s pretty gay.

Gossip

My mom got a call tonight from my aunt (the mom of my cousin who’s in college), I don’t know why. As usual, the conversation ended up with what juicy gossip my aunt heard from my cousin. And there’s nothing juicier than my cousin telling my aunt that I have a girlfriend, that she’s met her, and that I have pictures of her on my Facebook page.

My cousin did meet my friend in question briefly (she’s the one who goes to the same school as my cousin). While my friend is quite attractive, she’s still a girl and therefore not my girlfriend.

The pictures on my Facebook page are actually of a completely different girl with a completely unrelated story. I put up pictures of that girl as a favor to her so she could download them and show them to her mom. Strangely, I don’t have any pictures on Facebook of the girl my cousin met.

Fortunately, my mom stood up for me and denied all allegations that I have a girlfriend. She kept saying “she’s a girl, she’s his friend, but she’s not his girlfriend.” Haha, how many times I’ve heard that.

Sometimes my parents seem like they want me to date my friend (because she tends to give me hugs when she sees me and gets really close to me when we take pictures together, though I think she does that with all of our friends). But other times (like tonight) it seems like maybe they understand that I don’t want a girlfriend. Ever.

All I know is, hell is going to break loose if/when I do come out to my family. It seems like confiding in my cousin doesn’t seem like a good move.

Online Monogamy

I recently starting using a popular online dating site. There’s a match with whom I’ve been emailing back and forth the last few days. He seems like a nice guy, and he seems to like me (he puts smiley faces in his emails).

I really don’t understand this dating thing very well. Right now, we still only talk about basic things like what we do and what we like. We haven’t started talking about more “important” topics, not that I even know what those topics should be or when to bring them up. I don’t want to be too forward, but I also don’t want the guy to be bored with me too soon either. I’m always afraid I could say something that will be a deal breaker right away, like maybe the fact that my  parents haven’t really reconciled the fact that I’m gay. I’m pretty sure that’ll be a big issue someday.

There’s another question (or maybe many related questions) I have about online dating. What happens if you end up with more than one match? Do you have email correspondence with all of them, or just one? When is it casual dating and when is it more serious? Where does monogamy come in?

Fortunately, I don’t have to deal with that problem yet. There was a different guy with whom I was emailing a month ago, but he never returned my second email, so that went nowhere. Who knows. Maybe the universe only allows me one online guy at a time. Considering my past experience, that’s already more than generous. I’d never have to worry about monogamy then.

My First Kiss

I was watching The Tyra Banks Show today (there was nothing on TV) and Lance Bass was on. He mentioned that his first kiss with a boy was in his twenties, and that made me think about my first kiss.

It was July 2001, a couple months before I turned 19. I was walking around the local mall and noticed a guy working at a booth right outside the Banana Republic who was staring at me as I walked by. I was pretty shy, so I walked into the Banana Republic to hide. I looked out from the store and saw he was still looking at me. It sounds creepy, but it wasn’t. At some point, I walked up to him and said hi. We chatted for a little while, and he said that he thought I was cute and that I had nice legs (I had shorts on). Haha, I have nice legs. That still gets me.

I had taken the bus to the mall, and my dad was going to pick me up after work. When my dad called me, I said that I had bumped into a friend and that I was going to get a ride home. I got a ride home, and the guy asked me if I wanted to hang out the next evening. I said yes.

The next evening, he picked me up and we talked while he drove. We stopped on a small hill in a residential area and I got my first kiss (and a few more than that). We didn’t do much more than kiss, though. I wasn’t ready for more. I had never done anything romantic before. Not to mention that I only knew him for two days. After a little while, we went to Arby’s for dinner, and then he drove me home.

I never went out with him again. I did see him at the mall occasionally when I came home from college on breaks. We would talk for a little while, but we ended up deciding it was probably good that nothing more happened. After a few years, I stopped seeing him at the mall; I guess he got a different job and moved on.

Firestorm

Now is not a good time to be living in Southern California. There used to be just earthquakes, and now there are fires all over the place. More than 100,000 acres have burned and over 250,000 people have been in evacuated in San Diego alone. Luckily, I’m not in any danger, but I have friends and family who could possibly be evacuated from their homes.

I used to grow up with the Santa Ana winds, but I never thought that they could cause such destruction. I heard yesterday that the wind reached hurricane force on occasion. Usually, the Santa Ana winds only last about a day, but this year it’s lasting a few days, making the firefighting that much more difficult. It’s hard not to link the increased severity of these winds (and therefore the massive wildfires going on) with global warming. Mother Nature is lashing out at us for all the harm we’ve done to her.

It’s pretty surreal to see pictures of the flames engulfing Southern California. Watching the news, it’s more like I’m looking at a volcano than California. Sometimes I feel untouchable from all the tragedies and disasters of the world, that they could never happen to me or the people I care about. In reality, though, no one is safe. But what can we do?